Citation: Care Control. "A One-Time Atheist Found God: An Experience with 2C-I (exp25486)". Erowid.org. Jul 22, 2003. erowid.org/exp/25486
This was the most memorable and important experience so far in my life (25 years old).
Mindset & Setting : Curious anticipation and in a relaxed frame of mind. This is effectively my first consciously chosen psychedlic experience however I have had 2-CB before however I was unware that I'd taken 2-CB until subsequent research that proved the two pills I'd purchased believing to be MDMA were actually 16mg 2-CB each. It was this that provoked my interest in these phenethylamines.
It is fundamental to the reading of this report that I stress that prior to this I regarded myself as an atheist and was brought up by my parents as such. I did have a certain spirituality beforehand, I believe I have a soul and that when we die our soul doesn't but I didn't believe in a God or whatever.
Preparation: A night in on my own with 10mg (gelcap) although it was eyeballed so I would estimate that it was potentially closer to 15mg. I must point out that I regard myself as being quite sensitive to all drugs even cigarettes (I smoke ultra lights).
I must stress that I wouldn't recommend eyeballing. A good way to understand why is this; If you look at a 3-d picture of the molecule and realise that effectively that is what the powder is made of you can imagine that many of these shapes will not fit together to form a coherent structure. Some molecules will stick closely to others, some will not. This means that two piles of powder that appear roughly the same can contain wildly varying weights for if one is more compressed than the other it will be more dense and carry more weight. This rather obvious realisation came to me after I had very varied experiences on the substance.
Nicely warmed flat with rainbow psychedlic light and various other warm lighting set in my living room with my hifi gear ready to go. Also took Hydergine FAS 5 mg and Aniracetam 750 mg. Even when sober I find these make me more aware and stimulate the mind.
21:00 10mg gelcap ingested at 9pm sharp on 12 July 2003.
22:00 Feel something but not quite sure what, slightly speedy if anything. Log on to the internet and then log off 4 mins later. Put a CD on then changed it. Quite unsure of what I wish to do at this point so settle for watching TV to distract myself from the rather odd experience of coming up on this material.
22:45 Colours are enhanced and ghosting becomes pronounced (Where you look away from an object and see an imprint of it for a couple of seconds after). Feeling distinctly different to normal and am analysing the way people relate to each other both in personal relationships and on TV. Watched a reality TV programme where 6 subjects are filmed who live in big brother type fashion whilst interacting in a sealed house. This is normally rather dull however I was absolutely captivated by every nuance of conversation, body language, intonation of voice, even very subtle facial expressions. Normally I can take in elements of these but at this point every aspect of group dynamics came together as one giving me a fascinating insight as to how one member of the group is viewed by the group as a whole. I realised that he was not noticing extremely subtle elements of body language, facial expression and vocal tone which betrayed the group opinion of the man, something which I failed to notice before.
11:15 Felt the need to put some music on (Tommy Guerrero) and this is where it started to get interesting. Listened to the music for perhaps half an hour with my eyes closed just appreciating the enhanced auditory effects. Volume was lower on the amp than it usually is however with eyes closed it sounded like the band were in the room with me. At some point I stopped paying attention to the music and paid attention to the euphoria growing slowly within me.
11:45 It was at this point I opened my eyes and found a visual cornucopia. The rainbow effect of one of my lights was glistening on the ceiling. The geometric floral graphics of my sofa were changing shape, bigger, smaller, twisting, turning. I ran to my room and looked in the mirror. Pupils, well guess...! My face morphed into what looked a man from the Aztec era with warpaint on my face although I found I could control the visuals to some extent. I remember I focused on how I felt as a being at the time and I felt as though I'd regressed back to an age when humans were less civilised. I felt distinctly more animal like, much more aware of being alive. My eyes were glowing almost with the realisation that being alive is quite remarkable in itself.
12:00 My original idea was to try and experience and think about as many different things as possible whilst tripping however I put the TV back on and watched live footage of a festival in the UK. Watching bands play the music live was compelling. The experience slowly got stronger and stronger visually, emotionally and audibly. I closed my eyes and thought of an ex-girlfriend who I still have feelings for, not overpowering but I missed her. I opened my eyes and had a feeling that she was in the room watching me out of the corner of my eye at about the nine o'clock position, this was initially quite disconcerting as it wasn't expected. I looked round and felt what seemed like a vague impression of a figure there watching me. I then got used to the idea and reminded myself that I had taken a drug and that she wasn't there I just probably wanted her there at that moment.
Then I looked forward to the TV (My eyes are watering as I write this). This is incredibly difficult to describe but I saw a head (like an apparition, sort of a faint light colour) slightly to the left of the TV although it felt like a vision from within me (hard to describe), the very friendly face of a bald man perhaps 55-65 smiling at me, watching me, he then winked at me. I must say that amongst the euphoria and visuals I still could think coherently and was captivated by this face which periodically kept fading and re-appearing. Now I tried to rationalise this as being the lead singer of REM who is also bald and was on TV at the time however it was a much older man with a comppletely different facial character that I saw to the side of the TV. I have a friend called Robert who is about the same age but again the face was of completely different character. I kept trying to rationalize what was looking at me.
By this time, several minutes later, something happened which will stay with me for the rest of my life. I looked at the TV and listened to the current song. It was REM and reminded me of Christian music if that is the right term and I looked at the face to the left of the TV and suddenly thought, 'God'. The face winked just after I had that thought. My jaw dropped and the face winked again almost as if to re-assure me. All points through the experience had been enjoyable thus far apart from the slightly disconcerting feeling of my ex watching me and now I had very intense emotions all at the same time all stemming from the awe, surprise, humility and well I was going to say terror but I'm not sure if that's the right word. I was completely dumbstruck by this. I then got up and wandered into my bedroom and sat on the bed, my jaw still hanging open and my eyes staring into space for a couple of minutes (I am filling up again, remembering that the emotion at the time was the most intense feeling ever. Although I certainly didn't cry at the time I have cried since but they are tears of pure joy).
I then went back into the living room and picked up my mobile desperately wanting to send a text to my brother to tell him what I'd seen. He was out clubbing at the time, I wandered round the living room still with jaw open and eyes wide. I can't adequately describe the feeling, I'm trying to do the best I can to relay this. Then I sat down and typed a text on my mobile. It read, 'There is a God. God is love. God is everywhere in all things at all times. God and therefore love pervades everything and is everything. I've just found God!', I smiled, positively beaming from ear to ear now still staring at the message then I thought to myself, 'I'm not going to send it, he'll think I've gone nuts'. The next thing blew my mind apart, I was holding the mobile with my left hand when the face appeared in the base of my thumb, I looked at it and he winked again! Almost as if again it was to reassure me.
I sent the text immediately and stood up still holding the mobile and kept saying to myself repeatedly, 'I've found God!' over and over again for perhaps a couple of minutes. I then went back to my bedroom and looked in the mirror and the expression of awe was still etched across my face. Back to the living room, put the mobile back down, I had calmed down a lot by now.
12:45 Although I wan't paying attention to the time due to the enormity of the recent events it must have been just before 12:45 as I put the TV off and the tunes on again and listened to my current favourite track (Bill Withers 'I'm Her Daddy') then popped the TV back on again and the live reality TV show was back on again. I'm not going to go into the rest of what happened in much detail because it really became pretty insignificant in comparison but suffice to say I was back analysing the relationship dynamics of the people on the show, later on when it finished I analysed my previous relationship and came to the conclusion that although I still had feelings for C it wasn't meant to be.
3.45 Experience pretty much over, checked my email and went to bed.
Slept till just before 12.00 and felt slightly different the next day. Difficult to describe, just sort of different I suppose. I think I was still a bit shocked when I woke up although in fairness I tried not to think about it.
It has taken until now (Ten days later) for it really to sink in, the magnitude of what I experienced. I felt blessed then and still do now. I will never be the same again. I feel like the luckiest man alive.
I never ever thought anything like this could ever be possible or happen to me. I never ever thought that I would ever be writing something like this. I feel pretty damn silly writing considering my previous beliefs. I used to hear stories of it happening to others as you do and again it's not that I didn't believe that people had these experiences but I couldn't relate to them as I had no personal experience of it myself.
I now think back about how I used to think about hardcore preachers and think in a new way. These people used to frustrate me, I thought they were deluded in some way. How dare they try and impress their personal beliefs on me, I used to think. I now believe that these people may have had some sort of experience themselves to feel so compelled to 'Spread the word' as it were. I'm having a little chuckle to myself again, I've just said something that I never thought I would. I now believe that these people are so taken with it that they cannot forget or ignore what has happened. I certainly never will. I have shared my experience with people close to me but none of them can even begin to understand so I kind of laugh it off and say it must be the drug. I will not try and force this experience on others or preach it as some used to try and do with me. I have complete respect for anyone who rationalises that they need proof of existence. It's a very logical mode of thought which I myself once had however I sincerely hope that as many people as possible experience what I did for I now have more proof than was needed.
Two other things to mention is that somehow I felt that the ex-girlfriend (feeling her watching me) wasn't related to the drug, for some reason I'm not sure why. Perhaps she was thinking of me, visualising me, seeing me in my living room as she'd seen me beforehand and the drug gave me some faint connection to her thoughts. I somehow also think the finding god experience was accessed by the state I was in and not produced by it as the typical visuals were completely differnent to that particular part of the experience, although I still had those visuals at the same time as the God one they were different.
It feels really good to have poured my experience onto this page, I sincerely hope that it gets published as I'd love to hear from others who have had unusual experiences whilst tripping.
I hope God blesses you all some day especially people that used to think like I did! Boy are you in for a surprise!
Love from Care Control
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