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Trapped in Memory
by xxl
Citation:   xxl. "Trapped in Memory: An Experience with Gasoline (exp27220)". Jul 3, 2005.

  inhaled Inhalants (gas)
[Erowid Note: Our understanding of the literature is that there is no such thing as safe recreational use of volatile solvents, aerosols and other street inhalants : their psychoactive effects are inseparable from nerve and organ damage. We have chosen to include these reports to help document the real world use of inhalants, but their inclusion is not intended to imply that they are anything but dangerous.]

A few days ago I saw the movie 'Love Liza' and the main char was all depressed and shit and started huffing gasoline. So I said 'what the hell?' and poured a little onto a rag and took a few deep breaths of it. It gave me a weird sorta dizzy feeling and everything around got very clear and defined and it looked sorta like how things look on DXM. So I walked to my room and laid down on my bed, and then took another deep breath and sat up. As I sat up, it was like my eyes stopped working and my brain got stuck on the image of me sitting up, and that was all I could see. Just over and over, the rising up motion. This scared the shit out of me. I thought that basically I had already lived out my life and become some sort of deity and had absolute control of the universe. Bad thing about that is, being all powerful means you can trap yourself into an endless loop of one memory just by thinking it. So Iím freaking out, and I can't see, and I stand up and then.... my door opens and I see my mother. My vision is stuck on a still image of my mother and Iím freaking out saying I can't see and I don't know who I am. Anyway long story short, I get talked to about the dangers of drugs and how Iím a bad person and I tell them they're wrong and I go to bed. It was the worst trip of my life. I don't really even care about getting caught; I was just glad that I WASN'T really trapped in an endless cycle of old memories.

I did it again a couple days later, not because I really wanted to, but because I wanted to try to conquer my fear of that cycle. It didn't work. the whole time consisted of that awful experience over and over. I found ways to stop it once it started, like closing my eyes or making random sounds to assure myself I was in the here and now, but the high (if you can call it that) has long worn off and I still find myself fearful of being trapped like that again. every time I do something repetitive my heart starts to race and I sweat and get really tense and fearful and start doing something else to remind myself Iím in the present. It's fuckin awful and it's made me reluctant to even dex anymore. Every bad experience w/ drugs Iíve ever had has been from getting the thought that the drug had taken over or that I no longer had control over myself. Iíve had to remind myself all day that I have control of my brain. Aside from the bad trip, the 'high' wasn't even that enjoyable. just distorted vision, sound, and touch. Even though I'm not prone to losing control, Iíd never use gasoline for purposes other than powering a car.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 27220
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 3, 2005Views: 11,781
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Inhalants (29) : Alone (16), Bad Trips (6), General (1)

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