Citation: Cat. "A Terrifying Enlightenment Experience: An Experience with LSD (exp26645)". Erowid.org. Sep 7, 2003. erowid.org/exp/26645
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I was an experienced LSD user by the time I tried some acid called 'Alice in Wonderland'. I had recently given up Christianity and thought myself to be on the way to enlightenment. I used LSD as recreation, but mostly I used it in the pursuit of spiritual truth.
My dealer came by with some acid he called 'weak'. He said he was currently tripping on six hits. He certainly seemed to be in control of himself, so I thought I might not even trip much on one hit. Thankfully, I only took one. It turns out that my dealer usually had to take 6 hits just to get to a threshold experience, because he liked to go 'way out there', frequently.
My husband and I took a hit each, early in the evening, on an empty stomach. After the initial 45 minute wait, I already realized that this acid was different. My husband seemed to be doing fine all evening, but I was engaged in a personal struggle. I felt a cold emptiness spreading through my body. I felt that my body wasn't solid anymore, my body and the room it was in were just an illusion. There was no comfort to be had in touching objects, because everything was composed of energy, energy that existed in a void of emptiness.
I felt a cold panic as I gazed at my husband. A thought formed in my mind of how much my husband resembled me in every way. Suddenly I realized that he was me, there was no separation. We were pretending to be individuals, but in reality there was only one presence. Then I realized that I am god and I am the only being in existence, a being who is alone and will always be alone. Though I divided myself into billions of pieces, in reality I am the only being that exists. I felt then, the most horrible void... a cold, sharp feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if a black hole was centered there and the universe was being sucked into it.
I was so lonely, tears were pouring down my face. My husband tried to comfort me but I told him that he was an illusion, he was just a part of me and not the individual I had thought him to be. Suddenly my thoughts turned to the world at large. In my mind I saw a giant wheel, and all manner of beings were lined up on the wheel. The wheel kept turning, and the beings on the wheel experienced life and death over and over again. They kept coming back, after death, to experience the wheel again, there was no escape. This was life for all beings, a ceaseless turning of a giant wheel, with no way out.
I wished for some way to end my misery, but I knew that even death would not save me because I am eternal and I would just be wasting a perfectly good body. At this point, when I saw no way out, I decided that I wanted the illusion back. I realized that enlightenment was the last thing I wanted! I wanted to be unaware of who I am, because I wasn't ready to be god. I wanted more than anything to be an ignorant human!
The night passed slowly, and finally we came down. We had quite a hangover.We were dehydrated, with headaches and photosensitivity. I said I never wanted to do acid again. We walked down the street to eat at a pizza buffet so that the heavy food would help us to sleep. Of course I didn't stop doing acid. I did learn not to think about my existence too much while tripping, and if I did examine my existence then I would do it in a positive way.
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