Citation: Ven. "Paranoid Mind Warp: An Experience with Cannabis (exp30054)". Erowid.org. Jun 20, 2006. erowid.org/exp/30054
I remember the night started out with the intention of some of us getting high off weed for the first time. There were three friends with me, lets call them T, C, and M.
C had smoked weed before and thus was the 'veteran' in our little group, he was able to do all sorts of stuff - like show us the proper technique of smoking weed through a bong. So we decided we'd try it at C's house, a very calm, and safe environment for our first times... I'd been there many times before and knew the place well.
Anyway, I got hold of $25 worth, and took it to C's house where my friends were already waiting eagerly for me to arrive. We all examined it and C preceded to cut it up and pack the cone-piece. C took the first hit, and within a few minutes started laughing - this set the atmosphere for us all. We were all immediately curious and wanting to feel what C was feeling, I remember also feeling pumped full of adrenaline, as I was trying something new and was wondering what it would do to me.
Lets fast forward to the start of it... I think the time was around 11:30pm. I remember sitting on the back door-step of C's place, holding the bong and smoking the weed. Since we were passing the bong around I never really knew how much I'd smoked except that I thought it was quite a lot. Everytime I smoked the stuff, C would tell me I wasn't doing it right and I kept doing it again and again until finally C was happy with my technique (I wasn't covering the hole when filling the chamber with smoke). I know I still managed to inhale quite a lot of smoke even when C was telling me I wasn't doing it correctly.
A few minutes later... I started laughing at everything, it felt quite pleasant. Everything just seemed to be funny to me at the time. Then C and T began laughing again and this just made it more hilarious because M still hadn't smoked and had no idea what we were all laughing about. This continued for about 5 minutes before we went inside and decided to watch a movie on TV...
This is where it started.
I was sitting in an armchair, attempting to watch this movie (all I was really doing was zoning out on nothing in particular), and beginning to think strange thoughts. I distinctly remember C saying something about this 'stupid woman' in this movie, T agreeing and saying that all women were stupid, and then suddenly I started to believe that I was trapped in this room with these people that were actually gay and out to get me. I remember saying something like 'I know what you guys are intending on doing' in a very serious voice. This might seem funny to people reading this, but these people were/are very good friends of mine, and for me to even think this, shows that I wasn't in a sane state of mind. C, T and M all gave me weird looks for a second, and this just made things worse for me, as I believed the looks that they were giving me just affirmed that I had caught on to their plan. I began to get very panicky.
C began to try and calm me down - telling me that they weren't doing anything and we were all just watching a movie. I refused to believe him. T didn't know what the hell was going on and began to think that I might have taken something else as well (actually Iím still not sure about this - I think I remember him saying this), and M tried to make it turn into a joke to change my mindset away from paranoia (pretty smart I think now..).
By now I was totally gone. I believed the weed had opened up a new part of my mind, and that I could actually see through the disguises of the world, and see it for what it truly was. These people were no longer my friends in my mind, in fact the house I was standing in was also just a figment of my subdued minds' imagination. I fully and completely believed that I was actually not really living this life and it was a simulation pulled over my eyes to hide the truth... I believed that marijuana had opened up my mind to the REAL world, and hence that was why it was an illegal drug, because people would be able to see the real truth. I started to wonder what was happening to my real body in the other world. Unfortunately, since I'd previously believed my friends to be gay and after me, I began associating that with my delusions. I thought disgusting and horrible thoughts that my body could be being used for sex and also other scary thoughts that I could be an experimentation subject (like a lab rat).
By now, I really did not believe that I lived in the real world - hence none of my actions from here on to my friends or anyone made any difference to me.
I began to turn violent, firstly in tone of voice. I can't remember some of what happened, but suddenly all my friends were sitting on the floor facing me and the TV was now off. I didn't want ANY of them to move, and I knew they were going to try something, and that they were secretly communicating to each other how they could get me. I think I told them that none of them should move and that I didn't trust them...
I remember I started feeling sleepy, but every time I closed my eyes I would hear something and immediately thought it to be my friends attempting to 'get me' so would instantly open my eyes again and look around in a frightened and angry manner.
I was told I sat like that for over an hour... I feel so ashamed for making my friends go through all of this.
Things became worse all of a sudden, I decided I couldn't take it, I didn't want to live in a world where nothing was real. I got up and started running around the house banging on doors screaming on top note 'LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!', I don't think my friends were aware that I meant this in two ways... Mainly I wanted to get out of this 'fake' world, and also I decided I wanted to leave c's house and be alone. C tried to calm me down, and I refused and told him not to come near me. He tried to force me away from the front door and I pushed him away very forcefully. He tried again to tell me to calm down, and I told him to 'fuck off' and that I didn't believe it was him. I'm also told I spat on him at this stage.
I'm not sure how the idea came up, but suddenly there was the idea of calling my parents, telling them what happened, and getting the hell out of C's house and going home. At first my friends didn't want to do this, but because of how badly I was acting (yelling, spitting, swearing at my friends, pushing them) but they eventually agreed it was a good idea as I was becoming dangerous. I called them, and thankfully they answered (it was now 2am). I explained myself to my Mother and she understood and told me she would be there asap. This calmed me down a lot, and I waited for them to arrive. When the car finally arrived, I was let outside and saw that it was my Father driving the car. This confused me and I began to worry that my parents were in on it too.
I remembered I had looked at a bottle in the back of the car before arriving at C's and I remembered the level the water was at. Strangely I told my Father that I had to check the water level of the bottle in the back of the car before I got in... I was beginning to believe that I was in the 'real' world again, but wasn't sure who I could trust...
I slept when I got home, but only after inspecting the house to ensure everything was as I remembered it previously.
For about 6 months afterwards, I occasionally and briefly experienced what I guess you could refer to as 'flashbacks'... Where I would believe all of a sudden that the world was fake and I was really somewhere else, my mind was being fooled. This made me realise that I had seriously caused some damage to myself. These flashbacks caused me some problems, I was starting to think that I could be losing my mind, very frightening feeling.
However, the flashbacks began to subside, and now I don't experience them anymore.
I have done it since, and I STILL get these very intense panic attacks... However I think I'm getting better at controlling them.
I do not know ANYONE else who trips out on weed like I do, however having recently read a report online which explains very similar symptoms to what I felt, I'm thinking I might have a border-line disorder that is bought about by weed (such as a panic/anxiety disorder).
As you can see - this was no ordinary experience on weed. I was on no medications, and the weed was not laced with something strange (else my friends would have suffered the effects too).
I have recently developed a new attitude to drugs, I now firmly believe the mind is such a powerful tool, that whenever I encounter a scary experience on any substance, I will attempt to face it, find out why I'm feeling it, and find a way to defeat it... So I'm determined the next time I smoke it, I will face these feelings and get rid of them. (Believe me - this would have been impossible for me on my very first time though).
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