Citation: anonymous. "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream: An Experience with 5-MeO-DiPT (exp22228)". Erowid.org. Mar 19, 2003. erowid.org/exp/22228
There comes a strange and magical time in the dose-response curve of a number of drugs when they stop being what I think they are, and transform into something alien. This is one such story.
0:00 A 5 mg capsule of 5-MeO-DiPT is taken with water.
0:10 A second 5 mg.
0:20 A third 5 mg. I'm starting to feel something in my temples. A smarter person would have stopped at 10-15 mg, but smart isn't on the agenda tonight.
0:30 Yet another 5 mg. I'm clearly feeling it now, a body buzz not unlike a less speedy form of MDMA. Good.
0:45 Oh yah...a very good, strong buzz, sending shivers of pleasure through my body. One more capsule, for about 25 mg of very pure 5-MeO-DiPT total.
The intensity continues to build. I'm starting to get a little worried, but have no idea how bad things are going to get yet.
1:10 I feel very tired, the drug pressing me down into the couch. I watch a little TV to pass the time, and notice that sounds are becoming distorted, deeply bassy and irregular, like an audio tape being stretched out.
1:30 Oh hell. I am enveloped by a grayness. I curl up on the couch, almost terrified, but unable to embrace even that emotion. The universe is a void, empty and ominous. I try to engage the material, to work with it, wrestle some meaning from it, but there is only the infinite void pressing back on my mind. I try to accept the void, but I cannot...it will not reveal anything to me of its nature. I then try to fight it, pouring my soul into the void, a brilliant pyre of white-hot energy to fill the emptyness. The void does not care. It is unmoved, as indifferent as God judging ants, and I let the light go, exhausted.
I will not accept this. I must fight it. As I lay in the darkness with my eyes closed, I transform myself into jeweled serpent, scales glittering with mathematical perfection. I am reason, pure and immoveable...I do not fear you. The void does not respond, and my scale armor is stripped away. Now I am only the bones of the serpent, carved with the glowing runes of my ancestors, radiating hate and the will to live into the void. But it does not care. It does not respond. The light of the runes fades out, and I snap back to my body.
2:00 I'm laying on the couch, with the TV on. I try to watch it, to ground myself, but the audio distortion has become severe. I'm having trouble understanding what's being said. Feeling a more basic urge, I slowly manage to make my way to the bathroom to relieve myself. My body moves on it's own, with little attention from me. I feel a little better, telling myself that my body knows how to take care of me.
2:15 God, the audio distortion is incredible. The TV makes no sense to me, I feel overloaded...so I turn it off and try to lie still in the darkness. But there is no peace here. The household noises transform themselves into the screams of dying children....I shudder and turn the TV back on.
2:30 My eyes close again as I squirm under this feeling of emptyness and helplessness. As I lay there, a vision comes. I reach out for power, for comfort...and it comes. I feel my teeth elongate and my jaws become massive, like a savage animal...and a voice in my head tells me that I am Wolf Clan. I snarl at the void, and it retreats...but only for a moment.
3:00 Things are only getting worse. Surfaces move and crawl, but there is no hint of unnatural color. Objects move suddenly instead of smoothly, telling me that my mind is loosing sections of reality...either they are being missed completely or not recorded in memory long enough to notice them. I feel like a fever dream, semi-concious, seeing double...my body wanders about the house, doing it's best to play sober while I am lost in the drug. I collapse in bed, but it only gives a few minutes relief. I wander, collapse, and wander again.
4:00 I wonder if I should call somebody...help, a friend, maybe the hospital. No, there's nothing they can do, I would only scare them. If anybody drops by to visit, I have no hope of dealing with them. The fever dream drags on, as I try to reassure myself that time will pass and the drug will leave my system.
5:00 Words.... I cannot think. The internal dialog is silenced as speech itself is denied to me. I try to put a sentance together, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get past one word. I would cry out to god for help, if I knew of any gods that I could believe in. The void mocks me, offering neither aid nor destruction.
6:00 I still can't think verbally. My mind scampers about my body like the Titanic's chief engineer making one last check on the engines before the ship sinks...I seem to be OK physically. At tremendous effort I take my temperature and find it's normal. The world cannot reach me with words, and I cannot reach them. God, I should have had a sitter with. I don't even have some benzos on hand...this was not well planned. My face is completely numb now...dentist's novacaine numb, as I am treated to an amazing demonstration of serotonergic anaesthesia. My reality grows narrower, and I start to loose touch with my body.
6:20 Now I am only an airway with a beaten mind attached to it. Breath. Breath. If you stop breathing, you'll die.
7:00 Some signs of repair. I'm aware of the physical world for longer periods. It's ending, I tell myself...but I'm not entirely convinced. I still can't quite think verbally, and a rambling chattering dialog has begun in my mind in what sounds like some sort of Spanish catechism. I don't understand it...I try to sleep but cannot.
9:00 Much improved. Still serious audio distortion, but I can now follow most speech on the TV.
10:00 I wake up, and am pleased to realize that I was actually able to sleep for about a half hour. If I have to be sick, I might as well spend the time unconscious.
12:00 Voices and sounds are still bassy, slowed, but the effect is minor. I cook a light breakfast. Unlike MDMA, with which I usually just reach a point where I realize I'm not really high anymore, this material slowly faded out, offering no identifiable 'end' to the experience.
13:00 Finally, I fall asleep, but am only able to stay asleep for about four hours. The drug is mostly gone, and other than being tired, there's very little sign of a hangover.
Well, that was a ride. Many questions remain. For instance, when I checked myself in the mirror, there was no pupil dilation. How is this possible within this class of drugs? Perhaps it is not a simple serotonergic drug as first suspected? Maybe an unnapreciated cousin to the dissociative anaesthetics? What truly dissapointed me was that this state had nothing to offer. Nothing to teach. I am very hesitant to even describe it as a true psychedelic...there was only a trauma without any sense of direction or influence to it, very different from drugs like ayahuasca. And yet...at moments in the beginning, I had the impression that maybe, just maybe there might be another pathway that could have been taken if I had allowed myself to truly let go and embrace the experience, but even that avenue didn't seem to have much promise. The high dose 5-MeO-DiPT state simply gave me nothing to work with.
It was certainly a miserable experience. So, have I been scared off this drug? Not at all. The drug didn't do this to me; I did it to myself. At low doses it remains a perfectly pleasent and inoffensive material, and I will not blame the results of my questionable choices on an inanimate substance.
Two days later, a 10 mg challenge dose was administered with barely a baseline response, suggesting a high degree of tolerance had been aquired. Strange, interesting stuff, but I think I'll look elsewhere for true psychedelic experiences.
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