Citation: Metal. "A Year in Her Arms: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp20607)". Erowid.org. Oct 28, 2005. erowid.org/exp/20607
They call me Metal, I was named by the candy kids my first night rolling. In fact, ecstasy was my very first drug experience, and it made me fall in love with artificially altered conciousness. In the raver culture I had finally found somewhere I fit in, where I could develop useful social skills that I enjoyed (dancing), and a world full of love came in a little $20 pill. It all seemed so right. It made perfect sense. I dont remember why. After that, the other drugs came, too. Ive sampled and rejected nearly every drug in existance, because they simply dont measure up to ecstasy, or just dont make me feel good. Speeding and/or puking savagely is not a really appealing thing to plan the night around, but X always seemed such a harmless alternative to what I considered 'real' drugs.
Ive just settled in front of my computer after my last night of using ecstasy. I decided some time ago that the marginal costs have been outweighing the marginal benefit. My intention was to stop using, but I wanted one last night in the arms of ecstasy, and so I had one. I ate four pills, more than Ive ever taken in a night before, after a couple months off. It turns out, my tolerance didnt decrease over that time, and so I got very minimal effects with lots of side effects from these pills, despite their being of excellent quality (verified through chemical testing combined with verbal survey). Last night reminded me of the reasons I did ecstasy for so long (a long time in my view, just under a year) and so regularly, and the reasons why I shouldnt anymore.
Before I begin, I need to say that I dont recommend drug use to anyone who isnt fully prepared. Drugs, used improperly, will shatter dreams, and one will see one's life falling apart. Believe me, I was there. The secret is in how I talk to myself, how I view my relationship with said substance. If one is going to do a drug, do it out of a want, not a need. Needs get complicated, and chemical needs are simply absurd. It wont happen if a person is overly careful. Drugs are damn expensive, if you hadnt already noticed. In under a year I easily spent several thousands on my diverse and extended experimentation.
First, I'll describe the positive aspects in my life that have come about due to X. I used to be severely depressed. I was put on antidepressants, but they just made it worse. There really wasnt a whole lot that could be done. I was withdrawing farther and farther within my walls, granting access to none. That first night, it all changed. All of a sudden, there was love. The building was teeming with it. I made innumerable new friends, and they all remembered who I was the next time I went. Finally, a place to belong, where I can spend time with people with similar musical tastes. Ecstasy gave me something to look forward to in life, as twisted as that now sounds to me. I always knew she would be waiting to offer me her love... And she got me through the hardest year of my life. I was treated very well in our early encounters... The experience was so powerful, it called into question everything that I believed. I'm eternally grateful and respectful of the unique nature of the chemical interaction between my brain and my pills, but at the same time, see that the efficacy has run its course. Burnout is real. If my purpose for using this drug is to get the most I can out of it, in experience and emotional healing, it cannot be used to excess. Being constantly worn out from ecstasy use wont do my body or balance any good. It can leave me quite vulnerable.
What I dont like about ecstasy is this: the body load and side effects may be comforting at first, but as the dosage rises, so does the damage and pain of the nightly grind. Ecstasy makes me feel like a lover left at the altar. Right when I was getting all I could out of it, and really growing, she left me. The pills stopped working regardless of dosage. Luckily, I was ready to move on to the next stage. I can honestly say, after this last night of attempted rolling, that I am done with ecstasy. No more do I get the euphoria, no longer do I get a body buzz. Slightly heightened senses and energy to dance. Not worth the $64 I spent and this feeling in my bones. That old familiar ache. The ache of one who has been out exterting himself for far too long, but was too fucked up to notice it. In as many aspects that X opens my eyes, there are instances where it closes my eyes. I caught myself daydreaming about it... My unseeing eyes fixed on some ambiguous point at the front of the classroom. I felt a need I never thought possible. Not a physical urge, or requirement set out by my body, simply a very strong desire, a longing for the artificial love as one might pine for the presence of another human being. A truly intimate affair with ecstasy is like falling in love, and therein lies the element of danger with this drug.
Once I had a 'hard designer drug' under my belt, and none the worse for wear (yet), my views on drug abuse of other kinds slackened. I wouldnt blame the drug. I wouldnt label it a gateway drug, because the reasons people go all out when they get into drugs is the repression factor. If we gave children a thorough understanding of these substances, there would be no experimenting to do. Also, the fact that so many people escape the world for short periods of time artificially points to an underlying flaw in our social system, which allows a few popularity and approval. Growing up in that environment, to learn that behind closed doors there exists an underground organization that will accept you for whomever and however you choose to be, I was enraptured from the start. There are just so many catalysts that can make drug use spiral out of control from conservative, to moderate, to excessive usage in no time flat. The fact that I did resort to such chemical means of satiation caused me to be distanced from most of my friends and family. Had they stopped to think, they just might have seen that I needed people in my life. Living sober is much more rich and rewarding... And that statement is far removed from my stance only a few short months ago.
Ecstasy accelerated my emotional growth, but this cannot be said to be true in all cases. Loss of purity opens the doors to more sins that then seem much more reasonable. To one who has used ecstasy and benefits from use, please space it out. Make every time special and never, ever use the word 'need' in reference to drugs. If you dont follow these guidelines, then at some point down the road, youll be kicking yourself for all the harm youve sustained. I dont remember much of this past year. It was the year of the chemical. One year is all it took me to figure out that these arent the way to salvation. For others, it may take longer. Until you see the world through wizened eyes, I know youll most likely believe what you want to believe, and do what you want to do. Of all drugs, ecstasy is one of the most harmless, but still not something to be taken lightly. If you see negative trends developing in a friend, try to help. Its when nobody makes the offer/effort to help and you really need it that the desperation and utter loss of control develop. You need not take all of what I have to say. Cross reference. Find it out for yourself if you absolutely must, I just hope you dont have to learn it in too hard of a way. We can all get through this. I hope my experience helps someone. Take care of yourself and each other.
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