Citation: XBJ - 9000. "Torn Asunder: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (exp19119)". Erowid.org. Feb 28, 2007. erowid.org/exp/19119
Setting: Indoors, subdued lighting, laying on a big cushion. Friends in next room. No music, fairly quiet.
Set: Nervous about last experience (months ago), which was just strong enough to frighten me, I felt I just had to go back and see what I could discover. Nervous but not reluctant.
Personal Spirituality: Modern Satanist with strong interests in the nature of 'reality' and existence. My 'religion' is more a social and political philosophy than a faith, but it may be of interest to know this. I don't believe in any traditional theories about 'god' etc., but I don't feel it is within my human range to make conclusions about the 'soul' etc., and I do feel it is very possible that something 'spiritual' does exist in some way. I would have to say that my experience was spiritual, though I can't be sure that any of it was indeed 'real'. I mention this in order to give some idea about my beliefs, which may have been an influence on my experience.
The following is a paste of my notes used to help me remember the experience clearly. It is not written in chronological order, and may not be that informative, but it is the best I can do to explain what happened.
I was not in my body, nor was I in any body. I wasn't in an environment even, like not in this type of existence at all. I remember sort of the details, but more I remember how strong they were. The feelings I experienced weren’t really like any of the normal senses, but I have nothing else to compare them to. I was 'the real me', the me that is everything and everyone and every time. It was like I removed my 'virtual reality suite' and found that I am in fact something quite different from a human. But not just me, everyone. We're all the same entity. Crazy now I guess, but absolutely undeniable at the time.
I was scared that I wouldn't be able to return, and I didn't even know how I got there. So I shouted for help and had a weird struggle to get back with the help of my friend 'M.', who was also me. I was speaking in a drunk slurred fashion, and I was aware of this. I felt it would make 'M' fail to grasp the seriousness of the situation. I said something like 'oh no, I fucked up, help!'. I was trying to sit up, but it was impossible to even partially sit up without great effort. He told me to lay back down and get into it, but I said 'no, no, help me out of here..' He had my hands but wasn't going to pull me to my feet. I said 'help! drag me!' because I was just desperate for any type of activity in this dimension. I felt it would help me re-establish connection between my consciousness and my body. I think if it had taken me another minute to become scared, I would have been back to normal already.
I'm an interdimensional entity! So are you! You are me and 'I' am 'you'! We aren't 'real'! But it's fun to be 'here' none-the-less! I can't comprehend it while 'here', but while 'there' it all makes perfect sense.
It was very familiar somehow, like I was there a bunch of times already, but like I can't remember during normal consciousness. I think it's where 'I' am between death and birth. I felt I was basically dead already, and it was fine and felt good and 'divine' in a way, but I wanted my old life back so I can finish it.
Terror, bliss, panic, harmony, plastic, 2-dimensional, yet 3-dimensional, colors: red, orange, green. Plastic 2-dimensional colors, spinning, but not. Melting into my surroundings. Like being turned inside out being pulled through something I could feel like sandpaper but not really harsh. Dream material mixed with plastic 2D world. Brain hemispheres unable to communicate proper with each other. Things kind of different in each eye. I could only see this world in the center of my vision, all peripheral faded into 'elsewhere'. And even this world looked like flat plastic. I was 'there' instantly. I forgot how I got there. I thought it was the end of material existence, not just for me but for everyone since I am everyone. A presence(s). I just somehow, without words or whatever, knew that we are all the same huge/tiny thing, which is alone and without a material plane to exist in.
So 'we' split ourselves up into separate consciousnesses, which must remain unaware of their connection to function proper. Like a whole population of all types existing in imagination for the purpose of just having something besides nothingness. There's no 'good' or 'bad', because as a whole entity we enjoy all feeling and sensation just because it's there. We need to feel all possible things, be it with the senses or emotions. Nothing is REALLY here, because it's all just 'virtual' reality. We sense things as we do, but I was disconnected and could see that it's all just a matter of perception, and none of it is 'real' in the way we experience it, but rather it is all just pressed directly against 'nerves' and we feel it is real.
like, I hate the example, 'the Matrix'(sheesh), but nothing to do with computers as far as I could tell. I felt I would never be able to return to normal, even if I did get back into this dimension, because I couldn't see how I could function with this knowledge. But the knowledge faded and became less real, like a dream you're trying to remember. As long as I don't have to actually experience it, and my 'VR suit' is intact, I can know about it but not understand it as when it's going on. Our bodies may be real, but our 'souls' are also somewhere else, using our bodies remotely. Or perhaps I was just deep inside my own brain. This is how it was, but it wasn't like this at all.
Afterwards I was speechless. I was touching the solid objects in the house and thinking 'I just can't believe this is here!'. It was easier to imagine how nothing could exist than to fathom how or why anything at all could or would exist.
Please, be mega-careful with this plant. It is not a fun ride, but is of great interest to the scientist, spiritualist, or metaphysicist. It is NOT to be used casually, or as a ‘party drug’.
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