Citation: Obese. "My Nemesis, My Ally: An Experience with Amphetamines (Dexedrine) (exp24797)". Erowid.org. Dec 12, 2006. erowid.org/exp/24797
I've been medicated for ADD and ADHD for as long as I can remember. I was first put on Ritalin when I was in third grade because I was out of control. Ritalin was bad for me, several times when I was on it, I passed out without warning, and two years later, my doctor found that it had actually been damaging my heart.
After I was taken off the Ritalin, I was immediately switched over to Dexedrine at 10 mg per day. For the next year and a half, my life ran seamlessly, I was calm focused and in control. Around this time, I began to have fits of suicidal depression, and they did not go away for about 6 months. Eventually, my parents took me back to the doctor to have my dosage re-evaluated. They didn't tell the doctor about my depression, although now I wish that they had so that he could have stopped my dependence then and there. From this point on, my prescription was upped to 20 mg per day. Slowly, the depression subsided, and I was once more a well-adjusted young boy.
Once I got to high school, I was at times taking as much as 60 mg of Dexedrine at once. I was unsatisfied with the way that my life had turned so far, but the depression was still far behind me, I was going to work to make everything satisfying again. The first year of high school breezed right by me, I had an A average, and I was happy. Over the summer, I grew about 3 inches and put on nearly forty pounds. I thought nothing of it at the time, and continued dosing usually 20 mg/day unless there was something of importance happening, in which case I took more.
And so my second year of high school began, it started horrendously. For half of the first semester I could not motivate myself to work at all; but I picked up in the second half and scraped by. My second semester was just a steady decline after that. When the summer came again, unless I was constantly stimulated, I would wallow in self-pity and depression. I would manage to keep it in check of my own accord and lead a mostly normal life if I had something to do, but if I was left unoccupied, my mind would uncontrollably drag me through memories of sadness depression, and anything bad that had ever happened to me.
That brings me to this school year, which has just drawn to a close. My parents decided that I should be tried for a while without Dexedrine, so they cut it off. 30 mg per day on average, then nothing. I felt like shit for about two weeks, then all I felt was detached and apathetic for anything and everything. The next 4 months are a blur to me, I went insane over and over. One day I would feel washed out like I usually did. Then the next day, my sanity would leave me entirely, I regularly hid in cupboards and would often collapse onto the floor laughing hysterically at nothing at all.
Eventually, I went back on the Dexedrine at 20 mg per day again occasionally taking an extra 10 mg when I felt it was needed. This stabilized me quite a bit, brought me back to the realm of reason. Once more, I am able to focus and concentrate. But now the daily comedown is horror, worse than it ever was on Ritalin. Instead of getting depressed, I now get incredibly frustrated at nothing at all. If I don't find something to occupy me for the next two hours, the frustration turns to a seething rage, and it is all I can do to stop myself from destroying property and beating people in the streets.
Over the past few years however, I have noticed that if I am in a good setting and I have enough amphetamine in my system, my mind seems to expand ever outwards. Nothing is beyond my comprehension, I can follow separate conversations at the same time, all the while being totally aware of everything around me. In this state, when the need for me to move arises, which it does only rarely, I find that I am faster stronger and more flexible than ever before. It is an awesome wonder to behold; I can only describe it as nirvana, being at one with the whole of creation.
I have a constant ache for that experience, through every waking moment, but I fear it as well, because I know how dependant I already am on the drug, and I fear what may happen if it takes any more control of my life than it already has.
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