Citation: Hector the Crow. "Fourth Time - Tryp to Infinity: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp29944)". Erowid.org. Jan 15, 2004. erowid.org/exp/29944
||(powder / crystals)
The following is a report I wrote this morning, concerning my first strong tryptamine experience. It was typed 30 minutes after the peak.
Hey. Okay. My business, that stinks of profundity, is to describe the trip, integrate the trip, as soon after tripping as I can. Now's the time I dictate: I wonder: What was real, or what IS real? I don't want a narrative, I want a meta-chronological gestalt of the fucking trip!
Well I can tell you - the flash I've been looking for - the transcendence, the boundary dissolution - I finally got there - the breakthrough. I'm confused as hell, and hardly know how to describe it - tagging any words to its shining essence feels hideously futile... but something compels me to try...
there was boundless joy, infinite joy - only a brief moment of terror - bafflement - beyond lingual bafflement - this was not elves, no fucking self-dribbling basketballs, I can tell you that - a broad bonk on the head with a blunt cerebral/celestial filter - a cleansing - for a brief moment, I was cleansed of self - my self washed away, it really happened - it was not just a theory, it was a reality -
the ontology alteration, the shattering of the world is fully gone, but psychological aftershocks are still buffeting me as I write this, jostling, stunned - christ...
do i describe this experience using words like good and bad? do I impose values on it? Somehow, that doesn't seem right - abstract as possible, concrete as possible - I keep wanting to contradict, to do opposing things at once - somehow this relates to a philosophical theme of the trip, an intuitive insistence I had not planned for, nor had any anticipation of...
when the real thing hits you - it's hard to know what to think
you should probably just shut up and look around - the world - look around your head
but you can't can you you babbling fool? - you wanna WRITE about it - in second person now -
okay, go ahead then... maybe you'll wise up next tryp
cause we ARE gonna do this again, my precious...
soon... at a higher dose - because as amazing as THIS experience was
I know there are levels above this, and that is staggering
I know if I do a bit more, with an open mind this time
I know I can get even farther out - maybe transcendent of this strange transcendence...
Okay, now I'll try a conventional narrative trip report:
My third experience resulted in about the same effects as the second, even though I thought I added more powder. This time I was very liberal with the powder (estimated 10-15mg). I was determined to get to the next level this time. Well I did.
I sat down and took one big long toke, 15 seconds of inhalation. I started feeling it very early on, very strong, and very definitely this time. I took another big long toke, 15 seconds. About halfway through this toke, I knew it was escalating toward some novel perturbation of consciousness - something I hadn't experienced yet - I was in for a ride...
I may have taken a third toke, I may have not - I don't remember - somewhere during this second toke, I phased out of the regular universe I was accustomed to, and emerged in something else - I felt pulled into some swirling foreign reality - panic immediately gripped me, but I struggled to remain calm - my whole field of vision seemed to distort - AS a field - as if what I saw was a flat texture being pulled off of some larger underlying essence - this was me stepping out of my 4 dimensional matrix of space time and encountering something greater - I could not handle the vertigo - I had to do SOMETHING - move!!!
I got up off the chair and fell onto the couch. This leads me to believe that I wasn't as high as I could've been - that being, tranced and incapacitated, abandoned to the void...
I lay there, overwhelmed, fearing my mind had been taken too far, too far to ever return to sanity - this was far beyond any psychedelic state I'd yet encountered - this was completely new. For a few seconds, I wanted nothing greater than to return to my previous state of consciousness.
I felt the panic of the lucid dreamer trapped in a nightmare - anything could happen - I felt the terror of an impending obliteration...of what, I was not sure - but I knew it was too big for ME - and I was right - the universe was not big enough for ME and IT both... It was ME that was destroyed - ego lost.
I was not feeling a void, rather a transmutation of reality - I felt my self, my ego, slip away rapidly, and completely, leaving a bizarre vacuum in the psyche that was now just a component of the universe - everything just a component - the loss of self brought me a feeling of unity and complete oneness with everything - infinity manifested as the doubt-destroying, blinding essence of existence - the self and my life were not real - life is but a dream - I'd been awakened, shaken out of the hypnosis of that narrow limited reality.
I felt ecstatic that I had reached this state - I felt triumph - I felt enlightened - I felt every question was answered - I felt immortal - but I couldn't say why ~
Profound profane hilarity - cackles, giggles –
I was on a profound positive plateau, stretched as a pretzel figure-8 paradox strange loop - I felt like I'd finally inhabited certain mystic states - I felt neither cosmic consciousness nor solipsistic consciousness - the feeling was on another spectrum entirely - words I carried were INFINITY and OTHER - I went to my bedroom, through a bubbling twisting warping hallway, got on my computer, and typed typed typed... For a second I was ready to anoint EVERYONE ENLIGHTENED DIVINITY!
I typed my ecstasy, which startled to dissolve into skepticism, with revelations fleeing, fleeting like nitrous oxide truths - William James' axiom rang in my head: 'Everything in this universe is the smell of burnt almonds.' Might as well have been. Is. Was.
I was far MORE than myself, and far less as well. I felt filtered into a meta-self, shaken from self, loose, drifting, free...
but with nagging skepticism
was it all real?
what does it mean?
should I care what it means?
why am I asking this?
the jolt from this otherworld back to reality was jarring - hard - mundanities sweeping in - window closing...
what do I make of it? what do I make of it?
Pressure to make something of it - strain -
knowledge that i'll forget what it was like
I'll HAVE to forget, right? How can I retain it? No way that's possible.
I'll forget, and what's worse, I won't BELIEVE!
I'll believe I was hyperbolizing, souping up the description...
That was then and this is now.
And time keeps on slipping - slipping away
what was once a dilated near-infinite moment
is now an afternoon going by much too quickly - a trip fading...
Allowing myself to indulge in the banality of “spell-check” is the final sign that I’m down for good.
Why did I type?
I shouldn't have tried to english it so soon
I should have experienced, not recorded.
This is all lies though - language...
Ego loss, for 'me' (whatever that is) is something that I 'myself' can't really make sense of after the phenomenon is over. I only remember it as a pale fact, not a reality. If my experience on three grams of shrooms was a 5 or 6 (on DMTurner's scale), the 5meoDMT flash was probably a 7 or 8. Certainly a jolt - an unambiguous blast into new territory. And still... I must go further.
I'd rather use nnDMT than 5meoDMT, as the former is allegedly much more visual - I assume the hallucinations could better help me assign meaning to the experience - but 5meo is what I have to work with, and it's definitely powerful stuff in its own right.
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