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Ego Killer
Citation:   crazec. "Ego Killer: An Experience with Risperidone (exp20529)". Erowid.org. Jan 22, 2004. erowid.org/exp/20529

T+ 0:00
3.0 mg oral Pharms - Risperidone (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:20 3.0 mg oral Pharms - Risperidone (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:35 3.0 mg oral Pharms - Risperidone (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:00 3.0 mg oral Pharms - Risperidone (pill / tablet)
This antipsychotic drug is given mostly to people suffering schizophrenia and is most likely given to someone relating to any psychotic symptoms, auditory (or visual) hallucinations, etc. Anyone with these symptoms taken into an emergency room is most likely to get a shot of Haloperidol or Risperidone and some sedative substance - I advise you to stay clear away off these experiences and make sure you have a safe haven to stay until the end of any psychedelic experiences. These substances are no fun in any way, when given to anyone, care should be taken not to experiment with large doses as they are real brain killers in even very small doses.

T+0:00 As innocent I was, felt an urge to find out the effects this substance has upon mind and mood of my existence. I advise anyone with the least sanity and appreciation of life's beauty not to have similar concepts or inclinations with these materials. I should point out that I took the first pill with a good intent and could not imagine that they might do any harm to my brain and/or mental and emotional functioning.

T+0:20 I was pondering that it is 3 milligrams that I just had taken and did some research previously on recommended dosages, so I learned that the range is between 1-12 mg per day. I wanted to go for sure to learn the effects, so I felt an urge to take another 3 mg pill, which I did after a short hesitation, reassuring my thoughts that this is a very small dose, nothing bad should come out of this.

T+0:35 Another 3 mg tablet found its way down my throat, and to make sure I'd experience any effects I took a fourth one with some mineral water in a short while. I would never ever do such a thing again.

T+1:00 No effects noticed and had no fears whatsoever.

T+1:30 No effects. I was still expecting some experience of an interesting sort of nature. Looking back, it is evident that I did not really care for the whole process. I decided to go and take a visit to my mother's place to see her, it was Friday afternoon. I walked 200 meters to a nearby tram stop, things started to quiver in me. Nothing serious to realize, though at some point during the walk, I noticed that my bright and airy mood started to become really earth grounded and my thoughts started to take on a strict approach or point of view to judge my decisions in life in general.

T+1:40 I was waiting for the tram, I could not see it coming in the far distance of its straight line. I was wondering whether to take another route, but decided to stay and wait. My mind was clear and my thoughts were positive all the way so far.

T+1:45 At some point a sudden rush of despair came to me out of nowhere with strong fear which very soon lead to a panic state of mind seeking rescue and a safe place to hide. I cannot really describe the feeling and the mind set, nothing similar felt before. It is like the breath of death itself not trying to kill me but revealing its power. The key word is imbalance. I had to walk in confusion. No way is right. Up and down. It all happened so fast, this is just a fraction that I can describe to you. I looked around trying to evaluate my situation, there were like 4 everyday people waiting for the tram with a long face. They definitely could not represent any source of hope or safety in regard to an emergency situation. My heartbeat became very fast, I had to decide what to do. Either go back to my apartment, there I'd be alone, waiting for the effects to calm down, or trying to get to my mother, undertaking the situation and trying to tell her what was happening to me. Uhh. With this and that option in my mind I decided that I would take the tram and try to go to her place. Being alone didnít seem to be a reasonable option at all in this state.

I still have to say I cannot describe the feeling. I felt that I must take a helico or something a supersonic plane or otherwise I break down with the fear and panic. The tram arrived. It seemed all so slow. The doors opened, I got inside, it was spacious, all people with the usual faces, but so strange. I felt it is an evil planet, and I am another sort of being in the wrong place. god, get me out of here, please. Could not look at people's faces, they all frightened me, I couldnít realize anything nice, attractive or just fine in my surroundings. When the tram doors closed and the vehicle started off, I felt more panic, each stop took an eternity for I had no way to escape the closed compartment. Ahh. I had to calm myself down very much, looking at my own face in the glass - it was dark already- - but it frightened me too, as I was scary and frightened. My heart pumped but my system was calm at one level. This duality was with me all the way throughout.

I had to take off at the second stop. I donít know why I felt that walking is more secure. it was fXXXng cold. I was walking all the long straight road with cars and trucks fasting rushing down at me by the road. I took off my jacket and sweater. all I had on was a t-shirt with lady diana and prince charles on it with London in the background. ahh. This was too much to realize. they were smiling at me with a hint of pain in their eyes. I felt the smile is fake and nothing can be safe or victorious in this world. I had to walk 10 steps then turn around to see that there's nobody attacking me from behind. I passed a hospital but I had no intention to walk in on my own I was so afraid of everything in there. I kept on walking and keeping my panic down - it was a great effort.

I must take note that it is clear for me that the panic was not from the situation but must have occurred on a chemical intervention in my nervous system. I could handle very well the situation and wished to persist until the effects would clear away. But I felt that they were just setting in.
Anyway I took the tram as I reached the bridge in the city. Mom's place seemed so far away, like another lifetime. I was thinking of my room and bed over there, which felt safe from here. The tram ride was more panic. Between each stop, I was unsure whether I could make the next one, or break down in heart attack or something. When the tram started to go real fast I felt that I need to escape immediately to feel safe. It took more than an hour and a half to reach home.

T+3:00 I find that I cannot describe what is happening to me, I cannot talk to mom or to people. I even find myself so desperate that I feel that no one can help me at all. I cannot explain the situation, my feelings, my state, and no one would understand it anyway. HELL. I tried to explain my mother that I took some pills and I might need some help. Of course she got frightened which made me feel more insecure and desperate. God. I went to bed but could not stay there. I had to get out and walk in the apartment. It was scary. I felt my heart beating in irregular rhythms, and noticed that once it started to beat faster, build up, then down its rhythm, like a trance beat up and down. When it went up, no one could tell if it was ever going to stop at all. Ahh. So walking, and walking. My head started to ache. I cannot describe how and where. It was bad. I felt my body is struggling big time, I could hardly breathe enough with my heart beats changing all the time.

I tried to keep a 'low profile' not to make it an emergency situation. I expected the whole thing to calm down in a few hours - but it did not. Mom wanted to call the emergency many times, she didn't know how to help. I was so afraid. Even to see her being frightened and desperate too. We had a psychiatrist in the family also, he might help I thought. I still expected the effects to wear off and disappear in a while. It was late 11 pm somehow I managed to get to sleep. Donít ask me how. my heart bumped. but I could find a position in my bed that felt comfortable enough to fall asleep being exhausted very much.

The next day I woke up with a clearer mind, but soon the effects become evident again. This panicked me. It was like turning on the radio, which cannot get the stations only much noise. An hour later muscle cramps in my leg. Later my neck started to get really stiff. I could not move my head.
An hour more later my head was turned on either the left the right, or pushed to the back. I looked quite strange and this was the time when I realized I really need help here. This ainít no fun. It was strange because I also had to smile and laugh in my desperation. Mom also was laughing with some tears. Ahh. I needed her to keep my head straight. An hour later this force was so strong that she could only hold my head straight for 5 seconds, then release for a while to gain enough strength.

Anyway I finally found my way to a hospital where they immediately understood the situation, gave me Akineton [biperiden, an anticholinergic] to ease muscle stiffness. It ain't fun. It took 30 minutes to release the force and the pain.

I won't go more into this, but I missed many things on the mindset. Psychedelics probably boost serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain. Risperidone is deadly effective in diminishing their level and effects, I wouldnít give it to any healthy man in any quantities. I felt like a zombie. No emotions, no attractions, I could not be enthusiastic about anything, feeling empty, and desperate, hopeless, the only way out seems to be suicide. Any kind of music is disturbing, I feel it is a strange, alien world with hostility, uncaring people, selfishness. Very much on the dark side.

Scientists don't know the exact mechanism of its action. It is synthetic, artificial. Prescribed to humans. Legal. It might kill while keeping you alive. POOR RATS. Surely, it might be useful for treating real schizophrenia. Donít ever try it unless you are physically ill.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. <>

Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 20529
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 22, 2004Views: 45,279
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Pharms - Risperidone (253) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Overdose (29), Health Problems (27), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2)

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