Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis)
Citation: Catling. "Session 2: Spiritual Death and Rebirth Into Light: An Experience with Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis) (exp32014)". Erowid.org. Mar 29, 2004. erowid.org/exp/32014
I was attending a conference in Brazil. The format was the same for each Ayahuasca session. We gathered in a large, airy room that is screened on all sides and built around a pole in the center. We would share our intentions for each of the sessions and each tie a knot in a length of wool, when we were all done L (one of the facilitators) would knot the ends, symbolizing our circle, and giving us an anchor to come back to. In the sharing the day after each session, we would each untie a knot as we shared whatever we wished to about our experiences. The room was darkened and we would all lie on our own mattresses while it hit. There was music on the way up, traditional chants, rain sounds, soothing music, and L walked around the room chanting and shaking a gourd rattle.
Hive Mind, Telepathy with A (another one of the facilitators), my Tribe at home, HELP ME, Mind shattering visions of the universe with pleading for death, Why? What Are We?, Claude, Mom, rape, all the pain of the world, true death, rising as an angel, coming back as a bird of fire and light, my eternal soul, all the beauty of humanity, Kayleigh
Physical Effects: No vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion. Aversion to food afterwards.
I trust myself to the Ayahuasca completely, please teach me what you feel I should know, if there are other bits of me that should be healed, I am ready and willing, please teach me whatever you can.
I didn't throw up at all this time, although I did have the diarrhea.
As I began to go, I went to the bathroom and had a revelation about a friend, about why we clash so much, why I feel rejected by him at times. He really rejects 'female vapors' and is quite rude. I don't know if I can truly reach him, but the Ayahuasca showed me some new angles to the problem, very clearly. I was profoundly grateful and thanked it repeatedly.
I went back to the mattress and then full onset occurred. I believe it was soon after an hour at this point. I was aware of everyone in the room, I felt like we were all going together, a hive mind, our walls melted and the contents of our minds and souls poured together. I cried out to A several times in this state and felt him there, reassuring. I realized that I loved them all, that I'm in love with A, with Jonathan, Vesper, Jeremy... and I felt the presence of others not there, and I was very aware of my love for them, and I felt in all of us some common cause, a genuine desire to see the world become a better place. I cried out to a dear friend, C, at this point, summoned him and somehow felt myself held between him and I, felt them strong on either side of me, and C whispered 'you are strong enough for this, you can do this. I will stay with you as long as you need me to, but then you'll have to go on alone.' I realized for the first time how much I love him, and I gave myself over to the love entirely, yielded. I accepted the sub in my nature, I felt I's hands yanking my hair back and my body's response to being taken and I yielded to them, and in so doing yielded fully to the Ayahuasca and it flooded me.
I began to receive a montage of images, I saw myself thrown out of my apartment onto the street, no job, no more credit with the landlord, I saw that as much as he likes me the building manager would do it with no qualms. I saw the friends I have lost, I saw them all and thought clearly of their sad faces at my funeral after I die on the streets. I began to ask myself if Claude ever raped me and faced fully the fact that he wanted to. I was enraged and sickened to realize that a man I thought of as a father figure had thought of me as something to use for his pleasure, and I decided that if I ever see him again, I will kill him so that he can't walk the earth with that poison in him and maybe lose control and hurt someone precious someday.
I experienced the pain of all the victims of the world over the ages, the slave cut up by an overseer's whip, all the women raped, everyone killed, beaten, burned, savaged, men raped, animals and humans and the earth itself tortured. I saw flashes from the Invisibles, the twisted masters that would control everything.
I began to scream internally as the cosmos shattered my mind. I began to cry out loud, 'WHY? WHY? WHY? WHAT ARE WE?' The litany went on inside me as gorgeous, shimmering rainbow visuals unfolded and unfolded and I was trapped as myself, trapped with all of the universe unfolding inside of my fragile mind. I saw A and somehow sensed others and we were laughing and crying, yes it is a colossal joke, we have destroyed ourselves, the human race is destroying itself along with the planet and we'll turn to the stars next if we advance the technology far enough, we'll spread across the cosmos raping and pillaging as we go. Why do these chemicals open these doors in our minds? What is beyond life? Beyond death? Who is out there?
I begged for death, I saw Jesse slitting my throat and wished for it with all my might, wanting to be free of the horrors pouring through me. And... I saw beyond it all, saw something and wondered again, what are we? A laboratory experiment gone terribly wrong? A mistake? A cosmic joke? Why do we exist? Why did the monkeys evolve into our sick, fucked up, species? We are broken at our very core.
Why do we so easily turn to violence? Why is hate and anger so much easier to embrace than love?
I died. Fully. Completely. Blackness. My life snuffed out at the hands of a million savages. I was choked and raped and cut and smothered to death. Blackness. An explosion of black and purple and then nothing.
And then..... peace. The most profound peace I have ever known. White light with rainbow hues within it embracing me, freeing me from my mortal shell. I felt wings grow from my shoulder blades and knew that the wings were a metaphor, a symbol, but that they were beautiful. And I knew that they can't stop me. That my body can die a thousand times, but my soul is radiant, immortal. The phoenix will rise again and again, and sing and now I was singing a song of joy and hope. A was there, holding me. I saw our great inventors, I saw the beauty of the way we can love each other, the beautiful creations.
I saw Kayleigh's story and remembered all of it and heard A say to me, 'If you want to live in this world forever, if you want the rainbow citadels of light and thought to become real on the earth, you have to bring this back with you and tell the tale, paint it, sing it, share it with as much of humanity as you can. Share it.'
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