Citation: Sensuous x. "Dabbling in Pain, Paranoia, and Addiction: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp25468)". Erowid.org. Mar 7, 2007. erowid.org/exp/25468
I have been an occasional ecstasy user for about 2 years, thanks to my love of electronic music and subsequent involvement in the rave scene. Over the years I've become more comfortable partying, staying out all night at least once a month or more, and lastly, ALWAYS dosing. I feel comfortable on e, only one pill usually, and I know how to deal with the come-down: small amounts of high protein food, lots of weed, isolation, quiet music, and creative activities.
As I have lost my fear of the drugs I feel that I've become more accepting of myself and the mysteries of life. At the same time, I've become much more reckless, and experience periods of depression more than ever.
About a month and a half ago I bonded at a rave with a jib dealer I knew as a friend of a friend. He was interesting and intelligent and we had a conversation of almost mystical profundity during the last hour of a party.
As we drove home he gave me many lines of crystal and I unintentionally became very, very high. I loved how up I felt, even after being awake for 24 hours. I loved the crazy shit we were talking about, and how I could suddenly overlook all the awkward drama of our partying crew.
Of course, 40 minutes later I crashed, and experienced that incredible paranoia. I thought that everyone was talking/plotting against me, and it was my dealer who explained away the fear.
I have a very close friend who went through a period of crystal dependancy while away from her family at an elite univeristy in another country. She used it for sports and studying, and found solace in the 'jiblets' she met as a result of her addiction. Thus, she was elated to find a new source for her habit.
We picked up a vial each before my prom and that night I discovered just how wild I could be when drunk and on jib. Meanwhile, the dealer was cultivating a big crush on me, and my friend advised me to continue the relationship in order to sustain the 'deals' we were getting for our drugs.
Anyways, the social dramas continued, and I found myself turning to my dealer for emotional support. In a way I loved him, but I just couldn't continue the relationship. As a meth addict himself he was very precise in his thoughts, and made a point to check up on me and my social activities, which I found very disturbing. As well, because my friend and I were using crystal to treat ourselves at clubs or after a spliff, we were often coming up with strange, sad fears and conspiracy theories. The dealer made me nervous and I found contact with him distasteful.
Soon I just got my friend to pick up the occasional vial of crystal for me and stopped calling the dealer all together. One night after many drinks and a bump of crystal I was once again in the wild state that had caused so many ill-advised sexual encounters before. Once again I was sort of taken advantage of. Crystal makes one feel very 'sexy' and attractive. And of course, I partied like a champion into the early hours of the morning.
Whenever I have a vial on me I find that I can't resist doing a bump or two over the course of the day. I hate the burn but I also love it. Even now I can imagine what it would feel like to have those shards of chemicals shooting up my nose, and its tempting to go to the washroom and pour another bump on my wrist because I know it'll make me feel so awake once again.
But I'll resist that urge, for a few hours or days, because there are some behavioural changes that come as a result of these speedy substances, that are really rather disturbing. For instance, the insidious paranoia, the irritation, the feeling that the things I say or do aren't really me.
The fact that now, even though I'm on holiday, I'm sleep deprived, but feel like I could go on for days thanks to my chemical crutch. I often feel sad and lonely- it's hard to get satisfaction out of just being myself and doing my thing. I CRAVE affection! I think that this is a result of the paranoia, and the desire to find someone else on the same wavelength as me. For instance, I have become so much closer to my friend who also does crystal. But this relationship I do appreciate.
Sometimes I am compelled to do jib, even tho it makes me feel 'duller' in a sense. Less in tune with my real thoughts and reactions. Also, while it does make sex better (increased blood/heart flow and sensitivity) now I'm experiencing water retention, presumably from this inherant tension.
So its a double-edged sword, this highly addictive, romanticized, feared and adored substance. I love it and hate it, and I don't think I'll buy another vial for a very long time, hopefully forever. But I know if it's offered to me I'll take some. And I know if there is the promise of free crystal, I will have an unnatural compulsion to be there, bizarre and flying high once again.
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