Citation: lady lazarus. "Eye of the Beholder: An Experience with MDMA (exp181)". Erowid.org. Feb 14, 2001. erowid.org/exp/181
| T+ 1:30
here's a little bit of background that pertains to my tale... my dabbling in perception altering substances have been few & rather far between, consisting of 6 MDMA experiences & one rather unsettling LSD trip. i drink & smoke weed when the occasion permits, but not @ levels that seriously alter my reality. the main thing to bear in mind, dear reader, is that prior to the story that is about to unfold, i was a very depressed individual. i suffered from severe self esteem problems mostly centering around poor body image, & it had been interfering in my daily life for many years. w/ the aid of this wonderful empathogen, i was able to permanently change the way i perceive myself & the world, & consequently have been far happier in my life since this occurred. read on...
one night i had the wonderful good luck to run across 2 capsules of pure MDMA- 135 milligrams a piece of the good stuff, straight from the chemist, not cut w/ speed or anything else the way your average tablet of street E is. the two friends (D & J)i was w/ that night decided that it would be a good time for them to roll for the first time (D had a capsule of the same stuff i did, & J had a tablet of street E that was known to be strong but speedy) i agreed to roll w/ them, & sort of babysit them through the experience. in the past i'd never needed to take more than one tablet of E (approx. 125mgs of MDMA) to really feel it, so i thought that one of these capsules would work just fine. i passed out a multivitamin to my trip companions because i've found the magnesium in them stops jaw clench & eye jitters, & the vitamin C is good for you =) i took 400mg of advil for a headache, but i doubt that impacted my experience @ all.
9:30pm- down the hatch! we all down our respective pills w/ a grin & set off for a friend's house to relax & wait for them to hit.
10:00- J's E hits him suddenly, rocketing him to the peak almost instantly... his eyes are jittering around from the speediness of his tablet, but he's in heaven playing w/ ice cubes & hugging.
10:30- D & i are ~barely~ feeling the twinges of the come on, but he's feeling it more than i am
10:45- D beginning to come up noticeably, i'm still not really feeling it, & grow suspicious; was i cheated by the dealer? its NEVER taken this long for MDMA to affect me before!
11:00- i lose my patience & take the second capsule, wanting to be @ the same level as my companions.
11:15ish- time sort of gets lost around here... the come up i was feeling keeps growing & growing, sort of like a psychedelic snowball rolling down a mountain! i don't feel the sharp *peak* of street E, but rather this incredibly gentle but utterly irresistible wave of enhanced perception & sensation. i feel briefly guilty as i realize that D & J, who i'm supposed to be caring for, are supporting me between them as my head rolls around on my shoulders... they're engaged in deep conversation while i'm past the ability to verbalize & instead just lost in the tactile aspect of the drug.
i spend a good 3 hours floating in the grips of a ~VERY~ powerful plateau/peak, cuddling w/ my friends & silently absorbing their conversations, thrilled to know that they are getting something very meaningful out of this experience even if their 'trip-sitter' has melted into little more than a human pillow *grin*. by the time i'm 'down' enough to talk, they're both on the sleepy part of their come-downs, & so just sit smiling as i jabber & laugh to them about all the things that have occurred to me during the roll. after a lengthy & very uplifting conversation w/ them, we part ways & i return home, still WAY above baseline.
@ home i catch a glimpse of myself in my mirror, & this catalyzes some reaction deep inside of me. in my heightened state i see (for the first time) my own beauty! trivial though it sounds, it was a mind shattering realization for me, considering in the past mirrors had literally brought me to tears. in my previous experiences w/ MDMA i had always been struck w/ the exquisite beauty of my friends & surroundings, but i had never seen myself through that perceptual lens. i spend a good 2 hours writing down my personal revelations about myself while looking into a mirror, giggling & smiling ear to ear in sheer delight!
i finally fall asleep sometime before dawn, exhausted & ecstatic, & still nowhere near sober...
although my pupils had returned to their normal size (my pupils become EXTREMELY dilated while i'm under the influence of MDMA) & i wasn't feeling the physical 'roll' of the MDMA, i was still very affected by it until late afternoon/early evening the next day. i was quiet & subdued, but in the same state of heightened empathy i usually only experience during the peak of a roll. that night i finally returned to baseline, but w/ a wonderful feeling of peace w/ myself.
it has been over a week since this experience, & i still retain that wonderful sense of inner calm. my reflection greets me w/ a sly, almost mischievous smile now instead of a disparaging look of disgust, & the world seems a little brighter. i don't advocate looking for peace in a pill, & in fact i don't think that was where i ~really~ found it, but i do think everyone should be aware of the amazing effects that empathogens can have upon one's mind when the time is ripe for a change in how you view yourself & the world. blessed be.
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