Citation: RealityChild. "Still Coming Up: An Experience with 2C-T-7 (exp24640)". Erowid.org. Jun 23, 2003. erowid.org/exp/24640
I have written here, word for word, a transcript of my notes from June 7, 2003. Comments are bracketed. Four names are used in these notes, and they are replaced by A, B, C, and D. A is myself, B is my girlfriend, C is a male, one of my best friends, and D is a female friend of mind who has recently begun dating C. E is another male friend.
Some background information: I used to get together with groups of three to eight of my friends most Saturdays to take various phenethylamines. This had not happened in some time. Up to this point, I had taken mushrooms five times, mescaline(in the form of San Pedro) twice, 2C-B six times, 2C-I four times, 2C-E twice, and 4-AcO-DiPT once. I had taken 2C-T-7 three times before, but it had been a very long time since my last experience.
One more thing--I had been reading a good amount of Buddhism lately, but hadn't understood it at a very deep level. The references that pop up every now and then are merely my personal translation of my realizations into the language of Buddhism. Don't hold it against me if I got some of it a little wrong.
(T + 0:00) Consumed 20mg of 2C-T-7[hydrochloride] in 15mL of vodka at 2:00 PM on a Saturday. Worst taste ever.[if anybody out there is thinking of doing liquid measurement with vodka, DON'T] Empty stomach. Been awake since 1:00.
[I was in my room alone at this point. I suppose I should mention that this all takes place in a college dormitory.]
(T + 0:07) Feeling cheery and sociable this morning.
[Went outside at this point. Really, really good weather.]
(T + 0:10) Chatted with E for 10 minutes or so. Joked about 'holy heavy water.' Got sunglasses.
[I mention my state to E, who doesn't do these things but is pretty unjudgmental.]
(T + 0:30) Distinct stomach unpleasantness. Hard to feel secure. Nothing abnormal. [I have almost never had a peaceful comeup on a psychedelic]
(T + 0:35) [Went back inside] Decided to stay in my room listening to C's playlist until I feel better. [He has some of the most relaxing music in the universe on his playlist, and it's always popular when people who are feeling psychedelic.]
(T + 0:40) Darkness and music are comforting, very much so. Bed feels nice. But I must not['must' and 'not' are underlined] forget to go outside when I'm not nauseous. Note: 'La Femme D'Argent' is fucking amazing.
(T + 0:55) Noting first 'character' of the drug. Is this a plus two? Maybe. I am somehow able to tell at this moment that I really like this stuff better than 2C-B or 2C-I. It just feels pretty nice. I'm feeling satisfied by Brian Eno and Winamp visualizations, and the nausea is barely bother me. [2C-B and 2C-I, 2C-B especially, make me nervous as hell during the comeup]
I'm getting a bit nostalgic for the old Saturdays, and it would be nice to have people here, but it feels pretty okay to be alone. I must try to produce this feeling on 2C-B/2C-I. If I can't, this is some objective measure of the suitability of each to different situations.
(T + 1:00) I know I won't be disappointed, but I may wish that I had taken more. Interesting.
(T + 1:10) I just wrote a reasonably elaborate e-mail to my dad. I'm feeling impressively functional. Very manageable dose. I have a gradually building feeling of profound calm.
(T + 1:20) Modest CEVs. Pulses of neon color on my eyelids. I am sifting through some very emotional material right now. I'm obviously upset with D for taking away my ability to talk to just C, but why do we have such an antagonistic relationship in the first place?
What is it that B and I are going through? Is it already time for us to end things, or are we just both being stupid? Too many questions, not enough answers.
'The Boy With the Arab Strap' comes on, and provides a nice answer. This is what I keep coming back to, isn't it? Things aren't so bad, and they're just like they usually are, and life goes on.... there are some problems that can only be solved with music.
(T + 1:30) Tension in my lower back. This isn't unusually bad, but it's making it hard to move about my room. I am very comforted by the fact that I am getting physical therapy for this.
'Night Walk' comes on. Belle and Sebastian is good stuff. Note: Ask C to teach me how to hold a pencil. I can learn. [C is an awesome artist, and I am a really fucking crappy one.]
(T + 1:35) Still feel nauseous when I try to move around. The experience is already great, and I'm amazed that it's going to get a huge amount better pretty shortly. Well, maybe 'pretty good,' not so much 'great.' I'm very far from being overwhelmed by anything other than the desire to rest my stomach and back. Note: see a dentist and orthodontist.
(T + 1:40) 'Le Voyage de Penelope' rates very high on the psychedelic meter.
(T + 1:45) Interesting thought: I'm still coming up on the psychedelic experience that is my life. And the words on the page have started to move, ever so slightly. A tape recorder is necessary at higher doses, probably.
(T + 1:50) Slipped into a timeless meditation state for a couple, just to discover that I have a really hard time breathing well in such a state. Daily exercise. I mean, c'mon.
Or maybe calm isn't at home in this body. 'Voodoo Child' has been put on and it's making me feel a lot less out of breath. Music really profoundly affects mood in a psychedelic state.
'What is psychedelia?' is always an interesting question. Especially now, when it boils down to 'What am I?' I am this moment, I am the tension in the small of my back, I am Hendrix, I am the 60's, I am thought, I am the writing on this paper. Is this Buddhism and nothing more. No, there's a little more. Nausea. But that's going away.
(T + 2:15) I seem to have put together an entire song[I do that--I write songs, kind of] Well, minus lyrics, but they should be easy enough... Feeling pretty creative, functional, fine. Gonna go find some good weather.
(T + 2:20) Some unurgent, unproductive voiding[look it up] has left me feeling more clear-headed than I have felt in quite some time.
(T + 2:25) C, D, [two other friends of mine], and E hangin' out on the quad. Feelin' fine.
(T + 2:40) I realized that I'm bothered most by things I don't understand. Like my lower back right now. Ouch.
[about this point I try to communicate my altered to state to C, and nobody else, but I think what happened is that E kind of made things awkward by trying to speak directly about it. I don't quite remember.]
(T + 2:45) People don't have any subtlety. Subtlety is what this is all about. They shouldn't expect to communicate well with me if they aren't going to be subtle. Of course I keep feeling like C is too subtle sometimes.
(T + 3:35) Played hackey-sack[hope that's how you spell it]. Feel great. Took my shoes off and the grass is wonderful. I feel entirely uncaged.[underlined] I should spend a lot[underlined] of the time outside when it's nice.
(T + 3:40) It's entirely possible that I feel too changed[underlined] by 2C-B and 2C-I. My thoughts get too loud and fast and unnatural. Unwelcome is the word. Here my thoughts are slower and more peaceful. I don't notice them happening, or mind when I do.
The brain is interesting. Things are different when I write them down then when I just think them. The human brain is not a single piece, it just thinks it is.
[At some point I talk to C about something for a while, then get sad and mention the 'tragedy'--that I never remember my deeper insights from psychedelic experiences, that I always return to my normal life with nothing really changed. He pointed to my notebook. I said that I 'don't know what I'd say' to my future self. But I tried it anyway.]
(T + 4:00) OK, we're going to have a go at it.
A, you are in danger of forgetting the part of your life that is truly important. Conquered daily by your fears, your misplaced desires, your pain, your selfishness, and your lack of discretion, you deliberately separate yourself from the most important part of your existence, which is only as far away as the grass on your front lawn. By not understanding the purpose of your daily actions, you risk being nothing, when you know, as well as anybody else, that you have the physical and mental capacity for greatness. This greatness is available to you every moment, and in every action. You can never allow yourself to forget who you are, and where you come from.
If you need to remember, go to any living thing and ask them for guidance. Do not be too impatient to listen.
(T + 4:20) Never felt better as long as I can remember. Coming down? Have I been up? I am so relaxed--except for my back. Taking this day off was a great idea. Outlawing 2C-T-7 is a horror on par with outlawing childhood. Or, for that matter, pretending that elementary school is more about learning than it is about growing up.
(T + 4:25) Establish morning and evening rituals! Mediation, showering, etc.! Procrastination is the greatest evil!
Religion is not an end. It is the beginning. It is the center.
[This is somewhat difficult to explain. I am not superstitious or religious in any classical way, but I feel that religions like Buddhism that deal with human nature and help individuals to tap into their own functionality make perfect sense, and can be integrated fully with the quest for achievement and happiness, and can help in objective perception of the outside universe.]
(T + 4:35) Definitely not down. Not even close. What is it that I've just experienced? That I may be still experiencing? A new kind of awareness of my actions, to the extent that I am criticizing my stair-climbing technique. [I always hurry and I'm always out of breath when I get to the top.] I have seen past my own trivial fear of death and my own existence today, but I have done much more. I have seen the arising of spirituality, and its role as a unifying force. I have observed how one can observe one's own actions bringing about one's downfall. I have seen how this observation becomes teaching, and teaching becomes religion. I have experienced Buddha, the greatest teacher, and in doing so I have become Buddha. I have gained, if only for this brief moment, the ability to instruct myself, hopefully enough to alter my life's course towards the more fulfilled and effective.
So I shall strive towards Buddhahood. It is the natural thing for me to do. And I shall try to learn the way well enough to instruct others. This too, is natural.
[At some point everybody went inside and I came out alone a few minutes later.]
(T + 4:45) Pulling myself outward, to the other universe...
F[Yes, I didn't mention her, she's a girl I know who doesn't like me and I never talk to, but she got fucked over pretty badly by her boyfriend recently] is outside. She looks as thought she has come here to be sad. On the one hand, I want to help her, and she is making her grief public. On the other hand, I know that it would only make things worse. I see the problem, not the solution.
She has been waiting for G. He is doing his job, as her friend, well.
H is now outside.[smoking] Smokers may be more in touch with the environment than people in general. They spend time outside, emphasis on the word 'spend.' Like, the wholly appreciate it, maybe.
There is no total solution. All solutions are imperfect and must be fashions as such for problems as they arise. The Buddha teaches this, as it is obvious from observation. The total solution is Buddha. Problems may not be solvable, but self-mastery is the first step to solving any problem.[Note that I didn't mean 'any given problem.']
For later consideration: This language of expressing things is too culturally biased. I must come up with a better one.
(T + 5:25) Almost down maybe. Good appetite.
Buddha was a person, and this is important.
Buddha was a teacher, and this is important.
These are distinct parts of the Buddha.
[It's really hard to explain what was going through my head here.]
(T + 6:00) Still some more than just after-effects. Hanging out in my room.
(T + 6:05) B is coming over. What do I say to her? I am still giddy with the contradictions of Buddhism made apparent. Before now there had been doubt and fear. But now, I understand.
The 'tragedy' did not repeat itself. It has been almost two weeks since the experience and I have been following my morning and evening rituals almost perfectly. Before that day I had a great deal of difficulty ever remembering to brush my teeth, but since then I have been flossing daily.
In the week afterwards, I found myself much more able to be honest with people. My cautious attempts at honesty and self-restraint didn't work out perfectly, but they allowed me to provide a few thoughtful words to some people who I probably wouldn't have even talked to, and I think that these were generally appreciated. I had a completely straightforward conversation with B about our relationship, the first such conversation that we've had, and we eventually resolved most of our difficulties and have by mutual consent agreed to be less restrictive of each other, to have an open and possibly even non-exclusive relationship. Yet we have only grown closer since then.
In a certain sense, my restless quest for a grand answer ended on that day. I will never again look for meaning anywhere other than myself. I will from now on always be my primary spiritual guide. Many imperfections await me, but I am prepared to look upon them without judgment, and a mind directed towards understanding, self-improvement, compassion, and producing these realizations in others. I will certainly falter, but I have written down the entry from T + 4:00 on wallet-sized paper, to carry everywhere.
The Buddha said: 'Oneself is one's own refuge; what other refuge can there be?'
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