Citation: Terry Farrah. "Solo Meanderings: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp2020)". Erowid.org. Jun 22, 2000. erowid.org/exp/2020
An Experience with MDMA by Terry Farrah
I always enjoy other people's descriptions of their drug experiences, so I thought I'd add mine. I wrote the following for a friend of mine who never takes recreational drugs. I had taken Ecstasy twice before, at music festivals, and noticed that it didn't seem to be a social drug for me. So last Sunday I decided to take it by myself. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I was housesitting near a lake.
I've been up since 4 this morning. While an Ecstasy high lasts only 4 or 5 hours, the amphetamine effect lasts for much longer. I went to bed around 10:30 and slept very lightly all night. Then I decided it would be good to be out in the morning. The sky was clear, and I hadn't been up for sunrise since winter. And I wanted to revisit some of the places I had been yesterday.
This coming down part is a bit of a rough road. Before I started yesterday I knew I'd feel lonely coming down. And I do. I thought that Eddie, the cat, would be of some comfort, but he's not much. And I can't think of anyone who wants a visit or a phone call at this hour on a Monday morning. When I have the 'speed' effect without the euphoria effect, the usual comforting activities don't work (food, sleep, lounging, reading).
And, although I'm glad I went walking this morning - it actually felt like that was the only option for me - revisiting yesterday's places was not particularly happy. Toward the end of my walk, a raven got really annoyed with me, and screamed at me for dozens of yards. Her voice was especially grating.
I think, though, that her voice was not a problem yesterday. Either that, or else she wasn't yelling at me. All the sounds of the afternoon formed a song. Birds, trees rustling, voices, and the ever-present bump-bump of the traffic on the I-90 bridge. It's as though each sound makes a lasting impression on my mind such that all the sounds blend. In fact, what seems to happen in general is that each sensory input is experienced for a longer moment than normal. So one's visual field seems bigger and richer. The movement of the leaves on the trees is like a dance. And the sounds make music.
I was out for 5-1/2 hours yesterday. I did chores around the house until I could feel the Ecstasy take effect. Then I suddenly had an urge to breathe in deeply, and the breath filled me up. I made sure the cat was outside, put a little money and my ID (with your emergency contact info!) in my windbreaker pocket, left the house and locked the door.
It's so funny that I thought I might write to you while I was tripping, because I became so absorbed in each moment that the last thing I wanted to do was walk back home and log in. I spent 5-1/2 hours within a 1-mile x 1/4-mile strip along Lake Washington. If I could have tripped longer, I could have spent days in that same area.
First I walked down to the lake. It was a sunny Sunday, and there were all kinds of people out. I felt so incredibly vulnerable, though. I knew that if I made eye contact with anyone, it would be for a longer moment than normal, and it would draw people toward me. I've experienced it before. So I averted my eyes from everyone. Finally I realized that I didn't want to be around people at all. So I turned and walked up through Colman Park.
Colman Park is just one block south of the house where I'm staying. It's mostly just a green space. But yesterday afternoon it was an infinite paradise. A road (Lake Washington Blvd.) winds through the park, but there is a footpath that cuts straight up the hill and tunnels under the Blvd. so that you don't have to walk on the road at all. Once I entered the first tunnel I felt this huge sense of relief. I was out of the sun, and I was away from all those people. All afternoon I continued to enjoy various senses of relief which often seemed all out of proportion to whatever discomfort I had been feeling. I mean, I wasn't enjoying being around all those people, but it wasn't awful. But somehow it felt absolutely exhilarating to be away from them.
My shoes were off. And my feet were already filthier than I ever let them get in normal life. When I'm on Ecstasy I feel like walking through everything - sand, puddles, mud, gravel - and I don't notice what it does to my feet. I just don't care. In fact, I have to be extra careful not to step on glass, because I might not notice if I were cut badly. I'd probably just enjoy the sensation of the warm blood oozing out.
After walking very slowly up this path, maybe 50 yards, I reached a very green spot. And there the peak of the high hit me. I stood in one spot for the longest time, staring up at the trees, swaying back and forth, turning my head in different directions, and listening to the song. I even had some mild hallucinogenic visual effects, where the swaying trees formed geometric patterns. And if I closed my eyes, I actually saw those psychadelic-type black and white checkerboard patterns moving all around. I didn't like that. I wanted to be in the real world. So I kept my eyes open.
There was another woman sitting in the grass about 50 feet away, but I felt safe with her. She was minding her own business, and I felt sure she'd let me mind mine. In fact, I think I enjoyed her presence.
I hugged some trees. They were delicious. I enjoyed the roughness of the bark.
Then I walked up some more. There is a P-patch further up the hill. There were people working in it. I walked very slowly through the patch. I enjoyed the earthy smell and the idea that people were helping things to grow there. The song was still playing. I was very high, even kind of lightheaded. I began to worry that I was getting dehydrated. It's easy to do that on Ecstasy, and some people have gotten very ill that way. And I hate to drink anyway, and never feel thirst. But I noticed that my mouth was dry, and that the sun felt hot. Well, there were all these faucets and garden hoses all around, so I felt secure. I just needed to find a way to drink from one of them. I didn't want to ask anyone to drink out of their hose. Finally I found a faucet without a hose on it, and I turned it on and drank. The water was hot. And after a few swallows I began to feel nauseous. But I felt that, having taking in a few sips, I could stop worrying about dehydrating for a while. Still, for the three or so hours that I was really high, I kept worrying about water. I should have brought a bottle with me. Everywhere I went, I kept looking for water to make sure I'd be OK.
But I loved the P-patch. I spent a long time there. Music.
Then I walked back down toward the water. I wasn't so very high, and I felt that I could stand being around people again. I walked and began to think about the people in my life. I had little imaginary chats with some of them, especially Elaine, Veronica, Claire, and my Dad. You know, I got my Dad a Father's Day card that said this: 'Dad, you're one of a kind!' Then inside, 'So if I turned out a little unusual, it's partly your fault!' Actually, it didn't say 'fault', it said something gentler than that, but I can't remember what it was. When I saw it I decided to buy it immediately. But as I was standing in the checkout line I had second thoughts. I thought it just might make my Dad feel bad. But I bought it and sent it anyway. So yesterday I had this imaginary conversation with my Dad, and I said, 'Dad, I didn't buy that card, you bought it! Why did you buy me such a crappy Father's Day card?'
Most of my thoughts about other people centered on the idea that I'm always taking responsibility for their feelings. I kept trying to turn that idea around. I said to Claire, 'Claire, what do you want from me? What are you trying to do to me?' Because mostly when I see people getting attracted to me, I think about how I'm doing them a disservice, and that's how I've been thinking about Claire.
But I didn't really get anywhere with this line of thought. I mean, I entertained myself by talking to all these people and giving them responsibility for things, but I wanted some insight, and I didn't get any. And then, this morning, I found my mind stuck in that rut, the rut of trying to figure out who's responsible in all my relationships. By this morning it wasn't entertaining anymore, it was boring and frustrating.
But yesterday it was at least entertaining. I thought of all the important people in my life and felt overwhelmed with them. I tried to imagine all of them (you included, Sandy) walking with me, or standing in a circle around me, and I couldn't do it. I could take them on only one at a time. I never had a long chat with you.
I thought about my future housemate, Heidi. I realized that I hadn't yet told you that I'm moving in with her. I felt that she and I were somehow destined to share the next part of our lives. And I felt how very scared I was at the prospect of moving in with someone new. I had a little chat with Heidi about it. What an intimate thing, to live with someone. I thought about how intimate it has been to live with Ron and Pat for 4-1/2 years. I've seen so much of their lives and of their marriage. I wonder sometimes if they'd like to hear what I've observed. I could maybe tell Ron.
Around twilight I found myself in the P-patch for the third time. I decided it was time to head home. I could feel that I was well on my way down. But I was still too high to concentrate on my bearings. I walked south from Colman Park, instead of north. This morning it seems so ridiculous, because this house is just one block north of the P-patch. But I walked probably 1/2 mile south. Not just once, but three times. I walked in a big circle three times! Can you imagine? By the third time I was afraid that people would notice what I was doing and start to worry about my sanity. I was down enough that I was starting to feel cold and tired. Finally I figured out how to get home.
I didn't think that I wanted to listen to my voice mail messages, but when I did, I found that I really enjoyed hearing people's voices. I tried calling a couple people back, but no answer. I got a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge, went to the upstairs bedroom, opened the window, pulled up the rocking chair, and rocked and sipped for a long time. It was hard to drink, but I felt sure that I needed to replenish my electrolytes. When I'm on Ecstasy I never feel like consuming anything, food or drink. It was by now 9:30. I took a warm shower, called the cat back in, worried that he wasn't answering, decided to sleep with the back door open so he could get in and out, and climbed into bed. Eddie came and snuggled with me after a while.
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