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This Is Who I Am
Amphetamines (Adderall)
by T Johnson
Citation:   T Johnson. "This Is Who I Am: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp27475)". Erowid.org. Apr 30, 2006. erowid.org/exp/27475

 
DOSE:
  oral Amphetamines (daily)

BODY WEIGHT: 105 lb


Alright heres the history of my life on Adderall.

When I was in 5th grade I was first diagnosed with ADD, or ADHD, I can't remember whitch, but Now I know Im ADHD. Ok so Anyway, back then I was prescribed a 10mg ritalin pill(I think that was it), and used that for about a couple of weeks. During that time, all I can really remember was throwing fits later in night, screaming and yelling in anger at night, But I seemed to be fairly good in school. My parents quickly took me off it and switched me to Adderall.

I must say, my fith and six grade years were probably the most infuential years on my life. They were the years I was diagnoised as ADHD, prescribed Glasses, my step brothers parents moved in with us around the end of 5th grade, my dad got laid off around the fall of sixth grade, and my parents got a divorce weeks after he lost his job.

Ok so anyways... after I switched to Adderall my life seemed to make a huge change. Before hand I was a troublemaker, and someone with constantly lowering grades, at the time I was taking 15 mg of adderall(10mg in the morning 5mg at lunch[except on weekends]), and weighed roughly 70 lbs. After that my grades became supurb, I actually for the first time in my life scored 100% in my english class, where I would usually see C's and D's. However my social life practicly plummeted, my friends that I hung out with at the time all turned against me, dissing me constantly, and I went from being really cool to one of the losers of school. I also stopped eating almost completly and my wieght dropped significantly by 10-20 lbs.

When I swichted to middle school for 6th grade things were begining to look more on the bright side, and I had gained back a few of my friends, but there still were grudges held against each other, I was even begining to make friends with people who I used to dislike a great deal, but I still was considered that really wierd, or outcast kind of a person.

Sometime during the middle of the sixth grade I forgot to take my Adderall and enjoyed the sensation of eating one of the school burritos so much, that I afterwards I told my parents that I no longer want to take my medication anymore, and I completly stopped taking Adderall at the time. I can't remember much else of my sixth grade year.

At the end of Sixth grade me and my dad moved from texas to california to live with his mother while he tried to get another job. At the begining of the year, for the first two or three days I used adderall, but for reasons I can't recall I stopped. On the thursday of my first week in the school in california, I did a bunch of stupid things in front of people, acting all stupid, bending in wierd ways and of the such, and I heard someone call me a freak. I refused to go back to the school, in tears and wanting to return to texas instead of going to school their. Needless to say that never happened.

Ok but other then the first few days(Monday Tuesday and Wensday) of that year I didn't take any adderall, I was flunking out of most of my class due to almost purely homework problems(I aced the tests oddly enough). Acting stupid still with my friends, pretending to be zombies from Resident Evil and the such, making fun of people, stuff I regret nowadays.

During the final two months I decided that I should be back on Adderall since It was true that I was failing all my classes, but I refused to take at the school so instead of 10mg then 5mg(lunch) I was put on 20mg in the morning. I think around this time I began to really hate people who were retarded looking at them as the scum of the earth sucking up tax money to cheat the system and refused any special care that the school was offering me for being ADHD. After I was put back on medication and raised most of my grades to the highest points I could at the point, which luckily was a passing point. I also recieved high praise from my teachers from going from a failure to prosperous student, one even said that it was possible due to god. We never told school that I was taking medication, I was too ashamed to.

During eigth grade I realized how mean the people who I hung out with were, and stopped hanging out with them, instead going to the library during lunch and break and typing up a fanfiction for the game Everquest, every day. During the middle of the school year I said to my docter that its effects were wearing off before school ended, and since I would not take one during school they upped my dosage to 30mg in the morning. After that I can't remember much, but I do remember it working and lasting a little bit moreso. I still had no good friends, and still was a fair bit underwieght(I was around 5'1' and 80-90 lbs).

Around the end of eighth grade I though a girl was looking at me during my last period, and for whatever reason(I blame Adderall now) I fell completly in love with her fantasizing about holding her and... well, before I relive the moments that I would rather not, I became completly obsessed about her always thinking about clever ways to ask her out. And ALWAYS staring at her without EVER making eye contact, it took a few weeks but slowly she moved from the desk next to me(there was no seating chart) to the completly opposite corner. I finnaly asked her to dance at the eith grade prom dance, and she refused, My ego was hurt a great deal back then.

During the summer between eighth and ninth grade my doctor told me about the Time release Adderall XR. I gladly accepted it and started taking it, and whenever I had an extra event afterschool, I would simply take a 10mg adderall. Which would be every tuesday for band practice.

I feel the need to mention this; During Eigth grade I became very psychologically addicted to Adderall afraid to go anywhere in public without it being in my system for fear of embarresing myself, which I seemingly always did when I was off.

During my freshmen(9th) year I opened up very little during the first half of the year, I was in band and wrestling(I quite wreslting midseason since I was afraid I would cry[it went from 3-6 and at the time I didnt realize it was withdraw systems of adderall] while in practice), but I was still very withdrawn, only talking to people that approached me first, and wieghed 103 lbs. Every now and then throughout this year, I would try to contact the girl from 8th grade, pretty much stalking, during the end of the year I finnaly stopped realizing that what I was doing was making her suffer, since then I've avoided her(and I think her the same) at every chance I've gotten.

During a wrestling match before I quite someone broke my glasses, while I was wrestling, and over the winter I switched to contact(after about a week of being completly blind). After that I became a little less withdrawn. At the begining my freshmen year I started taking the 30mg XR Adderall on weekends too.

I have to say, during the second half of my freshmen year were probably the most independant of my years, and respectable. I walked with a strait back everywhere, woke up at 6:30 am ever morning followed by a shower then, and a shower at 7:00 pm every day, followed by intense stretching and doing over 100 wall ups a night, and writing in a journal. However I was a clean freak, organized shoes, tidy desktop, everything in its certain place, I once punched my dad for moving my CD out of my CD player, I had warned him not to touch anything of mine though. After that he took my CD and thrashed my room in anger, and my structured independance fell apart.

Im going to speed things up here, for I am begining to want to cry for the return of that period of my life, and simply jump to where I am right now.

Im am currently a junior(I also have Blue hair), I am still taking the 30mg XR, and have managed to overcome many of the social difficulties, but still I havent had a girlfriend to date.

Recently I was caught selling Adderall on campus and have recieved a suspended expulsion, meaning I can't screw up, and will be drug tested(which means no more munchie boosts to keep my weight normal. I wiegh about 120 lbs and am 5'7' roughly.

However for three days after a five day suspension(as part of the suspended expulsion) I took some of my many spare XR pills, and started to take 30mg in the morning and 30mg in the afternoon. This affected my sleep a great deal, and I took anti-histamines to get me to sleep, but they didnt help too much. The first few days were great, I got so much work done and actually got caught up in my hardest class(AP Physics B), but During the final day I found my mentality to be very unstable, I don't know wether or not it was the Adderall or lack of sleep but I was afraid to take my pill that morning( i did anyways). But I really didnt know what was going to happen and was afraid I might try and do something completly insane. I think I depleted my dopamines or whatever the Adderall can deplete. But although Adderall works still, every now and then, such as now, I get the same feeling, of a solid and off agrrivation like I can't stop concentrating on a single things. I might try taking some 'drug holidays' but I need to get caught up with physics again and thus can't do so.

But after these many years on adderall, I have come up with a major problem, I no longer know who I am, i feel like split personality, Adderall me, and me. And I can't choose between the two.

But now I sit typing in my room, wondering if I should switch medications, or stop completly, or what to do. But for now, I'm going to stop taking it on weekends unless I really have to.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 27475
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Apr 30, 2006Views: 15,261
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Amphetamines (6) : Various (28), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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