Citation: Robbie. "If I Told You, You Wouldn't Believe Me: An Experience with Nitrous Oxide & MDMA (exp225)". Erowid.org. Aug 18, 2001. erowid.org/exp/225
I have been using/abusing N2O for about 18 months now. Until a couple of months ago, I was convinced that it was a fun drug and a quick and easy way to get high. Recently, I was way out there on a large dose (about 160 mg) of the best MDMA powder I have ever had. Just before sunrise, a friend and I jumped in the car and headed up to a large park with a tank of nitrous, a bag of balloons, and some amazing goa trance music. We both sat in the car, which was parked at the end of a row of trees, and I focused on a point low to the horizon in the distance. We began to take in breaths from our balloons. I will point out at this stage that I have practiced controlling the rate of intake so that I hover in a semi-concious state, and as such, I still feel like I am in touch with reality but in actual fact, the nitrous is controlling that reality.
Using this method of controlled intake, I am occasionally able to notice/imagine the point at which the nitrous takes over my conciousness. When this happened, the row of trees became an image of an amazingly colourful woman, the kind of person you would see in the street and think 'wow, what a wild outfit'. The tree in the foreground became her hair, the balloon in front of me became her stomach, a branch in the foreground made up her facial features. Beyond this image was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, a tunnel stretching all the way to the point I was focusing on, and at the end of the tunnel was this woman again but now it wasn't a side view, she was animated and 'alive'. I began to have a conversation with her. Details of what we spoke about are hard to describe but I associated what was being 'said' with conversations I had had with people in the past. She was explaining that she was one of them and that she was everywhere, even in the row of trees from which she had been created. She took me back to a time when I was saying to a close friend that someone I had just met through her was really nice and my friend had replied 'of course, he's one of us'. One of us, one of us, one of us, I wondered.
All of a sudden, I had the answer to every question that has ever been asked about the reason for our existence on this planet. I believed that we were all aliens and that my friends who introduced me to nitrous already knew this and I had to go and tell them that I had joined the ranks of those that knew the truth. My friend in the car got the shock of his life when I came out of it screaming that I was no longer afraid. When he asked me what I saw, I replied, 'If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. When you're ready, they will show you.'
I called my friend who had said 'he's one of us' the next day and began ranting and raving about all the tests I had passed in that trip and subsequent trips I had had that night until the tank was empty. Slowly and gently she calmed me down, and after a few days of confusion I began to get back in touch with 'reality'. I can't say that what I saw isn't real but I know that if I live my life believing that the answers to the meaning of life are in a tank of gas, then I will be institutionalized.
I still use nitrous and get great satisfaction out of it and I am still able to make contact with that woman and other 'friends' I have made inside the balloon, but each time we meet I just accept the fact that they may be real or they may not, but either way we always have a good time together. The more time I spend looking at the oblects they come out of, be it a speaker, the corner of a room, a tree, a painting, etc....the more I realise that they are parts of my imagination, or is that just the wool being pulled over my eyes yet again?
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