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I Still Don't Know if I'm Better
by Ophelia
Citation:   Ophelia. "I Still Don't Know if I'm Better: An Experience with Heroin (exp24758)". Nov 10, 2016.



I'm not really sure why I ever thought it would help, unfortunately I know it kept me alive. When I was 17 I found out that I was pregnant my boyfriend had left me and I was certain I'd keep it after a fucked up life and already 4 years of weekly drug use. I met someone, someone whose life was fucked up too.

He became one of my best friends at the time he was my only friend, he was my dealer his name was 'J' . He was a junkie a veteran O.G. And he knew everyone he always talked about how great heroin was but that it wasn't for everyone, and I'd sworn off drinking smoking and all drugs, I had a baby on the way I was going to be a single mother.

My family is catholic and el salvadorean and horribly ashamed of their daughter (me) and would be damned if anyone would see me pregnant. They sent me away to have my child. In el salvador a few days before I was to give birth my child stopped moving and everyone kept saying oh your just getting bigger and there no place for the baby to move, I gave birth to my son Jakob, he was dead and a part of me died too. It was wednesday and I came home tuesday that saturday my family went on vacation to california, never ever mentioned it to me till this day. The only person who came to see me to pick me up from the airport was J. That monday was the first time I decided that I wasn't going to be able to live, like this feeling is for the happy, the rich, the wholesome, the lucky. I shot up for a year not very long but that year I survived on heroin my only goal was to live to see another hit.

Although I still don't know if it helped I didn't realize I was so wasted I didn't remember I had been raped, many of my friends passed, life just seemed to go on in a haze. Then one day my friend was arrested and he decided he would move away rather than face jail. He moved cross country, my hook up, my life, and I had to get clean. I wanted to die. I went to visit him and I had planned to move there permanantely, I wanted to be with him, by his side. I felt he was all I had to look out for me my one person in this world. And he died, in a car right next to me and I didn't notice because I was too fucked up. I'd been so wasted for so long now I'm too desensitized to feel anything but anger any more and yet I can't say whether or not it helped me. I want to say it did but I still regret it.

I regret the fact that I love it, that I go back to it all the time, that I use anything I can get my hands on and then pretend I'm a good person. I say 'I'm a good person I just do bad things' a good person ha! A good person would have looked over at her friend and noticed that the person that kept her alive died and a good person would have shown up to her friends funeral. I'm better now and I've met a lot of really good people and I'm scared for them and the fact that I attract low lives and the people I know look to me for a hook up and I hook it up. I don't know if that is good or bad because I know that no amount of counciling would help me and I know I would never want anyone to feel how I've felt....
How I feel

So I try to help anyway I can and I lose sleep over it. I want to be a great person and I truly care for very few things, I have lost my love for living but I have alot of love for others. Yet I still dont know if I'm better.

I've met a few people who remind me of me before I became the me I am now. My boyfriend recently died and I haven't really thought about it instead I focus on everyone else. I came off a 2 week binge today and I cried about it, I cried for him and I cried for someone who once was my friend and tried to help me through the recent death. I cried because I want to to help him through his troubles but because of drugs and a drug deal gone bad I am now his enemy and unable to help. Things always seem to happen this way
You have moments where life seems so shitty that if only you can get off heroin life would be better. But a after a while life is so bad with and without it all you can do is take another hit. This old friend of mine wants heroin and I want to give it to him so he will feel nothing but at the same time I dont know if it will make anything any better. I've seen alot of fucked up shit I've done alot of fucked up shit the kind of shit that gives me insomnia for fear of dreaming about it the kind of shit that makes it possible to stop feeling or dreaming or behave normally. Hopefully one day when I'm dead someone will be able to confirm that no I wasn't a fuck up and that heroin did help but what do I know, I'm still fucked up.

I still don't know if I'm better.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 24758
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Nov 10, 2016Views: 1,631
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Heroin (27) : Unknown Context (20), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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