Citation: Freedom Freak. "I Feel Like Hugging Everybody: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp2042)". Erowid.org. Jun 22, 2000. erowid.org/exp/2042
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Well, I have received much encouragement to relate my experiences on Ecstasy, so here is an attempt...
I was told almost a week in advance that I might have the opportunity to try Ecstasy with the young lady who acted as a guide for my first LSD trip. We were to meet at a given tube station not far from the nightclub where the experimentation would take place.
I was not easy about trying a new psychedelic in a crowded place, realizing this could have been difficult to handle with LSD. But there lay the opportunity and I just hoped to have enough mental control (practice of Yoga helping) if things got tight.
I had read about MDMA in Peter Stafford's Psychedelics Encyclopaedia, but was aware E's are not very often pure MDMA. In addition, the book had stayed at home and my memory of its contents had faded somewhat. So I scanned the net for an Ecstasy FAQ and read that, also reading whatever current reports of the experience were posted on alt.drugs.
Quite strangely, that was also the week my father decided to give me a hysterical account of some absurd and manipulatively badly written article in a Swiss newspaper depicting the dreadful and possessive evils of the Love Pill. He knows I have profound interest in altered consciousness and its chemical gateways, but not what I'm up to in my spare time...
Anyway, I psyched myself up all week for the event, and when the Saturday evening came, I left a little note on my desk explaining that if I was unlucky that night, the Quest had been worth it.
As soon as we entered the nightclub, we went upstairs to the dance floor. An immense room with drapes hanging off all walls, a screen with a permanent slide of Planet Earth on it and countless balloons floating all around.
Sitting in a corner of the stage, I was handed my 2/3 of a White Dove pill. I insisted on chewing it to taste it - I wanted some intimate contact with the substance I was about to share my mind with. Tasted awful. Very chemical. That made me laugh, especially looking at the face of my companion who had agreed to bite into it too. We washed the taste down with gulps from the traditional raver's water bottle, as our supplier explained to us a few of the basics and possible initial effects.
'If you feel funny, get up and dance.' she had said.
Sure enough, about 25 minutes later, I was feeling slightly uncomfortable. Stomach ? Mind ? I wasn't sure. From feeling quite talkative I went to being rather silent and reserved. So I got up and began to jiggle about. That felt a whole lot better.
I was soon joined by the other Ecstasy-newbie who commented that nothing was happening to her.
'I feel weird', I said.
'Keep dancing' our supplier repeated, she too waiting for her E to kick in.
Minutes later I experienced a rush to the head - I felt for a few seconds that I was really going to lose it, and had a vision of myself huddled in a corner, crying for hours. Damn, just my luck I thought, a bad trip on the first one. I literally felt as if my mind was going to black out. No way, I thought, no way. My dad talks WOsD propaganda and I'm not having a bad trip. I quickly searched for my companions on the stage and got closer to them. I danced more energetically, trying to get into the music.
Seconds later a most unbelievable surge of energy and gentle warmth rushed through my body. It was so brutally intense, all I could do for several minutes was inhale and let the breath come out as one long howl of indescriptible joy. Many around me joined in. It seemed as though half the stage was just hollering in joint ecstasy.
Ecstasy. The perfect word. No other could have described what I was experiencing right then and there. Beyond words. The entire message was contained in a scream and the most intense smile my face had displayed in ages.
Our supplier bounded up to us asking 'are you OK ? Have you eased up both of you ? You were rather tense'. I just grinned my face off.
'I feel like hugging everybody' I shouted.
'Then DO !' she yelled, flinging herself around my neck. Geez, that felt so GOOD ! Hugging was the most rewarding, comforting and uplifting experience ! This, for a person such as myself, usually quite conscious of personal space and physical contact with strangers, was a truly fascinating discovery.
The music too was surrounding me in trance-like comfort. The sound spoke to every nerve in my body. This is the synergy between dance, mind and rythmic signatures Terrence McKenna was on about, I thought. Wow. I could enjoy the 'Here and Now' - any time a thought of something unpleasant from the world would arise, I could look at it without stress, then gently push it out of my mind. It didn't matter that I had a project and exams. This state was pure, free, uninhibited.
Speaking to people in the chill-out room was bliss. I wanted everybody to be OK, I wanted to know their names, how many times they came here, what they were on... They were all so friendly.
One of them asked me 'You're all loved up, right ?'. I answered with the ecstatic grin. 'It's their first E' he was told. He then got up, opened his arms wide, and gave me a big hug. There was something so pure and brotherly about the whole atmosphere, it was overwhelming.
I noticed all the described effects : brighter lights and colours, increased physical energy yet great calm, strong empathy and forgiveness for agressive behaviour, merging with the music to a trance state...
'Beware of inappropriate emotional bonding', I had read. Damn, that's what held me back from interacting more fully with an unusually pretty girl who seemed to want to dance with me. As I noticed she was looking into my eyes and half turning to face me, I felt my heartbeat pound away. Another amazing wave of warmth shot up through my stomach to the top of my head. I felt my entire body vibrating with pleasure. I was on E and I was being turned on.
I just looked into her eyes. I was confused by the intensity of the attraction, and uncertain how much of this was real. I needed a nod from a friend to go ahead, or something like that.
The nod never came. But I learned something really valuable there. Several years ago I got screwed up by a strong bondage with a girl. She moved away, and sure enough some predator attracted by her beauty seduced her. Though she chucked him away fast, that was the end for us. I had never been able to start another relationship with a girl since. I would miss any cue girls would send out to me, or even turn away from them, frightened. That Saturday night, Ecstasy cleared me from this emotional hangup. On the way down, I became introspective and meditative, and figured out what had been inhibiting me from falling in love again. This made me feel a great weight had just left my conscience, and I shared this feeling with friends immediately. I was once more free to love.
Sounds dramatic, I know. But this realization was deep, complete and liberating. LSD had freed my mind from some of its shackles, Ecstasy was freeing my feelings.
There would be so much more to say. But if you've read this far, I won't abuse your patience.
What remains from the first experience is this emotional freedom, this feeling for Compassion (I now have a much better notion of what Buddha or Christ seemed to be preaching), and an increased ability to tune in to the structures and messages of music. On a more subtle level, I find it easier to initiate conversation with people and can cope better with aimless talk about this or that. I can also pick out almost anybody in a nightclub who is on E ! A real sharing and compassionate bunch - if a complete stranger happily offers you water, a spliff or a Vicks inhaler, I give you one guess as to what he's swallowed. Check the intense smile on his face, too.
I have had only two more experiences with Ecstasy since.
On one occasion I met a really interesting group on the dance floor, winding up back at their place smoking spliff and playing video games, with a good bed for the night ! It also confirmed the return of my ability to interact with girls without hangups.
On the second occasion, I had twenty minutes of deeply mystical feeling ('I feel I'm talking to Jesus' I told my friend - this being from an agnostic). I also had a blinding moment in which I felt intensely how deeply important my friends are to me and how far beyond ordinary bonds our friendship goes.
So for whoever is going to try Ecstasy : aside from the usual drink-lots-of-water-and-wear-loose-clothing advice, prepare for times of howling beauty and buzzing interactions. Remember you can look at personal problems in a warm detached manner and maybe solve emotional history problems. And prepare for the ultimate experiences in dancing.
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