Citation: TheBoyWithOutaFace. "I Remember: An Experience with Modafinil (Provigil), Codeine, Paroxetine (Paxil) (exp32367)". Erowid.org. Nov 12, 2004. erowid.org/exp/32367
Stats: 17 Years old, 5'10.
Drug's I've used recreationally:
-Weed, (only once).
-Ciggarets, (started a few weeks ago).
-Codeine, (upto about 300mg, it makes me really itchy, i'm not into opiates really..).
-Caffeine, (1400mg) Stomach disturbances from hell, this is one of the substances on my personal 'banned list'.
-Ephedra, (up to 200mg Ephedra Alkaloids, with this stuff it's either euphoric bliss or a anxious hell hole).
-Prozac (Major twitching of the face, intense; crazy hallucinations at night when attempting to sleep. almost OD'd once 400MG),
-Zoloft (Up to 1000mg, caused me to cry one day uncontrollably. Wasn't worth taking),
-Celexa (1600MG, crazy hallucinations, delirium, Almost died)
-Inhalents (Nail polish remover, Rubbing Alcohol, Windex) only a few times, haven't done it for about 2 years.
-Valium, (10mg max)
-Ativan, (8mg, trails, trails, trails, thats all I have to say about that. Looks like everyone is dodging bullets like the matix).
-Wellbutrin SR (I took 1200MG for a week straight, I had MAJOR visual and auditory hallucinations (they were great!, lots of sexually oriented dreams too). Unfortunatly on the seventh day I got a major nose bleed, I woke up covered in blood, I walked to the bathroom and passed out. I woke up about 30 minutes later covered in even more blood, I almost died. I was able to get rid of the clothing I was wearing (I was wearing a white T-shirt, it was completely red, some parts were brownish, I guess cause of dry blood. I swore I would never do that drug again, I never did).
Well this is how it started. I got the stuff from some online pharmacy,
I heard from others how it can improve your attention span and help keep you awake, without giving you the usual anxiety of other stimulants. I have been having a bad year since september. To make a long story short, I was having trouble concentrating and got barely any work done.
I take Paxil CR for anxiety, doctors say I have bi-polar disorder, I say their stupid (I'm supposed to be taking depakote but that crap sedates me too much. Paxil CR is bad as it is, that stuff literally knocked me out literally for 2 weeks straight, I would only get up to eat).
Enough about that.. now to the Provigil Trip. I took 1/2 of a 200mg (Provigil) with my usual daily dose of Paxil (6:40AM). I only took 1/2 because I had to get 'rid' of my valium (i'm parinoid, I think the fed's are going to raid my apartment any moment).
A full dose of Provigil makes me anxious without the valium. I had to go to court today, I was still pretty anxious, but I got through it. Too bad things did'nt go in my favor. I went home, and took a long nap. I woke up about (3:30PM) and took the other half of the Provigil (100mg). I started cleaning my room and found a 'pure' codeine pill (27.5mg) under my bed, I said what the heck and popped it in my mouth (4:09PM).
I've been taking this stuff for about a month (Provigil). It's has been losing it's effect gradually, i've been unmotivated, I haven't been doing my work as I was when I started the Provigil. So at about 5:30PM, I decide to take another Provigil (not 1/2 like before, the whole pill 200mg). About 5 minutes after I took it, I started to get that distictive headache I usually get with Provigil (I was suprised how fast it started to kick in, it must of been because I had a empty stomach). 20 minutes later
I decide to take 5 more pills (1000mg), I thought what the hell. I miss my valium, lets see if this makes any difference (i've been in a pissy mood, must be valium withdrawal? it's been 2 days without it).
It's (7:27PM) I feel a little light headed, stomach hurts a little, a little itchy because of the codeine, my body feels like it's burning up, I feel really 'UP' (much happier than usual), I feel like moving, dancing, whatever. I actually feel like conversating with people now (that's probably why i'm writing this erowid report in the first place). My vision is a little foggy, it looks like there's a thin layer of fog surrounding everything in my room, with little white dots all over the place (it's like when you accidentally unplug the coxial cable from in back of your TV (all that grayish static), but a LOT more subtle).
(7:41PM) WHOA, my eyes are WIDE open. It came out of nowhere, It felt like someone crept behing me and started holding my eyelids open, keeping me from closing them, My urge to sleep is completely gone. I can't stop wiggling my toes and shaking my feet. I feel pretty good, I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Listning to music has become alot more enjoyable, I feel like I am 'one' with the artist. His/Her emotions get blended with mines. I've been trying to quit smoking for a while, I got to one ciggaret a day. I haven't smoked my daily cig yet, but for some reason my craving is gone.
(8:17PM - 11:00PM) Feels like I have tunnel vision, If I look at one object, everything else is 'ignored' (thats the only way I can put it
in words). My past is playing back like a movie, I get random flashbacks about pratically anything. If I think, lets say 'ice cream' I get a flashback about when I bought my EX girlfriend some ice cream (a few months back).
Im getting flashbacks about my childhood (4th grade?) I remember how depressed I used to be, how I had no friends, how I used to overeat to make myself feel good, how hopeless I felt, all those times I got beat up for no reason, all the times I would soak in my bathtub after a terrible day at school, wishing I was someone else. I remember when my parents got divorced, I remember how hard it was for my mom to support me and my siblings. I remember how she used to cry because I wouldn't go to school (school=pain then, both physically and mentally).
I remember having excrutiating chest pains (heart attacks probably), I was obese, I ate to feel alive, ironically it was killing me. I remember having really bad hygine (I accepted that I was feces, so I decided that it would only be right to smell like it). I remember how other people viewed me, I was the class freak, if someone did something wrong they would blame it on me, I wouldn't dissagree because I new I would get beat up by practically everyone. I remember being remarkably being smarter than everyone in the class. I remember how my mother was physically abused by a guy she met a while after she divorced. He would drink himself into a drunken stupor and yell really loud at my mom, he would hit her too. My mom would only be concerned about me and my brother's safety so she would take the beating,
while hiding us from him. My mom got rid of him somehow (it's crazy how such a fragile, loving, kind woman can be so strong). I heard he hanged himself a few years thereafter.
I remember how I would go to Puerto Rico every summer to visit my father, my parents were already divorced, I was about 6 years old then. I would go with me and my older brother (older by 2 years) by airplane. The aircraft was a scary place for me, riding on a plane with all those strange people. Being without my mom made me very anxious, also I did not like crowds, I could not breathe with so many people around. I practically held my breath until I found my seat on the plane. My brother realized I was in distress and conforted me any way he new so (even though he was only 8). Also the thought of seeing my father again made the long, harsh ride worth it.
I cried tears of joy when I saw him. These short summer days would be the only time I would see my father. He would take me to a beautiful beach he only knew about. When I got there I felt like I was in God's playground. I would feel like he was God and me and my brother were his little angels. I remember how the sand would be very hot, and I would have to run through it, to get to the nice, crisp, cool waters. What a great relife that was. I remember how I would feel completely carefree and 'one' with the world,
Sometimes I would get so ecstatic, I would cry 'happy tears'. I remember eating cookies and milk before my father tucked me into bed. If there was a such thing as a 'perfect father' he would be it. I remember crying for my 'real' father every night after the summer ended.
I remember being absent so much that I almost got taken away by child protection services. I remember how my mom almost gave up on me. I remember being awoken in the middle of the night, by the loud sound of my mother crying, day after day almost endlessly. I remember being evicted from our aparment. I remember how I would have to survive eating condiments, I remember not eating at all. I remember eating until I could not breath. I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital shortly thereafter.
I have literally been depressed all my life, to me it was normal to be this way. I remember how I felt imprisoned in my own body. I remember declining the psychotropic medications they offered me. I remember the day I decided I would not be this way anymore, I wanted to look good, feel good, I wanted my life to have a meaning, I did not give up. I starved myself for about a year (the whole term I was hospitalized) and lost about 50 pounds. I remember the horrendous stomach aches I would get, the acid in my stomach felt like it was tearing holes in my insides.
I remember falling in love (the first time I new what love felt like).With a girl named J******r, I remember how soft her hair felt when I swayed my fingers through it. I remember her imperfections and how I would see right through them, revealing the beautiful person she really was. I remember the first time I felt jealous. I remember when she stopped loving me, I remember how she embraced (kissing and huggging) another guy right in front of my eyes, day after day. I remember feeling hopeless. I remember how I cried all night long, leaving the skin around my eyes all puffy and pink.
I remember still being in love, ignoring everyone else. I was enfatuated, I thought I lost my soul mate, I thought I was worthless, why would someone like 'me', I remember looking in the mirror seeing the 'old' fat, ugly me. Not the magnificent creature that only a supreme being could create, a perfect work of art, a picasso. I almost became completely anorexic, until
a girl slapped some sense into me (literally). I reallized there was something wrong, I forced myself to eat what a normal guy my age/height would eat (it took me a few months). Summer came, I remember I was still depressed, I tried denying it but it was the truth all along.
They released me from the hospital, I was finally able to see my mother.
I really didn't do much that summer, I ate, watched tv and slept. That was the routine that they engraved in my head. That's all I knew, thats what I thought existence was. I bearly saw the sun, my mother forced me to go out one day. It felt surreal, the sun was shining bright that day, I felt like a ant under magnifying glass, insignificant. I was thinking about how magnificent a supreme being would have to be to create such a vast universe and complex beings.
That day I had a apifiny, I realized how insignificant we really were, and if there is a grand creater I would be the first one to find 'it'.
Thats what I promised myself, I had a lighter outlook on life thereafter. I was able to relax and take in everything, before I would not let anyone in my 'shell'. I felt a great relief, it felt like someone took the shackles off me feet, and released the chains around my neck. For now I was no longer a prisoner, a prisoner in my 'own self'.
A few days before september they called up my mom and told her I would be going to a 'Special ED' school. They gave me a tour of it, but I hated it,
I will end it there, I am very happy that this drug was to give me a introspective view of my past. I can literally see, hear, feel and taste my memories. When I was recalling memories about the beach I could literally feel the hot sand between my toes, taste the salty wind blowing across my face and the relief of jumping in that crisp, cool water. I will definitly do this again, but probably with a close friend around, someone that I could share all my secrets with. I thought this was going to be a worthless, speedy, uneventful trip full of nausea, uneasyness and anxiety. But this is probably the best 'trip' i've ever had.
Though it's not over yet. The trip will probably last 6-8 more hours. I probably wont get any sleep. A good book will solve that problem. I just walked to bathroom and all the walls looked greenish and wiggly in the dark. My eyes adapted quickly, even if I was in a well lit room, right when I stepped into the darkness, everything became clear. It feels like I have night vision.
I have a little stomach ache but that is probably caused by me, not eating for the last few hours as I usually do. Happy tripping.
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