Citation: Disciple. "The Secret of Now: A Simple Teaching: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp21347)". Erowid.org. Sep 21, 2007. erowid.org/exp/21347
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Extasy frightened me for a number of years. Friends of mine in high school would look deep into my soul at the peak of a trip and tell me how I would love it. I knew that, so I never tried it while I was in school, young, naieve and inexperienced with what the world had yet to teach me.
Two summers following my doubted graduation from high school, I was involved in a traffic accident that resulted in the death of a drug addled man. No legal responsibilities fell on me, (it was an accident if there ever was one), though very often through the following year, my personal feeling of guilt and responsibbility for the death of another distressed me a great deal. This is when, after years of abstaining, I would try E to focus on it's empathogenic qualities; it was an attempt to heal.
So I dropped with some very close and dear friends. They catered to the 'rave' experience very much. The focus was on nothing more than the body and what was felt. I enjoyed the environment, though I kept my goal in mind. To no avail, I attempted to let the drug heal me. Funny, though there was no final, culmitative epiphany regarding a life and a death, over the next many months I had somehow let go of that pain, not forgetting, but accepting it.
I didn't try X again for a while after that. It is not my favorite drug and too little is known about it's detrimental after effects. I thought E was simply not intense enough and too dangerous to trifle with regularly. However, now in college, some friends of mine had aqquired some intriging hexagonal X tabs, and I obliged again, with nothing but familiarity with a new and different perspective.
We were on the patio talking, when suddenly, the Ex was on. The lighs suddenly exploded and became ill defined, so effulgent in their expression. We walked in from the chill and sat on the couches. Lucy's roomate's friends came armed with glow sticks and an understated inability to rave. I left the room, seeing the lights as far too temporary an occupation to have. I wnated to come away from this experience with SOMETHING to incorporate into my sober world. I left this room to become preoccupied by something of more value than spinning lights and repettitive bass lines.
I went to a small, dark room with the only light comming softly from a steadily bublling fish tank. Here I sat in seclusion with the fish. I love them. Like no other drug, any other individual person or experience do I love fish. I sat looking toward the tank, looking into the eyes of the fish. The fish stared back. I was viewing, subliminally praying to this wonderful, simple fresh water fish. My consciusness would ask of it questions, questions which it took me twenty one years not simply to know, but to understand. Like viewing the panaramic view of a mountain top, any one direction was a fine, just and wonderful view, but only in it's impercievable entirity does all of it's beauty and truth lie.
Looking at the tank, all agular and distortive, the fish lookied back at me. Neither it nor I could break our gaze. I asked of what I could learn from it, and it surged towards me. I asked if I had anything to teach or give the fish, and the fish swum away, hiding beneath it's plastic flora. In this manner, through the actions and attentions of this fish, it taught me all I asked of it, things previously conceptualized but never understood.
There were times that seemed like hours where the fish would aline itself so that I stared, not through the glass anymore, not into it's eyes, but through them into what consciouness it contained. I merged with that one fish more than I have ever been able to feel with any one thing, or all things. This one fish, gave me all the teachings I needed for the rest of my life. Simple and fleeting was the treasure of this knowledge, but what once was known can again be found.
Others did not so much interupt my discourse with the fish, but they were the sign of the end of that one moment. Taking the teachings of this aqueos soul, I turned away. Though the fish and I had been constantly aware of one another and all we felt, it did not attatch to our contact as I have done. It turned away, twitched slightly and was then, again a simple fish. Part of me desired more knowledge, right then, right there. But this is a childish, fanciful 'want of it all, right now.' This is a part of me that is falling away.
We then walked out, leaving Lucy and her boyfriend to become better aqquanted with Extasy and one another's love each other. Saul and I walked out the door, destined for other places, other people, other experiences. We floated form party to party, from good friends to good friends. Everywhere, I percieved. The truest lessons of the fish, are in truth, incommunicable. Live as a fish, I suppose is a simple way of putting it. Detatch from what you call known to yourself. Experience without comparison. Occupy with what the world has to offer you, right now, worrying not about future responsibilities or past dissatisfactions.
And though this fish's teaching lasted no more than a half-hour, I took not the fish, but it's lessons with me into the night. Rather than having a burden of some new knowledge, I simply knew truth. I will do my best not to remember such teachings, but to know them. Dissolution of body was what was achieved for both the fish and myself. Rather than the body exclusive focus extasy has been popularly stigmatized with, I truly believe that MDMA offers the mind what the mind has forgotten.
I have no plans to use E again. I have no plans not to. I will not say what I will and will never do. I believe that drugs should be used not as a way of life, but as a reaffirmation of it.
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