Citation: Astronaut. "A Mind Is a Wonderful Thing to Lose: An Experience with DXM (exp27333)". Erowid.org. Oct 28, 2006. erowid.org/exp/27333
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Holy sweet Jesus do I feel awesome after last night. I feel like a whole person. I feel for the first time as if I am truly conscious. I no longer have that 'Is this all there is to life?' feeling of doom hanging over my head, for I have reached the fourth plateau last night and had a full blown trip. Suddenly everything is clear to me, I now understand my place in the world and the universe and what I must do to become a better person, inside and out.
I have been interested in trying LSD for years, after reading a lot about it online (and after going through the works of Leary many times). However, it seems to be non-existent in my area. I wanted to explore myself with psychedelics, I wanted to grasp a better understanding of myself. But there were no psychedelics to be found. Nobody has any no matter how much I looked. I could score heroin (eww) with no problems, but God help you if you wanted to have the 60's experience.
After coming down with the cold from hell last week I found myself in my local supermarket's pharmacy staring at a very long isle of cold and flu medications. I don't know why, but a little flash of memory went off in my head and I remembered what I read about DXM. Now, prior to this I had absolutely no interest in doing any harder drugs. I knew alcohol rather well (revolting), I smoked pot rarely (awesome), and that's it. Other than experimenting with LSD someday the thought of doing anything harder sickened and scared me. I've seen too many people messed up on that stuff. Keep me away from it.
I was looking at the cough medicines and started looking at the boxes for the drug name that I hoped would sound familiar. I picked up the Robitussin and saw 'Dextromethophan HBr, USP'. Hmm.... that sounds about right. Of course, I'm not the type that buys name brands. Give me the store brand, all you get extra with the name brands is advertising. So I picked up a bottle of the cheap knockoff and bought that.
I was very nervous about the prospect of taking this for obvious reasons. I wasn't helped by the fact that my bottle had 100mg/5mL of Guaifensin, which reportedly caused projectile vomiting in high doses. From my experiences with alcohol I very well know what vomiting feels like, and I wanted to avoid that. Due to this I drank half the bottle and waited.
I began playing Super Metroid 3 to pass the time until it kicks in. Metroid 3 is an awesome game to play when you're on anything, and has been a favorite of mine to play while stoned. After about 45 minutes I didn't feel anything and wondered if I took enough for it to affect me. So I downed the rest of the bottle, and had a cig.
While smoking I felt... different. I wasn't messed up, I wasn't really on anything, I just felt different. Things looked different, things felt different. It wasn't a good different, it wasn't a bad different, it just simply was. As I went inside and continued to play Metroid things got more different. I wasn't really high, things just got different for awhile and after a few hours I came down, no big deal.
I will note that I had a very upset stomach from the experience. It wasn't enough to make me vomit, but it was enough for me to feel sick. I wrote it off as that Gal stuff, and not the actual DXM.
I felt that was a total letdown the next day. All those wonderful trip reports and all I did was feel different? The hell is this, this isn't a good drug. It's a stupid little something to pass time when you're bored! Give me a fat joint, at least that's interesting.
Yesterday found me shopping for groceries. I was looking for my shampoo in the health department when I realized I was standing right in front of the cough syrups again. After a very quick mental debate I decided to go for it. I looked at the Robitussin bottles and found exactly what I was looking for - Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough, all DXM and none of that extra crap that makes me feel gross. I grabbed three 118mL bottles and tossed it in my cart. It was my intention to drink one bottle that night and have two extra bottles for later. When I went through the check out line the girl looked at me oddly. I explained that with an office full of sick people and a girlfriend who's under the weather I just decided to stock up. 'Whatever floats your boat, man', she said.
And with that I was on my way home, and on my way to the mental vacation of a lifetime.
After putting away the groceries I popped a hamburger pizza in the oven and got online. I was looking for something to kill twenty minutes while the pizza cooked and I hit overclocked remix. I downloaded a MegaMan 2 remix.
I take special note of this song because it is very important to this trip report.
Opened the box, tossed away that stupid little cup, ripped off the protective plastic, and opened that bottle up. I was ready to understand what DXM was about, I had a totally open mind. Bottoms up, down in three large gulps. Tasted like crap, but a lot less harsh than vodka. Followed it up with a Dr Pepper chaser, and continued reading. Took the pizza out of the oven, got two slices for myself.
Okay, the flow of what all went on is a bit broken above so I'll restate what happened in linear time. I'm very much into the flow of writing this so things tend to get a bit jumbled, please forgive me. Tossed pizza in the oven, got online, began downloading that song, chugged the robo, hit a website, and after 20 minutes I got the pizza out of the oven. So by the time I began eating I could just barely feel the effects of the DXM kicking in, increasing as I continued eating.
As I was eating I found it increasingly more difficult to finish the first slice of pizza. I don't know what it was exactly what started to feel so revolting about it. Maybe it was the texture of the food and the meat on it, maybe it was the grease, I don't know. But I finally forced myself to down the slice, leaving me one more. By now I could feel the DXM really kicking in, I was a little higher than I was the first time I took it.
Suddenly I had the most intense urge to play Metroid 3. Man, I love that game to death nearly ten years after it was released. Like I said, it is the absolute bomb to play while messed up. So I got offline, loaded ZSNES, and started yet another game from the beginning. I played for a good half hour to forty-five minutes and decided to go for a cigarette.
When I stood up from my computer chair my legs wouldn't work. Well, they would but my body was like... gone. The physics of the world felt totally different, suddenly I was light as a feather and made of Styrofoam. Surprised at this sudden change (I swear I was on the first plateau when I was sitting), I said 'Damn, I'm fucked up!' I managed to get outside and light my cigarette.
As I paced around I was amazed at how the world felt. It was like the entire world was made up of scenes from photographs. As an artist I would describe it as having the right side of your brain turned on full force. There was no linear space, there was only figures, shapes, and forms comprising the world into a series of scenes that one would interact with. All the while I felt as if some invisible force was gently pulling me upwards. I wasn't floating, I was being pulled. I wasn't light, I was being lifted.
Please forgive me, but that really is the best way I can describe it. Explaining alternative modes of consciousness with mere words is extremely difficult. Words are limiting, as there are many things in and outside of this world for which there are no words.
Either way, what I was experiencing was the second plateau.
I returned to my room and sat down to continue playing my game. I looked at the pizza, deciding if I should finish the second slice. The thought revolted me. I mean, consume the flesh of another creature? How barbaric! I shoved the plate to the side, out of view. Didn't want to think about it. Putting the carcass of another living creature into my own body? That's so wrong. Disgusting.
I played the game for probably another twenty minutes. I'm not for sure on the actual time as it was around this time that linear time began to lose it's meaning. Finally I got tired of the game and turned it off to go for a cigarette. All the while I was feeling more spiritual, more empathetic to everything. And I mean everything - my dog, that tree, the floor, the walls, the grass, the air, everything. For I stopped being a singular creature and began to become one with all of existence. Things just started being. I was a part of the greater whole, just another part of this massive sea of energy we call the earth and existence.
When I returned I loaded Winamp and played Dr. Wiley's Wedding. I just sat there in my chair for what seemed like ages, listening to the most beautiful piano and flute music coming out of my speakers. It was simply the most intense song I have ever heard in my life. It was godlike, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I am not a religious man, but I do believe in a higher power. Somewhere, somehow, there is a force out there that I can only describe as a higher power. I have seen too much to believe otherwise. And that song was the most mind shattering representation of that higher power I have ever seen. So serene, so loving... it wrapped itself around my being like a blanket and I could feel myself opening up in ways I never knew I existed. I felt the energy of the world pouring into my head and through seven points in my body. For the briefest moment I understood Nirvana.
People experienced in metaphysics will understand all the implications of what I have just written. However, I choose not to go into it, for I do not want this trip report to turn into some hippie tree hugging love fest or whatnot. I will simply give my experiences of the night before and leave it at that.
Might I also note that sometime between me deciding not to finish my pizza and the Zen like state I drank the second bottle. I downed half of it, thinking that while this high was nice I wasn't feeling it enough. (My mistake, it was still entering my system). As I got higher and higher into the second plateau I finished off another 1/4 bottle... and then the rest. At the Zen like state I was experiencing the extreme upper limits of the second plateau, moving into the third. I wish I could give exact times on dosages, but as I said before linear time had no meaning after a certain point.
So I put Dr. Wiley's Wedding on an infinite loop and got online. I browsed some site. Went for another cigarette and I hit the third plateau full force. I was experiencing the same trip I wanted to find via LSD. To continue documenting my nice little mental vacation I feel it necessary to explain what a trip is like, for those who don't know and are curious.
I feel like I am totally sober. I can not state this enough, I feel like I am 100% sober in every way, shape, and form. But your mind's gone. Bye bye, so long, the doctor is out, Elvis has left the building. The border between the real and the unreal are simply totally and completely -GONE-. Suddenly the grandest concepts become common knowledge. It's like my brain is directly connected to God himself and Ií, downloading the greatest secrets and truths about the universe, life, and reality. But Iím totally sober. Suddenly I am one with everything, I understand the grand order of things and my small part of it.
To illustrate this, when I was talking to a friend over IMs later I was going on about how surreal it is that we humans can communicate thought using speech and written language. That it is simply amazing that we can communicate the experiences of our different consciousnesses with each other even though we still have a mental wall blocking the direct sharing of pure thought with one and another. I found this to be absolutely enthralling until I moved on to the realization that modern religion is the direct result of our ancestors 7,000 years ago growing and using psychedelic plants to understand their greater place in the universe.
I understood that religion as we know it - Christianity, Islam, and so forth is but a knockoff (descendant?) of the original religions of which we now have little record of. Thus you have these religions which look in the right general direction but is bastardized by mankind's want for power over his brothers. While you still have many religions that emphasize the search and understanding of Nirvana through various means, in the end the search for a greater meaning can be reached in daily life only through rigorous self-improvement.
That is what a trip is like. Needless to say, I was having a lot of fun.
During this trip I remembered ex vice president Dan Quayle's famous quote - 'A mind is a terrible thing to lose', mucking up the anti-drug line 'A mind is a terrible thing to waste'. I loved it! But no, a mind is not a terrible thing to lose. Indeed, a mind is a wonderful thing to lose!
For several hours I just sat online talking to friends who would be friendly to the fact I was tripping while listening to Wiley's Wedding looped over and over. I never felt such empathy for the world as I did that night, everything was one and I respected everything as having it's own place in existence, it's own place in meaning.
Also I would like to note yet again the fact that time lost it's meaning. There is no other way to describe it - a minute of real time felt like hours. I'd do ten thousand different things only to see that two minutes have passed.
Now, I'm a smoker. I have roughly one cigarette every forty-five minutes. I bought a pack at about 4:30 that afternoon. By 9:30 I had two left, and I thought that I had one about once an hour. That is how slowly linear time passed in my relative viewpoint.
But time did pass, and I began coming down. The trip lasted long into the coming down phase, but by 11:30 it was but a wonderful memory.
I missed the trip, and decided to drink the 3rd bottle. Redose, reload, retrip. Down in three large gulps, just like the first bottle. As I sat there mucking around online I reached the point where I was basically sober, only with that 'coming down' hangover thing going on. I was impatiently waiting for the DMX to hit me again. I wanted to hit the 3rd plateau, I wanted to stay there for as long as possible. It was just wonderful, so wonderful.
Finally, I felt the buzz kicking in again. Woot. Waited for at least twenty minutes for it to kick in full force but it wouldn't. I figured that was about all I was going to experience so I turned off the lights and went to bed. Left my monitor on, which is in my bedroom. Thus the room was dark but not totally blacked out. Curled up nice and snug in my sheets and thought to myself 'Yeah, I'll barely hit the second plateau with this and that will be that.'
I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. Sure enough, I hit the second plateau. Then I hit the high levels of the second plateau and walked casually into the third, tripping again. At this point I didn't care about how high I got, I just enjoyed listening to my computer playing it's full playlist while staring at a wall scroll on the wall, relaxing. And I kept tripping harder and harder, and the next thing I knew I was having a full blown visual trip. I hit the fourth plateau.
It was phenomenal, simply phenomenal. There are no words, I was simply floating in an endless ether of senses and experiences. I'd surrender to the visuals and they would melt around, bubble up, envelop my spirit, and flash around in a kaleidoscope of pure color. When I tried to control it the visuals stopped. When I tried to force it to come harder they stopped. All I could do is lay there and surrender to them. That's all I really can say - all I did was lay there, listen to music, and surrender my existence. There was no fear, when I saw something I didn't want to get into I just denied it and moved on. Just floated around in the sea of existence, enjoying Nirvana. That's all there is to say.
I found Nirvana in a bottle of cough syrup and a video game music remix. Beat that.
This lasted for about twenty minutes of real time. I don't know how long it lasted in perceived time, for I simply 'was'. But soon they slowed down, faded away, and stopped. I was disappointed at this, but okay with it. Things were. That was. I surrendered to sleep.
I woke up with a hangover. It wasn't nearly as bad of a hangover as what I've had a few times with alcohol, but it was enough to let me know that I had a fun time last night from the very second you regained consciousness. And unlike an alcohol hangover, I didn't have any regrets about the previous night. Usually when I wake up with an alcohol hangover I think to myself 'Man, that was really fuckin' stupid, getting drunk last night.' I didn't have any such thoughts this morning. I knew that my body was recovering from an intense spiritual trip the night before and I was fine with it.
While having my morning cigarette the dog next door was barking as usual. I was fine with it. I was hungover. I was fine with it. I was hungry. I was fine with it. Nothing was a big deal anymore. I felt peaceful, because I understand. That's the only way to describe it. I understand. I can go on for hours, but those two words sums it up perfectly. I understand my place in the universe, I understand life, I understand death, I understand.
In the past twelve hours that I've been awake it's like I'm finding myself in an entirely different existence. When I look around me I feel the vibrancy of every color, of every form. It seems like before last night I was seeing everything in black and white. Before I always had this feeling of 'is this all there is to life?' A perpetual cloud of doom and uncertainty of my very existence hung over my head. Not anymore, I now understand my place within it all. I feel so much more empathy. I've been laughing, enjoying each sensation and emotion as if I never felt it before.
I needed to have my cage rattled a bit. Shake the dust off those neurons. Make myself conscious for the first time in my life. Give meaning and worth to my life.
I feel alive.
I am not afraid anymore.
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