Citation: Trancer. "I Was Able to Forgive and Move On: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp30514)". Erowid.org. Feb 5, 2007. erowid.org/exp/30514
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I've dealt with all sorts of events in my life, and in many instances, I've been unable to cope. About a year ago, my boyfriend of several years broke up with me. We are still friends to this day, but it has been very difficult for me. I've felt a lot of anger, resentment, and hatred towards him, even though he is a very good person. I have had trouble moving on and accepting things as they are, and for the most part, I have been a depressive and unhappy person overall. However, with E, something inside me has changed.
I dropped E for the first time at an underground rave (party). I went with 2 friends. One of my friends had been part of the party scene and used to do a lot of E but no longer dropped. He had referred me to internet resources prior to the party and had showed me the section on MDMA, and the positives and negatives that it had. Before E, the only other drug I had every tried was weed. After reading the positives and negatives, I decided that I wanted to try E. My friend was able to get me a 'pure' pill which was in capsule form. I was told that the pures have a much smoother roll, and that coming down wasn't as harsh.
Close to midnight at the party, I dropped. I was a little nervous and worried about it since I had never taken E before and didn't know what to expect. I was told by my friends 'Stop worrying about it, and it will hit you'. I finally stopped worrying about it after maybe 15-20 minutes and just started to focus on the music.
All of a sudden, my body felt like it had a big orgasm. That's the only way to describe the feeling of when it hits you. I got this urge to hug my friends immediately. Then, this guy near me gave a really great light show. I had gone to parties before, but this guy was by far the best glow sticker I've ever seen. And it wasn't the E, he had skills. After his glow stick show, I told him that was the greatest and happiest thing I'd ever seen in my whole life.
As time passed by, I started rolling harder and harder. I talked to everyone around me. I would hug strangers if I thought they needed a hug. I started to care about others around me even if I didn't know them. I wanted to know about all the people around me. Everyone seemed so nice and at peace. I loved everyone and everything around me without making judgements on them. I started to play with my water bottle, twisting and turning it like I was some sort of half magician/half juggler.
I met some odd characters that night. Some of the people at that party were high on other things besides E. For the most part, what they said didn't make any sense, but I still listened and cared about what they had to say. When we left the party at 7 am, I didn't want the music to stop, so my friend popped in a house/trance CD in the car. Even in the car I was still bouncing and happy. I finally went to bed that night around 10 am. I woke up around 5 in the afternoon, but I felt very calm and relaxed.
A few days after the party, all of a sudden I broke down and got really depressed. I cried about my ex-boyfriend. I just felt extremely sad about the way things were, and how everything has changed in my life. However, the day after that, I felt a lot better.
I've dropped E a few more times after this, all at parties. I've always loved trance and house music, but I love it even more after rolling on E. I love the all ages parties, and the vibe there is more positive. Everyone is happy and I seem to talk to some really cool people every time. The music, the lights, and the people just make it impossible not to have a good time. The first time I took E at that one party, all I did was chat and meet people. But now at the parties, I dance my butt off, and chat with and meet people. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I noticed that at these parties, some people go just for the sake of taking E, but since I've always loved the music anyway as well as dancing, the E is just a bonus.
Other people have noticed a difference in me and my perception of life. Most importantly, I am noticing it within myself. I am a much more positive and open person. I have forgiveness in my heart and I accept myself and the people, the situations, and the things around me as they are. I don't feel nearly as depressed as I used to, and other than the time when I broke down after taken my first pill, I don't have crying spells anymore.
I love hitting these parties, but I know that moderation is the key. Even if I don't do E at these parties, just the dancing and music is enough. I know that one of the side effects of E is that it causes depression, but I was already severely depressed to begin with. In some odd way, E rewired my brain into something that is much more positive.
In many ways, it gave me the ability to move on and enjoy my life and what I have.
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