Citation: Jeff Poo. "Total Ego Distruction and Loss of Self: An Experience with LSD (exp25236)". Erowid.org. Apr 14, 2006. erowid.org/exp/25236
||(blotter / tab)
My state of mind at the time was very stable, poinient, and rational(the good life). I was finishing my senior year in high school at the time(about three years ago), and I had been taking psycadelics in HUGE quantities since my sophomore year. Often, me and a good friend of mine would heroicaly take 4 geltabs of lsd from a source that one could not help but respect for the simple fact that one of these gels was probably the equivilent to a three or four strip of decent (clean)blotters, and were sold for 5 a-piece. This batch of lsd was different from (almost)all others I had previously experienced. My friend and I bought a sheet of the stuff and understood this within 20-40 min after ingestion. BY this time of my life I had experienced a total of around 40 acid trips, or a bit less, I'm not to sure. Only a few of the trips I had experienced were of this degree of clarity and intensity in all fields of the psycadelic experience.
I probably shouldn't have asked the person dealing it to me of the potency, he choped up and handled enough sheets of this stuff per day to make the average person in his position build up an extreem tolerance, or think they are forever mentaly ill becuase of his subtle contact with these potent blotters, (which resembled the potency of the geltabs that caused the best and most intence trips of my life, ((probably lsd_25)). An interesting note, the guy who sold these blotters has now been diagnosed as a schizo, without a doubt!
The day I encountered these, I left my friends house to fully experience what my psycadelic team-mate called, an extremeny potent trip, reminiscent of our trips back in the day. I took this the wrong way and ate the same amount he did, five of these ufo blotters. This was either a big mistake or the cause of my mind set as I know it now, society can be the only judge as to my compatibility to 'normal' people after I took those five blotters.
The first hour was interesting, I had our family house all to myself, and after the first 30-40 min I knew I was in for something special.Special my ass----> I had no idea that a person could lose their ego/self entirely. Within 1.5-2.00 hours I was a mess. My pupils were non-existent, my respiration in total disarray, and my ego was in an argument with something more important. This thing that taught me was a mere expression of my total self, my fractal intelligence, and memories that by frequency can not be measured to any extent, only abstract experessions of a dimension that allowed my mind to move freely about all human potentialities, and then I observed those potentialities that seperate humans from what comes next on the evolutionary pathway(god/death). This pathway was by NO MEANS HUMAN, definately a potentiality, and not even necessarily evolutionary, but it is most definately positive, and almost alien.
I was upset with myself in many ways that I did not previusly recognize, And after my experience I believe these things are common amoungst all poeple espeacialy on the road toward ego-less enlightenment, (I had been on this road for years). There is a striving within us all that catlyizes all experience into something recognizable to us all. Perhapse I am delving pretty far into Jungian theory, but I know That the same mental process that made me tear up as I walked by a flock of scavenger crows fighting over a squirl carcass, is the same thing that facilitates the processes that create religion and order in societies. I don't even care if this is human nature, whether it is something to be considered the affects of history, or god/DNA given. It is miraculous, which lead me into the next part of my 'trip'.
Here I analyzed the processes involved in tripping(on lsd and mushrooms in particulare), and realized, as I had in the past, that it often takes a chemical for poeple to understand this highway of information and intelligence. The kind of intelligence that is fearfully avoided for the sake of comfort in our sociological confines. As anyone who has taken lots of LSD at once knows, under those conditions, one might as well be asleep and dreaming rather than associating one's self with people who are essentialy foriegners who speak a different language.
It is at this point that I realized that this was a conversion into something unintelligable. My heart opened and began to race in a way that seemed to make my chest vibrate into an aray of colors that my mind could not compute all at once. I've taken enough of this hallucinogen to know I was In the realm of dosages that would send most into a frenzy.
At that point my mom came home unexpectadly from her vacation. I faked being asleep to save my sorry ass from total mental breakdown. This worked, but the threat involved lead me to further question the state of human existance and I was overcome by the next wave of ego-destruction.
There I sat, pissing off my god-like intelligence by fretting all of man kind's issues. I may have been young when I experienced this, but I was already incompatible with most all people my age because of my developed interest in jazz-music, painting, science, philosophy, politics, psychology, and things too (LSD)emotional to be human. Each vision expressed one of the most important, arbitrary facits of humanity, and then expressed how it should be applied to the whole of human existance with prosperity in mind.
By the laws of the hierarchy of importance, my own prosperity was on the forfront of my cognitive chain rather than the later, most important facit of humanity, the whole. A thing that I could only call the unmoved-mover, moved my imagination to places that were so foreign to me, and in this state it told me that I could not possibly understand the vast volumes of fractal/exponentially useful and interesting information I am to encounter in my life: if I dont understand a few specific axioms of true knowledge, I will not be able to assimilate even the most bignine parts of my LSD experiences to the knowledge I have learned thus far.
For what it is worth to say this, these axioms(Aristotles blue-print of rationality and beyond), taught me how to be purely harmonious with my surroundings.
As fun as this trip may have sounded, it was terrifying every few (seemingly 10-15 minuit) seconds because of the intensity and the forcefulness of the visions. The visions were so intense that my (Sober)written language can only hint at the vast fractal knowledge I possesed for a short period of time. Also, most of the time I could not breath very well because it felt like a 500 pound man was sitting on my chest. Most Importantly though. I KNOW that one of the main reasons for my intence experiences was the fact that, due to natural anxiety, coupled with these somewhat new states of mind, my body flushed so much blood to my head at once, that at times the amount of blood dictated how deep my thoughts were. This was scary to me because at it's deepest, these thoughts were reminiscent of the knowledge one could attain only in death, and the further my mind delved into these unheard of topics, my bloodpressure became evermore unstable, to a frightning degree. UP and down, UP and down.
During the comedown of this increadibly intense trip I was able to more acurately guide my semi-conciousness and assimilate these entities that taught me about humanity into my actual personality. It was at this point where I seperated myself from what I would consider to be a collective unconcience. During this 6-7 hour comedown I also encountered thoughts that were exact replicas of what I would later read to be experiences encountered by great minds such as Terrence McKenna(no joke). Such as the implications Math and fractals have toward human conciousness, knowledge, logic, rationality, and evolution(i've made around 10 paintings trying to describe this): I have a whole notebook filled with personal writtings on the subject. Spiral models of history, both personal and world wide, each trancending eachothers meanings into one whole.
This is the only period of time that I understood this to this complex degree. Since then my tripping experiences have been more subtle because I have not gotten up the guts to take enough of this drug to force my self into a state of total ego-death.
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