Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Psilopsyche. "Spoken to by a Great Spirit: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp25049)". Erowid.org. Jul 9, 2006. erowid.org/exp/25049
At the age of 15, I had my first experience with psilocybin mushrooms. I was naive, yet I went into the experience seeking something. I had found what I was unknowingly looking for. With my naivety, I went to a theatre with my close friend, and sat at the very top of a theatre showing the film Vanilla Sky. Here is an account of what occurred after my ingestion:
I was excited, anticipating the beginning of my first experience. Some time had past, possibly 10-15 minutes, and I was growing worried. Nothing had begun yet. The anticipation was rising, into slight anxiety. The previews prior to the film had not yet begun, and in my mind, I heard the crashing of the ocean's waves. I asked my friend to my right if he was hearing the ocean, if there was the sound of an ocean from the previews, and he told me no. He said, 'You're trippin' man. . .' My friend was, and still is, rather immature, but nontheless, he has a heart of gold, and he very well may have saved my life.
Shortly after I was hearing the ocean's waves crashing in my head, it ceased, and nothing was happening, and then I found my understanding of Eternity.
I became nauseated, as my mind and body felt like liquid. Churning liquid. I closed my eyes, and I was engulfed, surrounded. Domed walls surrounded me, textured like a liquid kaleidoscope. Ever moving, ever shifting, ever changing. Geometric crystal like figured cracked and shifted into one another, changing colors of dark red, oranges, and yellows. Morphing into one another, fluidly, nauseating me. I would go in between opening my eyes, and closing them, but I was so dizzied, that I decided to stick with just keeping my eyes closed for simplicity. I felt sick, terrible. For an eternity it seems, I sat with my eyes closed, in the fetal position, clutching my knees, as the film began. I was forgetting things. My ego was leaving me. The mushrooms not controlled my mind.
My ego tried to hold on, I was trying to explain what was going on. I was trying to reason with this experience. All of my thoughts were chopped up. I was simultaneously thinking, seemingly HUNDREDS of sentence fragments at the same time. Something along the lines of, 'This is, What's happen- I ate mushrooms this is it can't the then I. . .' Just broken up sentence fragments. My ego trying to hold on. Eventually, I was completely consumed. I forgot that I had eaten mushrooms, I forgot where I came from, I just experienced psychosis. Eyes closed, I felt insanity. For an eternity, I shifted, and crawled in my mind. I thought to myself, 'I am in the 60's.' I had an overwhelming feeling that 'The 60's' was an experience, a place, and I was there, in this maddening place. For an eternity I struggled with nausea, until. . .
I felt as if my body was two dimensional. I bent forward, and caved in upon myself. I overlapped myself, and turned inwards, and suddenly, with this collapse of my body, my Spirit was thrown out violently, from the top.
I observed myself, 10-15 feet above my body, floating. I saw myself below myself, in the fetal position, except I looked like a 2 dimensional sliver of metal. My body was reflecting all surfaces, looking like a sliver of mercury. I caved back into my body, my 2 dimensional body caved in again, and my Spirit, again, was shot out above me. This time though. . .
I was in my Spirit form, and I was in a trance staring at the movie screen. Tom Cruise' face alone was on the screen, looking at me, and he was speaking to me. The voice was male, as I recall. Sadly, I cannot really remember the voice, but it was overpowering. If there was one God, and this one God had a voice, that was surely it. Towering, echoing, ancient. . . God-like. I cannot explain. He kept speaking to me, saying something, in a language not understood by me. Ancient tongue. . . I do not know. My two-dimensional self would cave in upon itself again, and again I would collapse in upon myself, being thrust out of my body, and he would repeat the same thing over and over again, for a seeming eternity. In and out of my body, struggling to hold onto my sanity. . . In and out I was shot out of my body, this figure on the screen, in the form of Tom Cruise, repeating again and again the same message. A message. Speaking to ME. For an eternity.
Eventually, I ceased leaving my body, and I felt okay. Okay. I was fine. I was perceiving reality seemingly as I am right now, as you must be right now. I did not know, nor did I think, of who I was. This person sitting next to me, smiling, my friend, he asked me if I was alright? I just stared blankly at him. The world was throbbing with psilocybin. throbbing. He kept asking me if I was okay, smirking. . . He kept asking me, and I replied finally, 'Yessssss.' I meant to say 'yes,' but my words dragged on. My words carried themselves longer. . . as if the were visible, and were flowing out at a different speed in time. He was no longer asking me anything, yet I was interested in my voice, I kept saying, 'Yesssss. . .' Interested in how it carried on. He gave me an inquisitive glance. I seemed fine, but I was somehow 'weird.'
The film was over, he must have thought that my experience was gone and done with. He said that the movie was over, and for us to go. I got up, not dizzy, nothing. Everything was fine. I walked down the stairs of the empty theatre, my steps somehow awkward. . . I cannot explain. I made it down the stairs fine, but once I was at the bottom, I had the sensation that I was going to leave my body again, so I sat down at the very bottom steps, clutching my head, pulling my hair. . . I sat there, with my eyes closed, trying to gather myself, and I was done. I was 'okay.' Him and I got up, and walked out of the theatre, and the rest of this story, I was in a trance, of which I only remember vague memories.
My friend was by a payphone, trying to call someone, his mother I think. I was next to him, and for some reason, I was fiddling with the belt around my pants. I took of my belt, thoughtlessly, and pulled down my pants. My friend hurriedly hung up the payphone, pulled my pants up, and was yelling at me, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!' I just stared at him, and kept trying to take my pants off, for unknown reasons. He dragged me into the bathroom, though I don't remember that. I found myself in a bathroom stall, and he was yelling at me, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!!?' I was in a trance. I didn't speak, didn't think, nothing. . .
We walked outside of the theatre, the box-office window to our left, a line of people waiting to buy tickets to our left. I don't remember this, but Iím told that I walked by every person, rubbing their faces as I walked by. What happened next, I remember. A BIG, TALK, BULK, Texan looking man, resembling someone bigger than Stone Cold Steve Austin the wrestler was in my face, ANGRY AS HELL, and he said, 'I'm about to pound this guy!' But my friend was in between us, and he told him, 'No no! He's not alright. . . he's not alright. . .' What occurred next, I vaguely remember.
I saw a girl, wearing short shorts, and I wanted to grab her leg. I guess Terence Mckenna is right on about psilocybin increasing sexuality, in a highly sexed creature as a human male. I *tried* to grab this girls leg, but my friend was there, grabbing me by my right arm, while I reached for the girl with my left arm. He tells me that I grabbed her ass, and that she screamed and ran away, but I don't remember that. Had he not been there, my male-instinct would have taken over, as it was going to, and what would have happened, is what is called RAPE in this culture. I would have 'raped' the girl. So thank goodness my friend was there with me.
He pushed me against a pillar, he must have been scared shitless. I wanted to wander, walk around, so I tried to walk into the street, but he grabbed my arm, and kept pushing me back, into the wall. I was not angry, nothing, I was empty. Ego-less. I kept trying to walk into the street, to wander, and he kept grabbing my arm and pushing himself against me. I began to think that he was a figment of mind. Some, creation of my psyche, that I could overcome. I thought that if I resisted against him, that he would just disappear, but he did not.
I do not remember much of what transpired here:
Apparently he got on a payphone, he called my Mom, told her what I had done (Mushrooms,) but he hung up abruptly, when he saw me standing atop a car. He hung up the phone and ran towards me.
I vaguely remember my friend telling me that my Mom was here, pointing to a car, trying to get my attention. So, and I don't remember any of this, I was trying to open car doors. In a trance. Trying to get my attention again, he pointed to a car parked by a curb. I gazed into the windshield. There was a man in the driver side, his wife in the passenger, and their young child in the back. I just gazed in, thoughtlessly, not even seeing them. I looked at the front right tire, I kicked it, as I would if I wanted to see if my tires were flat, and then on a whim, I just climbed onto the hood of the car. My friend then ran to me from the pay phone, and I walked up the windshield, and onto the roof. I was looking around, like a caveman, and I began jumping. Up and down, on the top of the car. I must have felt like a caveman. I jumped up and down, as the sound of sheet metal said, 'Clunkclunk, clunkclunk.' With every up and down of my jumping.
Here is the most important thing Iíve learned because of this experience.
Looking around at the world, it was very confusing, I felt as if I was being watched, observed, by God. I felt like I was the only one being watched, by God, and I got the overwhelming FEELING, the SENSATION, the UNDERSTANDING, that I, we, were put on this Earth to EXPERIENCE life. That THIS was the meaning of life. Nothing more than to experience it. No rules, no guides, no lines, no laws, nothing.
I am done.
I have grown so much since this experience, it is incredible.
From this first experience, I have followed again with mushrooms, a failed attempt at Ayahuasca, many Salvia Divinorum experiences, Calea Zacatechichi, etc, etc.
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