Citation: sanosuke. "I've Ruined My Life: An Experience with LSD & Nitrous Oxide (exp17024)". Erowid.org. Jun 18, 2018. erowid.org/exp/17024
Currently Iím 21 years old... since I was 15 Iíve done I LOT of drugs... mostly lsd, speed, and E. Well one night changed my life forever and totally destroyed my ability to use drugs.
One night at a club I was on about 3 hits of good lsd... They brought out the nitrous balloons and not thinking about it I grabbed a balloon. Now luckily I was on a couch or I don't know what would have happened. Well here we go I inhaled... just as I started to let out the hit my vision swirled. I got struck by a terrible fear... It was like waves of evil deja vu. The swirling pattern started to take form into a single image the fear was increased but I couldn't do anything. All of a sudden I the pattern stopped and I saw what look sort of like an outline of a fetus or something like that and I heard a noise it sounded like it said 'UH OH' in a robotic video game sort of tone... the little fetus thing charge forward across the room and everything went RED. Now when I say red I mean my eyes were wide open and all I saw was a red a blank red screen. I was trapped and this pounding in my head was constant and wouldn't stop it pushed harder and harder and then I saw the figure again in the red screen. It was sitting like in the position I was sitting It was like I was looking at an outline of myself from several feet above. I then put my hands over my face and started to freak I could see the little fetus pattern bumping its head into a wall over and over and the sound electronic sound was bad and now it was repeating 'you fu**ed up' over and over and over with a strong beat pounding in my head. The fear was still strong as it felt I was trapped It was if my mind knew this was going to happen and was laughing at me I was in HELL. It was a constant wave of deja vu as if this is what happens when you OD and it is an endless hell. Slowly I tried to uncover my eyes I looked up and everything looked like a robot everyone was dancing in robotic movements. Still I was so scared I'm surprised I didn't have a stroke or something. I felt like I had to leave the club but I could see myself getting up and leaving in my head and I knew that I was trapped here. I finally managed to speak to my friend next to my and said 'I need to get the hell out of here' he said ok... but I couldn't move and he was so fucked up I think he forgot what I said a second later...For the next 30 min I sat there in fear as the nitrous faded away and the fear slowly left...
Now one year later there wasn't a day that passed I didn't think about that night but I thought it was just because of the mix of drugs and it wouldn't happen again. Well, If you thought that was the worst part of this story it gets worse... One night I decided to go to my friends and do some acid... now I usually took a lot of acid (like 6-8 hits) well for some reason I wanted to try 12 hits.
It was night time I took the acid my other friends just drank and smoked some mj. We were watching x-men and it hit me. A sudden wave of panic the same feeling I had gotten that night... in my head I thought 'OH SH*T' I jumped up and jumped out his window(we always use the window to get in and out of his house) and tried to puke. The fear started to set in then it happened... everywhere I looked it was the fetus now in a circular pattern. But now it was everywhere the universe around me was breathing this image and with this much acid it wasn't going away. Now Itís to much to write but I was stuck in a 12 hour nightmare of fear and If I didn't have a strong will I wouldíve killed myself.
About 2 years after that lsd nightmare I hadn't done any drugs and swore of lsd and nitrous forever. I still have nightmares of the experience sometimes as I dream I get the fear and start to fall into it... I feel trapped and I can't move... It is a terrible feeling but luckily these dreams a very rare...
Iv'e tried meditation and other things but this nightmare still remains with me every day of my life
Now that you have heard my story I just want to say I feel I have somehow killed a part of my soul I have wounded myself so deep that even 3 years after the first incident I still think about it daily. I feel I have ruined part of my existence forever and was scares me most is when I die I will be trapped in that endless void forever and all I can say is whoever is up there and takes us when we die.. Please have mercy on my soul...
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.