Citation: M. "A Thousand Lost Ephiphanies: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp31931)". Erowid.org. Aug 28, 2005. erowid.org/exp/31931
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Before this night I had only smoked marijuana and drank alcohol about a million times. The people dropping along with me I will call AK and S and other’s who were not dropping will be called by the first letter of their name as well or if there are conflicting letters I’ll just use their initials.
The night began at 11:45 p.m. on the dot. I put the small piece of paper in my mouth and held it on my tongue for a little and then swallowed. There was certainly a feeling that there was no turning back now.
While waiting for the effects to kick in S and I decided to go up to a nearby BP to get some snacks and kill some time. AK had left immediately after we dropped to attend a previous social obligation but would return later on in the evening. Our friend Y drove us there and I got out of the car and went inside and grabbed a bag of Fritos and a soft drink. While standing in line behind three people a very warm feeling started to wash over me and a feeling of giggliness began to become prevalent. This was approximately 30 minutes after I had taken it and I began to smile and sort of laughed to myself for no particular reason. It probably looked a bit odd to those around, but at the moment I did not really care, because I could still feel myself in complete control of my body.
About a half an hour later we were back at JK’s house (JK was the host of a little get-together this evening, much as he was on almost every weekend.) S stopped me in the kitchen and informed me, “It’s for real.” For the hour before this I was in a pseudo-denial mode, because although I felt a little change, I did not believe that this was going to affect me in anyway and I assumed that we had gotten some weak stuff that wouldn’t do much to me. I could feel it for sure now, but it was all physical. I was not seeing things melt or grow or anything of the sort but there was an undeniable feeling of energy coming from everyone and thing around me. Several of my friends, who were aware of what I was on, came up to me in the follow moments and asked if anything crazy was happening, but all I could inform them of was the never-ending flow of energy I felt pulsing through my body. They noted that they could tell I was feeling it, because I was talking and moving faster than I ever was.
From all I had researched about the drug and the effects of it, I never expected this buzz. I had not assumed that I would be feeling such a tremendous amount of energy, but I can compare it to a very anxious feeling. At the time (and up until the point where I peaked) I could feel something growing inside of me, as if a dam was being backed up and at any moment it was going to break loose. A good metaphor for what I was feeling would be that I was traveling up a large hill on a roller coaster (a 2 hour hill) and as time passed I knew I was getting closer and closer to reaching the top of the coaster and then plummeting at speeds I had never traveled before. What may have helped with the tremendous amount of energy I was feeling was the fact that there was a party like atmosphere (about 13 people were in the house in total) and the sociability of almost everyone there due to the alcohol they were consuming.
About one hour and forty five minutes after I had taken it I still did not feel like it had taken total effect. There were no visuals but the buzz had increased as time went on and it was if my body was taking energy from all those around me and using it as its own. I was sitting on the couch with AF, a girl that I had known for a little while but only had a few conversations with. She asked me to rub her back and I began feeling a sense of confidence coming over me, which is something that I rarely obtain. I complied and not once did my hands stop moving and I kept playing with her hair and noticing how absolutely gorgeous (I could feel how pretty it was, if that makes any sense) it felt against my hands and noted that I felt they got lost within the complexities of the fiery red fibers that grew from her scalp. I began to feel a bond with her, as if she knew everything about me and I had known her forever, a feeling that I would share with several others throughout the remainder of the night. It was also at this time that I had my first reflection and epiphany about my life as a whole. I am often times shy and scared around girls when they get too close or ask me to do something physical but I had absolutely no qualms about fulfilling her wish of obtaining a decent back rub from me. I began to realize that when I’m in a social situation such as this party, I would most of the time cower away from those who I did not know very well unless I had received courage from alcohol, but unlike my social nature under the influence of alcohol I was forming coherent thoughts and my sentences flowed together and I used words from the very depths of my vocabulary. I also noted that when I am drunk and social I use the word “fuck” to fill up spaces where I was searching for the right word or words to say, but I do not believe I uttered that word once throughout the night, nor do I remember fumbling my sentences until much later into the night. But I digress. The epiphany I got while sitting on the couch was that if I could be this charming and pretty much win this girl over while under the effects of LSD, then what had I ever worried about? I could do the very same thing while sober (and probably more effectively, due to the fact that my mind would not be racing through different thoughts so quickly.) My form of social anxiety, albeit not a severe as most cases, was in my mind cured and up until this point I still feel the same way and when placed in a social event since then I have warmed up quite more and I’m not the cold figure that I once was. It was at that point that I could see why this drug was used for psychiatric therapy long ago, because you come face to face with your problems and see them from a different perspective, and I noticed that my problem was downright silly. Obviously, I could tell the effects upon my thinking were taking on noticeable changes, because I was now thinking on a deeper level than ever before. (Note that AF was not drunk.)
While still sitting on the couch with her, my friend C came in wearing a Halloween mask in a vain attempt to make me “freak out.” At first I stared at the mask and noticed how scary it COULD be, but I did not find myself frightened. What the mask did to me was make me think of how horrible it would be to walk down the street and see a creature such as this jump out and tear into my flesh and how horrible it would be to live the last moments of my life screaming at the mercy of this monster. I laughed uncontrollably, because I found it ridiculous he was trying to freak me out. He took off the mask and motioned me to as to say, “Let’s go smoke a bowl,” because we had talked about smoking one in about a half an hour before I sat down on the couch. I complied, but I knew that AF did not like such things so I broke myself away from her and she wouldn’t be sure of what we were going to do. I knew I could come back to this area in a few minutes and continue what I was doing before. Boy was I wrong.
I did not believe the pot would increase what I was feeling or make any significant change in the course of events of the night, due to the fact that it was a weaker drug than what I was on. We (C, AN, JB, and I) huddled in between two cars in JK’s driveway and the bowl came around to me and I took a monster hit. S had been telling me the whole time I should just do it for “flavor” and it wasn’t going to change anything. It came around the second time and I took another huge hit and I blew out the smoke and noticed that I now had the definite feeling of being “stoned.” This changed my idea and made me wonder if the acid really was that weak and I had just been feeling a placebo effect. We stood around for about five more minutes smoking cigarettes when all of a sudden things took on a definite change. A massive wave of paranoia washed over me and I began to become scared standing out there, probably because of the fact we were right by the house smoking weed. But things changed once again and I no longer felt stoned. My buzz from before returned, this time much more significant and I turned around in the driveway and looked at the building that was behind me. Earlier, S noted that the building was giving him crazy visuals and as hard as I tried I could see nothing. This time, however, the building was swaying from left to right and then from right to left, as if it were a brittle shack about to collapse during a wind storm. It is an image forever burned into my mind, because it was at that exact moment that I realized that I had entered a world where the normal rules no longer applied. My mind was racing, thinking a million thoughts a second that I could not keep track or remember, but each one had its own significance in accordance to all I had ever known.
After staring at the building for what seemed like an eternity (probably about 4 minutes total) we all went back inside. Objects I stared at on the walk back up to the top floor pulsated ever so slightly and the energy I had felt before returned to me, and I could feel a nonstop flow coming from everything that surrounded me. In the loft where I had sat with AF, the couches had been moved and it was total darkness as if everyone there had just disappeared. I didn’t mind at all at the time, because I would have felt odd around AF with red eyes that I always get from marijuana. The paranoia subsided and I was now sitting at JK’s computer in his room. In the room with me were SK (JK’s brother), M (a friend of SK’s), C, AN, and Y. C was sitting behind me and was asking what was going on and I told him now that I was indeed feeling what had to be the full effects. We chatted for a few minutes and laughed several times, because everything seemed hilarious and the party and the drunkenness of those around me were ridiculously amusing. I told C that everything was a movie right now and it was if I was not even in the room, but I was just a camera soaking up every bit of information all at once. The scene around me was taken directly from a movie, as I was an eyewitness to the party instead of being directly involved with it. I could dissect different conversations at once if I concentrated and it seemed that at no time did anyone except those who knew what I had done even looked at me once. It was an odd feeling, as if instead I was connected to everyone around I was now totally disconnected, an unimportant object that sat off to the side of the room. Destruction of the ego was just beginning.
I am not quite sure what happened in the following half hour or so, but I’m sure it took on the same effects of me just watching and taking in everything that went on around me. All I know is that the conversations that occurred during this time only seemed like “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH” in my mind. I know that I came back into JK’s room and the lights were out now, and the same people (minus C) were still in the room, yet the lights were off. The door was cracked half way and I took my seat at JK’s computer once again and realized how unbelievably cool everything looked. Because the light was not fully entering the room, the bottom half of the faces of those talking were all I could really see and the vividness of the light that reflected upon their skin in indescribable. (I compare it to altering the contrast on a television set.) It looked much like a solar eclipse was occurring and where there was no light it was REALLY dark and where there was light it was REALLY bright. Truly breathtaking, as this is one of the most beautiful sites I have ever witnessed and the conversations took a back seat to what I saw at that moment. It sucked when someone came in and turned the lights on.
But when this event did occur, I switched my interest over to AN. We started talking and I could tell that she was drunk and stoned, a socially lethal combination in my opinion. I did not stop laughing one time, because everything she said made perfect sense and it was directly correlated with my humor. I felt as though she had a log of all the jokes and things I found amusing from my entire life and built her humor around those very things. It was a very odd feeling and it was the first point in the entire night where I had the thought that maybe everything around me I had created myself within my head. It was as if I were God. This thought trailed from my mind when I saw other’s having menial conversations with one another that did not pertain to me in the slightest. At times throughout the rest of the conversation I had conflicting thoughts, because when talking to her I was everything, I was God, but when seeing others I was absolutely nothing. Her face had a look of being mesmerized (which she later described as her drunk/stoned face) upon it, further concreting the idea that I was everything to her at this exact moment and I wished for further things between us, something I will not go into do to the fact that she is C’s girlfriend.
It was now around 3:20 a.m. and almost everyone was still awake and playing Super Mario World on C’s modded X Box that contained several thousand retro games on emulators. I decided to try my hand at it along with JK and I realized how good I was at the game. I did not once play badly and my mind seemed to be totally connected with what my hands were doing. There is a speed up button on the controller for the emulator, however, and JK kept pushing it to make me mad. I informed him after a while that I would fight him if he did it once more, but he continued and I just sat there and boiled inside. Eventually he let up and finally he went to sleep. Now, AK was back and we were flipping through the possible games we could play and noted that we were in a child’s heaven, with an unlimited amount of games at our disposal. In fact, we both knew we were in our own heaven as we were huge fans of these games and AK picked out Super Punch Out to play. I about pissed my pants with joy because I had just been playing it a few nights before and I had defeated a good portion of his times. We took turns fighting against the computer (because that’s all you can do in this game) and challenging each other’s times of victory. We agreed that there are few things better in the world than finding a person worthy of being called a very good Super Punch Out player and we for sure bonded through the game.
I also must note that from the time of 3:20 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. seemed as if it took about 3 days. I remember looking at my cell and seeing the time as 3:24 a.m. and then looking back at what seemed like an hour later to realize it was 3:27 a.m. This was scary in a way, but also very cool, because I was in a very comfortable state of mind and at some points I did not want this wonderful night to come to a close.
Of course at 5 a.m. everyone was asleep and AK, S, and I were still wide awake. Never expect to fall asleep when tripping. It is just not going to happen and I knew for sure this was the truth when I would close my eyes and relax for a few minutes then feel the need to open my eyes and look at everything around me. I also realized that even in a dark room, when I closed my eyes it was as if I was sitting in front of a lamp and the light was making me see the bright red of the back of my eyelids. I got up and went to the bathroom and urinated for the first time that night. I noted that I did not even feel like I had to, but when I did I pissed for a long time. It was an almost never-ending flow that eventually ceased after what I would judge as two minutes. I went over to wash my hands and looked in the mirror, only to see a person I couldn’t even recognize. I stared at my right eye and it began to bulge out. Because my eye was the main point of focus, the rest of my face began to blur, but not in the normal way. My face broke into about nine separate pieces, as if someone had put together a crossword puzzle and disassembled it carelessly and frantically. None of the pieces fit together at all and I shook my head and refocused upon my entire face. I then stared at my nose and my eyes separated from where they had been. My face was liquid and it looked as though someone has pulled my eyes to the outside of my face and there was a smear where they once wore. I shook my head again and stood a few feet back from the mirror. I looked directly into my pupils and the two large circles began to float as the rest of my body blurred out and melted into a blob of nothingness. The circles were outlined in a white light and I stared into them as they stared back and moved around within the mirror. I was no longer looking at a reflection of my body in the mirror. It was a form that cannot even be described as me.
I went back into the room and told those still awake that I was still having visuals and when I would look at the lines and such on the wall they were outlined in a bright white light and wiggled and grew quickly. This continued for the next couple of hours and we talked until everyone woke up the next morning. By the time everyone was awake, I was no longer tripping, but I had still not slept and we went and got something to eat. I was sort of quiet while we were eating, because I was trying to reflect on all that I saw and realized the night before. Everyone else talked about how much fun the night was and I all I could do was agree and I realized how thankful I was to have such fun loving and great friends to be with all the time.
I certainly believe that I had several life changing thoughts running through my mind this night, but I forgot most of them seconds after I realized them, which is quite a frustrating feeling. I feel that I was on to something that night and a greater understanding of all things around me was beginning to come into focus. However, I do not feel like I achieved this understanding in its entirety and I feel that one day I will travel back to try and figure it all out once more.
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