Citation: Vire. "My Brain on Auto-Pilot: An Experience with LSD & GBL (exp18217)". Erowid.org. Jul 21, 2005. erowid.org/exp/18217
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This experience that I am about to share marks the last time I take any kind of psychoactive, the reason is simple.
I've always been familiar with LSD and only had one bad trip out of around the 15-25 times I took acid. The bad trip was due to an unexpected trip, I was 14 and someone slipped me acid… to make a long story short: my favorite drug was, is acid.
Two of my friends and I had planned to take acid at my house a week in advance. (We usually never plan it, and it always ends up at the same place and the same setting, so we all thought it would be better to have a ‘new trip’ at my house.)
It was pouring rain and we had waited hours to get this stuff, by the time it had come we were so happy to have it that we each popped 3 tabs. (The 3 tabs were put into little gel capsules that we got from a pharmacy, so we did not have to endure the taste of the acid, and because we some how had a different onset when we did that that was much more desired.) We knew the tabs were strong but nothing prepared us (at least I wasn’t prepared) for the power of the acid we had taken.
I live in New York City and we decided to take a walk through the park (central park), it was late at night and I was hoping to be tripping by the time we got to my house, and while we were still in the park. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t happen that way. I actually started tripping around 11 pm or so and I know we took it at 10ish. My two friends started to trip before me, and I took them around Lincoln center (a big theatre, primarily for operas and what not) because it had cool fountains and trees to look at, along with beautiful sculptures with a well-lit scene in the center where the main fountain was. At first the trip's onset was extremely fun, I had a huge smile on my face, and I was filled with a mega burst of energy (as usual). However I knew something was wrong, I never hallucinated that hard before, I mean I have, but not that early into it, I was still coming up and I was coming up a little too strong.
It was cold out and my friends wanted to chill out a little at my house before we did anything else, because it was pretty strong for them as well. So we headed back to my house.
When we arrived I was totally bugging out - but in a good way, I was getting strong visuals and it was only about 11:45 pm. By this time how hard I was tripping was not on my mind, although normal tasks became ultra difficult (i.e. lighting my cigarette, taking off my wet clothes, and especially putting on dry ones). I noticed that my friends seemed to handle their trips a lot easier than how I was…it was also the first time I took 3 rather than my normal 2 and a half so I took that into account… I remember doing things like trying to play my guitar and forgetting how, and being completely entranced in the music that they were playing… I realized I was going to have a bad trip when I took a look at our current situation…
It was about 12:10 midnight and I was tripping already harder than I was ever before, I then realized that we haven’t reached our peak yet. It scared me because I had no control over anything I was doing… I couldn’t concentrate and I kept going into little fits of negative feelings about the night. (i.e. how I wish it wasn’t so strong, and how badly my house was becoming a total war zone because of my ape minded friends.) It’s not that I wanted the trip to stop, it’s that I wanted just to sit on my couch and bug out…which seemed to be the hardest thing to do (sit still)…
We started watching TV with no volume while listening to a few CDs, it was the first time that music sounded unwelcome to me while on acid…everything was irritating because my senses were too heightened.
It wasn’t going right at all, and I just wanted to chill out, because I still had what my friends and I call 'the jitters' it was pretty annoying…
I remember saying stuff like, ‘Man, I took too much’ and my friends replying, ‘Relax, it’s only going to get better’. I came to a realization then, that I didn’t want to trip anymore for a long time, or at least not as frequently, because the same reoccurring thoughts were running through my head with the same crowd of people around me… I also realized that there was very little money in my wallet compared to the amount I had before purchasing the acid and I was becoming more broke throughout the night because I prepared for the trip earlier by buying trip toys and what not.
It was about 1:30 and the trip had calmed down a little, but I was still having bad vibes about everything, about my own personality, and how I didn’t really want to trip anymore…there was nothing I could do. About a half hour later I was still sitting where I had been for about an hour, and I was hallucinating so bad that I was beginning to have a little fun. I got up and I felt everything out of place, and then the trip went sour again because I couldn’t think straight….by now I was like ‘Fuck it, I’ve got to calm down, I cant stop thinking negatively.’ Our motto was ‘think positive’ but the more I thought about positive stuff the more I thought about its negative counterparts…I was so pissed that I couldn’t control my thoughts that I asked one of my friends to let me smoke a little weed to calm me down… he packed me a bowl and I was about to take a hit and then I realized that if I took a hit, it would only make the effects more strong and I would just be more paranoid, so I turned it down, but nevertheless I was still desperate (but not freaking out) for something to calm me down.
My friend then offered me some GBL and I thought instantly ‘Oh, hell yeah I always feel good, and think good, and I am a lot more social,’ so I thought it would be a good idea…it was actually the worst decision I ever made.
I took it thinking I would calm down, but it actually fucked me up to the point where I went completely catatonic and I lost my mind totally… I’ll explain:
Upon consuming it I felt better, and awaited for the initial effects, knowing in my own mind that I did something good to save the night. It usually takes about 15 minutes for me to start feeling GHB and the 15 minutes that it took for the GBL to kick in I was getting re-dressed to go back outside. The reason was to get a new pack of cigarettes, because I was tripping too hard to find the others (which were in my pants pocket all along) my two friends were helping me out because I clearly was unable to get all my stuff together…the effects were starting to arise, but I wasn’t the one to notice, they were…
It’s been said a dozen times that I talk too much and I act a little cocky when the GHB first kicks in for me, and I was doing just that; running my mouth and insulting my friends…I had little control of what I was saying…
So let’s see what we have here:
- Total loss of ego
- Beginning to lose inhibitions
I didn’t know it at the time but I was slowly beginning to lose my personality. As the GHB kicked in, my self was checking out.
We got outside and proceeded to my local deli, where we got lost and ended up three avenues away to another deli… the whole time I was messing with my friends minds a little something that we call ‘mind fucking’ and it got a little out of hand, I actually convinced them that my whole life, and everything I do revolves around my cigarette addiction, and how even LSD contributes to it, and how I needed one to survive, so obviously they were bugging out.
They believed as much as I did that I was in a normal (let alone the acid in my brain) state of mind. I always had control when I tripped in the past. They had no idea that my consciousness was going straight out the window and neither did I.
It was at the time when we went into the deli when they realized there was something wrong with me; I was making it really obvious that I was out of my mind. The clerk thought I was drunk (nothing new for him, I'm sure he gets a lot of drunks on Saturday night around 2 am.) My friends lost control of me. At this point I am solely telling the story from what I remember, and what they told me when I came back to reality.
I remember only the crazy thoughts that were shooting through my brain at cosmic speeds… I thought everything possible all at once, and completely went catatonic… but not like any normal catatonic, more like the babbling nutcase that needed a hefty shot of thorazine, a straight jacket and a padded room.
I was merely hanging on to reality at that point, I was controlling my emotions like I had switches and levers that controlled my feeling…for example, I remember feeling emotions of love, and sadness and then I switched so fast to feelings of hate and vengeance, then to nostalgia and value. At that point they said I took my wallet out and threw twenty-dollar bills around while tearing some of them up. (I lost about 100 dollars) I threw my wallet in the street and took my boot off. I was out of it. The hallucinations were completely controlled as if I was god and I made anything I wanted. I made things disappear and re appear, I had no sense of danger until the last second (I was standing in the middle of the street and wouldn’t budge until a car nearly hit me at full speed.) At this point my friends had lost me, I was running around the streets screaming nonsense and picking fights with random people…I don’t remember if the people were real or not.
It all slowly came back to me when I found myself laying in a parking lot face forward wanting to die or fall into a deep sleep (not happening while I was still peaking on LSD) my friends, wallet and hat, and a few things I had in my pockets were all gone, and I was by myself. The thoughts are indescribable, but I made myself feel as though if were having sex, I felt it, but didn’t see it. I then began to have serious auditory hallucinations. I heard the sound of a grenade pin clicking off, and then a nuclear alarm ring, and then I thought I was lying on train tracks. The thought of danger then flew through my brain almost as fast as the other trillion thoughts and memories that I was thinking about. I just wanted to go to sleep and I believe it was the GHB that made me feel that way.
I then began to walk home, by pure instinct. So like a mindless zombie I made my way back home. No one was there, except for my sister who I kicked out of her bed to try and sleep in it. I remember thinking that my routine world was all a lie, as if I were the only being in the universe and everyone else was just a figment of my own imagination. I was completely nuts, and when I came out of it, I realized that the length of time that I was in that state was the length of time that GHB usually affects me (about 3 hours) so while the GHB was affecting me I was mumbling to myself, I remember urinating on myself on purpose because it seemed like a good idea at the time. My friends returned to my house completely worried, and they told me of what I was doing…I was still in the state of mind at the time, because everything they said to me, I repeated back to them in a barrage of mixed thoughts and complete insanity. They would say, ‘Are you alright?’ and I would say, ‘Alright? All right? Are you all right? Well I don’t know, shit if I know!!! All I know is mumble know? Know what? Know that you are all right? Maybe!’ I was nuts…
I came out of my crazy state and proceeded to make sense of the night with the little blips of memory, and what they were telling me. I felt like it was time to stop taking acid, because I felt that it is something that should be taken once in a while, I didn’t want to do it anymore because I felt like I have had enough…my friends still think otherwise, but I feel like I have made the right decision for my self. I still support acid, and any kind of mind-expanding drug, but I strongly advise those who use it to be careful with their decisions while on it. Even I who felt completely comfortable with acid messed up, and it will happen again someday if I am not careful. I should have just taken it easy and relaxed but I didn’t and I have learned a lot about myself that night. And I am happy for it.
That morning when the acid was wearing off, I found it incredibly hard to think straight. I slept for about 20 hours, woke up, and I stayed up for about 3 hours still without being able to think straight…sometime I found myself sitting down on my bed not thinking anything at all. Then I went back to sleep and it was Tuesday when I woke up. I actually went through so much mental strain that I couldn’t do anything physically or mentally other than sleep. So there you have it.
I haven’t even smoked weed since the incident, but it’s only been a few days since I had this experience, I’m just saying that I don’t think I will do anything anymore, I mean I have had my fair share of being a druggie, an E-tard, an acid head and a ‘drug addict’ so I figured it was time to stop and learn how to do other things. Maybe I will take acid in the future, but I know it will be completely planned out and I will not take anything else while I am on it. I will be more responsible than I ever was…right now I am just focusing on other hobbies.
You don’t want to lose your mind, it sucks.
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