Citation: Ridder. "Realization of Everything: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp29897)". Erowid.org. May 7, 2007. erowid.org/exp/29897
My GF and I had decided to go hiking and tripping. She had never really had a successful trip on shrooms but she has experience in other 'psychedelics'. We had a great time hiking and about 6 hours later we were back home, still coming down a bit. We ingested the shrooms by way of hot drink, either tea, or apple cider. After talking about what a wonderful day it was, I got the notion it would be cool to play a video game tripping. So we dose up again.
Funny how ideas you had before the trip often doesn't add up to the actual adventure. We start tripping again and playing video games, but shortly into playing I decided I wasn't really into it. My GF is a wonderful person and the love of my life, she never cares what we do and is always happy to go along with my crazy ideas. So we put in a movie and start enjoying the film and smoking weed.
Well one thing I often do (regardless of drugs) is ponder the universe and try and understand how it all works and the question of 'why'. My beliefs at that point were basically like this:
The universe is an amazing place by nature. It is made up of 'relative' micro environments performing their tasks, unaware of the next step up, the big picture those parts are made up. The simplest example is life. We are consicous beings, but we are made up of distinct organs and systems, each with a job to do. Each one of those systems are made up of smaller structures, those structures are ultimately made up of cells, those cells of protein and amino acid strands as well as cholesteral, etc etc. In a seemingly an infinite pattern. And the pattern works up the other way too. We make up family units, those units are part of our community, which form our society, which form municipalities, which are part of counties, states, nations, world population, 1 planet of 9 (maybe 10), one solar system out of thousands on our arm of the galaxy, one arm of many, one galaxy of many in a cluster, one cluster of many clusters in a mega cluster, one mega cluster sitting in space with others billions of light years away.
The beauty of all this is it all happens without knowledge of the other systems. My cells have no idea what they are working towards, in their case the purpose of forming my body and keeping it functioning. they spend their life cycle performing a function in complete harmony with it's micro-environment. This is how the entire universe works from a 'how point of view'. Science is great at finding out how, what science is unequipped to do is figure out why.
Also I should point out some of my beliefs on spirituality. I believe that all the universe is interconected radiating from a similar energy source. More to the point is that we also are made of this energy. If I were to take everything down to it's simplest form, I ultimately get to a point of pure energy, very fluid I imagine. More or less what this comes down to is we are all the same, different fragments of the same energy. Each of us is a focusing of a fragment of energy. I am not the first to think of this, a common ideal by many is called Oneness . Spiritually I believe that our conscioussness transcends our physical reality. I believe every thought, emotion, dream, fantasy, all are valid realities. I believe in a multiverse filled with unlimited iterations of the same universe. Every moment is actually a possibility with more than one outcome, all outcomes separating into infitely more possibilities and more universes within the multiverse, every new 'fork' in the road making up a new moment, what one could call a true measurement of time. Every life that ever has and ever will exist is much like a singular life force, always there. However there are infinite possibilities as there are infinite universes. So lets say you lived the same life over and over and over, each time would be a different experience. However I don't think we each live one life only.
Now back to my trip, I was going on a rant to my gf about the universe and why are we here. For the most part I was not in to external stimuli at this point (but man I was enjoying the colors), so I paused the movie, and we continued our conversation, and smoked more weed. This is some of what I came up with when sitting on the couch, holding the hands of the one I loved, smoking joint after joint after joint. It is my belief that we can all live any life any time in history. Lets say each life force that ever existed were hollow tubes. These tubes at one end were connected to a huge plane, all sticking up, like wires sticking out of a bread board (for the electronically inclined). Lets say at the open end it wasn't really open, but let say there was a bubble attached to it, much like a glass blower, but the shape isn't really important. Lets say that that bubble made up the subjective reality of that person. Now fold the entire plane into itself so all the subjective realities on the entire plane meet in a circle, forming a congruent object reality, all intereconnected in the middle but each one separate.
Now lets say we aren't directly connected to any of this, instead we are like an electron passing thru. We exist on the plane, and as we experience life it is like we choose one of these pipes to go down. When we reach the end of the pipe, we go back to the plane, choosing another one. All for the fun of experience, and no other real reason. All the other reasons exist because we want them to. Just like in our mundane life, we constantly give ourselves a goal, the reason for doing it is because we want to. Our searches and journeys all amount to our choice of having to make choice.
There was a lot to it that I have forgotten (because I had to, in order to exist in this reality). But this part of the puzzle I retained. I came to the realization that everything really is me and I am everything. I can make my universe anything at all, and to me that is exactly what it is. But at the same time every other subject reality in existance will have it's own 'view' of that, one view will dominate and that will form the objective part I mentioned above, the universe we share. As I was talking to my gf, I was coming up with this revelation, and then I came up with the real how. And when I learn the real how I understand the real why. The entire universe that we share exists because of duality. What I mean is every focused piece of energy is like 2 sides to the same coin. Each side being completely independent and often unaware that the other side is part of the whole coin. Now both sides could never actually meet, or more appropriately look eye to eye (lets say it is a two headed coin). So for the sake of reality lets say they appear separated, constantly in flux with each other, seeing how close they can come without merging, then separating again and doing the dance all over again. And at this point I realized that such as it is with life, we all have purposes, many of the purposes we have, we invented ourselves. But one universal one is finding that significant other. What this really means is FINDING YOURSELF. I exist in each and every one of you as you exist in each me and everyone else.
For many of us we want to find that side of the coin that seems to make us whole. For me it is my significant other, the one I shared this journey with. I realized (fully realized, that is very imporant) that she was my complete whole at that moment and WE MERGED. I wasn't aware of it immediately until she started finishing my sentences, like she became my shadow, my other half. And we both came to the realizations and finished the theory I had synchronisly. It was amazing. It was validity. It was the most awesome experience I have ever had. And it scared the shit out of me. We were merging, becoming one, and looking into each others eyes, reveling at understanding the universe, how it works, and how beautiful it was. And all of the sudden I WAS HER LOOKING AT ME. It was an experience like none other. I FELT HER FEELINGS, THOUGHT HER THOUGHTS. I never knew love until then, because I was feeling her love for me. My conscious/subconscious split between the 2 of us and she became my other half.
From this experience I came to realize what the ego was, it is basically a defense mechanism that is built up thru a life time of experiences. And I had just lost all my defenses in one moment. My ego was definitely still there but shattered and in pieces all over the room, parts of it fluttering into consciousness (this is what really fucked me up, because it was like instant FEAR). At this point my gf (or me) looked at myself and said, 'You've really done it this time, you really fucked things up!' I realized what I meant, I had gone too deep without being mentally prepared. I had started this trip as fun trip and it went somehwere else! I started panicing and asking questions very rapidly and my gf, playing the part of my subconscious, answered very matter of fact like and very seriously.
At this point I had another revelation, I was showing myself how consciousness worked! It is also a matter duality. A constant give and take or play between the voices in your head. Usually the conscious asking and the unconscious responding. This constant interaction happens without our awareness, and as it filters up to our conscioussness it forms the reality we experience. One could say this is ego/id stuff but it seems much more then that. An important thing to note is while having this revelation on the couch at some point I quit identifying myself as 'I', but more inclusive as 'we', meaning we everything.
Needless to say I was feeling every emotion that existed, amazement, shock, surprise, and mainly FEAR. My ego tried desparately to hold on, it was like slipping down a steep gradient that was as smooth as ice, nothing for it to grasp to. And then time stopped. And I realized that figuring out what I had put me in another dimension. I was no longer tripping, had never felt the way I did in my entire life. It was beyond what any psychedelic could do. It was beyond a physical feeling. I was the universe and myself at the same time. And scared shitless.
I KNEW that what I was experiencing was no longer the drug, but the drug took me to that place (I also know that one can reach that place without drugs, but that is another story.. or is it?) I went into our bedroom and mentally shut the doors (I was doing a lot of things at this point without touching things) and I heard my mind snap. It was like something winding down with a high pitch. I heard all these sounds. The next thing I knew I was being pulled thru history, all this imagery flashing before me, some of it my life, some of it others around me, some from way back in time, perhaps some from the future. Many things I remember seeing and others I just recognized. All these things pointed to the fact that the universe was one big hint leading up to this moment. I had reached the penultimate moment in my existance.
I want to point out at this time that time quit functioning for me. At a mere whim time would move backwards and forwards, but with the moment always moving forwards. I realized that linear time and the moments we experience are separate. We exist in the NOW but the NOW doesn't always follow time. For most everyone it does, very snugly fit into time, so we understand the universe and existance in a linear fashion. I would walk up to my gf, then reverse time and duplicate the experience in reverse, then go forward again. I did this for what seemed like a half hour or so (I know the contradiction of experiencing time/no time in a linear fashion, how would you explain it? ).
Back to the bedroom, after seeing all this imagery I realized that I had a choice, to stay in this state of existance or return to the shared objective reality. And I also realized that I might not be god, just trapped in my own insane mind, then I thought (and this one is a thinker) what is the difference? Same outcome! But then I had the weight of being aware of all interactions within the universe thrown onto my delicate human psyche. It was UNBEARABLE. I was having to do every calculation, move every atom, perform the functions of all the 'laws of physics', acting as every concious being, constantly doing more and more and more and more and more and more (ad infinitem). And the worst of it was, as I was everything, none of it would ever distract me. A part of being god is being aware of eternal existance, and being bored with existance, but fear of not existing keeps me from ending the experiment. I am both exausted and doing everything and at the same time I can never have enough to do to occupy my consciousness. That is the problem with being everything. Wanting to experience the only thing I can't experience, and that is not existing. But the only thing you really fear. I know it is a face of being god because being everything means that. Everything.. even the parts you don't like.
Then I became aware that the drug was still effecting me, and I was aware that I wasn't ready for what I had experienced. I also knew that because I wasn't ready for this experience, it would be easy to let go of that form of conscioussness, but not until the drug had passed. It is important to note that for most of this experience I could not feel my body in the normal sense. Like I said time seemed to be paused and the body acts purely in a physical plane. I made a tremendous effort to get things moving again (reality had lost momentum or inertia because of my extreme focus on the moment) and it was almost painful. Like I could feel my body wake up from the pause, slowly coming back, and I had to go pee. For what seemed like hours I would go into the bathroom, do my thing and walk out, at this point we were in the computer room. I was in there and she was in her bathroom, but we were in the computer room. I would go pee, and in doing so she would go into the computer room. Then I would go back into the computer room and she would go pee, we would pass each other and it was all very mechanical. After doing this for a long time I realized that it wasn't doing anything, I was just making it happen that way to appease the parts of my ego still trying to hold on!
Time kept passing and at one point I was molding the world like clay. My gf and I did some amazing things. All of the sudden I wanted to make love to her. We went into the bedroom and I ripped her clothes off like they were putty. It was amazing, like ripping water (if that was possible). She kept morphing into other visions of her. We walked around naked for a good hour (felt great). I almost went to the hot tub in our apt complex naked!!!
At one point I decided that the fun of life was finding yourself in others, and I wanted to find my gf, which was me in another way, in the rest of the world. So we got dressed and went for a drive.
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I said to my gf, lets go to Las Vegas! It symbolized the end of my journey as I have never been, largly in part of the fact I am afraid I would enjoy gambling too much. As we were in the car I directed her to a strip club. It was like 2 or 3 in the morning so of course they weren't open. She realized where I was driving her and she got a bit upset about it (understandedly). Later I explained (it was difficult!) that I was looking for her in others, and I wanted all of us (multiple hers + mes) to enjoy a group experience together! LOL! This is not like me, but it is definitely a part of me (as I learned). That has to do with shadow work and accepting the parts of myself that make me strong but which I try not to acknowledge, the dark side of myself.
It happened to be an extremely foggy night and I had no idea where we were because of it. I knew where we were at the same time. The world kept changing and road blocks would appear out of no where. And the freaky thing was there was NOBODY on the roads. Where I live even at 3 in the morning there is a good amount of traffic at least on the freeway. I decided I wanted to look around at other vessels with spirits in them (how I saw life at the time) and poof! People started showing up on the roads. Ultimately we drove for a few hours and started coming down off the drugs around 4 in the morning. At which point I had my gf stop in the middle of nowhere where I took a piss, came back in the car and said 'We can go home now, I'm back to normal. I am no longer insane.'
I realized during that night that when I return to normal everything I did while god happened but would be interpreted in the object reality according to the accepted laws that limit reality. In other words everything would be seen in a twisted form of how I experienced it to make it seem real. There were a few things that night I did I was not proud of. In my context they were fine but I realized in an objective context to make them fit they were not so. The clothes of my gf however remained destroyed (mainly her fav bra!) . We came home and I explained a lot of what I experienced, apologized for how things 'seemed' in her universe, and we went to bed. She is the greatest! Anyone who can stay with you thru that and still loves you is the real deal!
Well that about sums it up. For a week or so I was very scared that I would pop into a god state. As I had awareness of it existing and I seemed to flutter in and out of that conscioussness, especially when smoking weed. Weed acted 100x stronger on me for like a week because of that. After a while I quit fluttering in and out of god like state as I tried hard to focus on the life I had lived up until that point. It is my focus in this reality that keeps me anchored here. And once I lost that anchor, it was VERY hard to build a new anchor. I managed to do so as I did not want to give up my life yet, I wanted to not know what was happening next, I wanted to not know how things were going to turn out. And I wanted to not have control over it. So I CHOSE to come back.
Peace and Blessed Journeys!
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