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Couldn't Even Think About It Anymore
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Mo
Citation:   Mo. "Couldn't Even Think About It Anymore: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp32388)". Erowid.org. Jun 19, 2007. erowid.org/exp/32388

  repeated oral MDMA (pill / tablet)


I took E for the first time in September of 1999. My older sister was really into the rave scene at the time and was doing it. She got me my first pill. My boyfriend and I decided to split the one pill at a party because, not knowing what to expect, we didnít want to get too messed up our first time and no one else at the party even knew we were doing it. We took the half pill and waited about a half hour, knowing it would take a while until the effects came on.

When I first started to feel the pill, I felt slightly nauseous for about 10 minutes. My boyfriend and I sat up in our friendís bedroom while the party raged on downstairs. We talked for about 3 hours straight and really connected. I felt great, so alive, so conscious of myself. I remember I kept rubbing one of the buttons on his shirt, it just felt good. We came down after about 3 hours of talking. My body felt very light, my legs felt like they weighed nothing. I had no after-effects the next day and it had been a very pleasant experience. Prior to my taking E, I had experimented with marijuana, hash, LSD and mushrooms. E was very different from anything I had ever done.

The second time I did E was 2 months later. My boyfriend and I had rented a luxury chalet to get away for the weekend. My sister bought me 2 E pills but told me they were very strong and that we should maybe only do ľ of a pill, wait a few hours and do more. Over the next 2 nights we did all the pills and drank alcohol. By the time we got to our third and last night at the chalet, we were completely exhausted and felt burnt out. A group of friends came to the chalet on our last night to party and we wound up being too tired to get into it with them and went to bed before midnight.

It was another 8 months before I did E again. We wound up getting a bunch of pills before Canada Day and bought some extra pills for ďthe next timeĒ so that we wouldnít have to waste time trying to get more. 3 of us did E that day and we had a blast. I took half my pill, felt like I was on top of the world, walking around for hours, having a blast. We took the second half of our pills once we started to come down and it brought us right back up again. By about 8:00 or 9:00 we were completely sober and walked around feeling tired, slightly melancholic, sad that the good time was over.

I next did E four weeks later at an outdoor concert. It was a really hot day Ė 35 Celsius, not a cloud in the sky and virtually no shade at this outdoor event. It was so hot, I was paranoid about not drinking enough water and getting dehydrated. I felt awkward that day. I didnít know if I wanted to stand up or sit down. I would sit down and feel restless. I would stand up and feel tired like I wanted to sit down and relax. At one point, my boyfriend was sitting down and throwing up. He looked up and smiled and said he was fine, that he felt just great. It really freaked me out. Then we decided to walk around and out of nowhere, my stomach started heaving. I tried to force myself not to be sick Ė there were lots of people around sitting on the grass. As I was walking, I projectile vomited all the water I had been drinking. I just kept walking, I didnít even want to talk about it, because I thought if I talked about it, I would get sick again.

My legs were shaky and my vision was distorted. I kept thinking I was seeing things that on closer inspection werenít actually there. I was also having shutter vision. I drank water almost constantly from about noon to 8:00 p.m. I realized after the fact that this could have been dangerous. I didnít go to the washroom the entire day either, even drinking all that water. I also didnít eat the entire day either. I could never eat on E, the thought of eating just doesnít appeal to me. I still had a great time at the concert, but because of E, I missed some of the best artists that I had gone to see. Instead I was sitting on the grass talking or walking around, not paying attention to the music. I would have had a better time without the E and I regretted taking it that night. As well, I started to notice that the high was as good as the first time. Instead I was starting to feel weird on it, uncomfortable with myself and the whole puking thing really threw me off.

The next time I did E was a week later at a rave. The girl who sold them to me was a hardcore raver who I knew through a friend. She told me not to take too much because they were stacked pills and were ďspeedyĒ. I bit off about half and so did my boyfriend and our friend who came with us. We went and sat outside on the patio and relaxed. A girl who was on something was passing out at one of the tables and that kind of brought our mood down a little so we went inside. We drank water and chewed on some candy necklaces. I danced a bit but didnít really feel into it.
We went outside and my friend threw up in the bushes and then my boyfriend threw up twice. They both felt great and acted fine after the puking business. Apparently, some people get nervous and throw up on E. We sat and watched people dancing. At around 4:00 a.m. I took the last little bit of the pill I had left and we took a taxi home. During the cab ride home, it started to hit me and I was talking a lot. My boyfriend and our friend were sober at this point. The cabbie dropped us off and we smoked a J before my friend took off to walk the rest of the way home.

As soon as we got into my house, my boyfriend fell asleep. I, however, was flying. The joint had intensified my high. My heart was racing really fast and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was just staring at the ceiling and I could see differently changing colors of light on the stipple ceiling. I really wanted to fall asleep but I laid awake 5 hours in my own personal hell thinking I was going to have a heart attack. I finally fell asleep at 9:00 a.m. and slept for a few hours. I woke up feeling fine but emotionally down, feeling sort of empty and feeling like I had crossed the line with my drug use, like I was doing something bad.

After that night, just the thought of ecstasy would make my stomach knot up and I would feel intense anxiety. I couldnít even look at the pictures I had taken on Canada Day when we did E without feeling sick to my stomach. My friend had reacted the same way and couldnít even think about it, let alone do it again. E was fun the first few times I did it. I have no regrets and had some great times. Iím glad that I experienced it but Iím also glad that I only experimented. I would never do ecstasy again. I tried it and it just isnít for me. I already am a person with strong emotions, strong empathy and Iím a thinker. Taking E intensified my emotions TOO much, too a point where I felt uncomfortable inside. I will remember the good times I enjoyed on it, but I will never do it again.

Exp Year: 2004ExpID: 32388
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jun 19, 2007Views: 7,015
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)

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