Citation: Mojo. "Confessions of a Cocaine Connoisseur: An Experience with Cocaine (exp26166)". Erowid.org. Aug 18, 2003. erowid.org/exp/26166
||(powder / crystals)
Ah Cocaine... Is there anything on Earth that does me like you do?
I am a 21 year old cocaine user. I began using drugs at the age of 14 during my search for truth. I had studied philosophy extensively, and had found that the so-called 'destructive philosophies' (anarchism, nihilism, destructuralism, etc.) most appealed to me at the time. Drug use fit nicely into my worldview, as using drugs is not the most constructive activity out there. I began smoking marijuana, and was absolutely astounded at the effects that it produced. My normal ponderings took on a character of profundity, I explored avenues of logic that had never occurred to me, in short, cannibis opened my eyes to a whole new world. Basically, the only major drawback to marijuana were the decidedly lethargic symptoms that always afflicted me after a short duration of THC stimulation. Clearly, pot was lacking in its fundamental pharmacology, as far as my preferences go.
Over the course of the next two years, I experimented with LSD, DXM, psilocibin, DMT, mescaline, ketamine, and other sundry substances. The hallucinogens each taught me something about the nature of reality and self-consciousness. Some truths revealed unto me seemed to be the secrets of the universe itself, at the time. But, inevitably, as the drugs lost effect, the mystical character of the 'revelations' wore off as well. Hallucinogens, although VERY interesting substances, simply lacked that glorious sensation of omnipotence which I sought fervently, and was later to know all too well.
I first tried cocaine when I was sixteen. I had attempted to procure some pot or hash, both of which I still smoke occasionally to this day, but was unable to locate any. A friend informed me that while he couldn't get his hands onto any cannabis products, he did have a connection for cheap, reasonably high-quality cocaine. As my inquisitve nature dictated, I jumped in head first with gusto. I had been around cocaine users, and had seen the drug consumed several times before, so I was not apprehensive during the preparation process. The people under the influence of cocaine that I had interacted with in the past universally praised its effects, and I had seen nothing to disabuse myself of that appraisal.
When I finally put the straw to my right nostril and inhaled sharply, I was very surprised to find that the burning sensation of cocaine HCL was nowhere near as intense as that produced by, for example, ketamine. I also found that I rather enjoyed the bitter, acid flavor of cocaine. What really took me by surprise were the effects. I had finally found the ideal drug. My thinking was rapid, yet lucid. The profundity of thought that I had so enjoyed with pot was present, but amplified immeasurably. The best part was the feeling of being all-powerful, and completely uninhibited. With my mental abilities running in high gear, I felt competent to converse at length on any subject, with anyone. In short, I felt like a God.
In the five years since that fateful evening, I have evolved into a semi-regular user of cocaine. I went through a period of intensified usage that began shortly after being introduced to cocaine, and lasted about a year. I was transgressing my personal values in order to acquire cocaine. In simpler terms, I was robbing houses, ripping people off, and doing other things that I never would have dreamt of doing otherwise. I also began selling cocaine. At the height of this period, I was using approximately 2-3 grams a day. Fortunately, I recognized the inherent destructiveness in this course of action before I got into serious trouble. It appears that those long hours of philosophical study were not all for naught. I quit using cocaine altogether, and after those trying times were a distant memory, I became convinced that I could control my intake of cocaine, and with some serious reflection and soul searching, I have found that indeed I can. But my experience is not typical.
These days, four years after I initially quit using cocaine, I only use cocaine to boost my motivation during particularly difficult academic trials, or physical labor. I no longer use cocaine simply to enjoy its effects. I feel truly blessed to possess the degree of self-control which I do. I believe that it has been my disgust with regards to my personal recreational cocaine use which prevented me from becoming addicted. Presently, I use cocaine much as others use caffine, and I intend to keep it that way. My total monthly expenditure on cocaine is less than $20 US. I have been engaged in this pattern of use for roughly two years, and feel confident about my ability to limit myself.
Many of my friends use cocaine, with varying results. There are those who are in much the same situation as I, cocaine users who manage to maintain a semblance of normality. On the other hand, some have become extremely addicted to crack, which I have tried only once, and will never try again. After seeing firsthand the ravages of crack addiction, I am strongly biased against this substance. To be perfectly frank, cocaine is NOT a benevolent substance. It seems that my experience is the exception rather than the rule. I don't think that cocaine should be prohibited outright, but I do feel that were it to be legalized, stringent measures would have to be implemented to prevent major abuse.
All in all, I feel that cocaine use can be both extremely dangerous, and extremely rewarding, for a time anyway. It is that element of uncertainty which should give one pause. You never know if you're going to have an enlightening fling with cocaine, or if it will drag you into the depths of depravity and human misery.
P.S. I'm sure you are wondering why I consistently refer to cocaine as cocaine, not coke, blow, yayo, etc. I do this out of respect for a drug that has the power to both corrupt and instruct. It has taught me many valuable life lessons, whether for better or for worse.
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