Citation: box. "Newly Connected, Newly Erotic: An Experience with MDMA (exp15976)". Erowid.org. Jul 14, 2002. erowid.org/exp/15976
||(pill / tablet)
My experience with MDMA has been limited as I adhere to a strict policy of moderation. I have had a half dozen experiences with the drug in the past 3 years, and I found last night that my experience with it has really come full circle. From my first experience as an epiphany enabling, life changing journey, to my most recent experience as an enhancement of all the physical and emotional trappings of lovemaking, nothing but the words awe and gratitude can describe my feelings for this drug.
In a simplistic sense MDMA has allowed me to re-mold myself. I have thrown away my original form, damned the cast it was made from, and was able to dismantle my ego for long enough to see my true motivations and limits. I was an ugly, hateful, terrified and unhappy person, I had no bond with any other soul, family or otherwise. I spent every waking sober hour in an anti-social, and ultimately isolated, state. Before my first experience with MDMA my only episodes of closeness, empathy and trust occurred when I was drunk. But what liquor could never do was enlighten me as to what it was that was missing from my psyche, it's power was only to numb, and when the liquor wore off, the fear and anger was back. This doesn't have to be the case with MDMA.
From a shell of a person, not even a human being really, I have become someone else, someone new and with an understanding of fulfillment. Last night the new me spent 6 hours completely connected and entangled with another soul. The new me has empathy, an ability to relate with people, an ability to not pre-judge people. Last night I made love until sunrise - I became something more than myself for hours at a time, I became a union, we shared each other and became a part of one another, completely connected. What was initially to be a merely tender and pleasureable evening of massaging and talking and fucking has become to me something of a symbol of my new self. Instead of the purely sensual and carnal nature of my plans, I inadvertently discovered a window into my new capabilities for love and sharing, respect, and ultimate pleasure.
The first time.
Both of us had been abused. She had been severely abused, neglected, gang raped, and molested. I had been pysically abused and neglected emotionally, and was generally cynical in my best moments. Betty and I were together, us against the world in a sense. Both of us had somehow overcome our demons enough to live respectful, positive lives, but shrouded in a contempt for most people. We could both live by the golden rule because we felt it was right, but yet we would walk down the street and hate anyone we chose for any reason. So then we were good people only in action, and something rotten permeated our psyche and thoughts.
Maybe because she was beautiful, artistic and outgoing, she was much more worldy and wise than I. While I spent my formative years isolated, with 'us against the world' friends, she spent her early adulthood traveling the country and clubbing. When Betty and I did MDMA for the first time together, we were 24, and we were children. It was my first time, though she was familiar with the drug.
At the time I didn't know about Dancesafe.org, but the word was that the pills we had were pure MDMA in tablet form. The pills were small but potent, possibly 105mg. We shared a downtown loft, a 1300 square foot shoebox with high ceilings and hardwood floors. Our modest bed was near a window, and street and city lights poured in at skewed angles to illuminate the exposed beams and art on the walls.
A mutual close friend, Will was there with us. We all had modest dinners much earlier in the evening and dropped one pill apiece at about 10pm.
We spent 20 minutes or so seated in the kitchen. Making smalltalk and biding our time. Eventually we moved to lie on the bed and look out at the city skyline, I stared at the edge of the ceiling. My first indication that the pill was working was a slight visual restlessness. Shadows and lights shimmered in a nearly imperceptible way, wherever there was contrast I could sense a pleasant, gentle vibration in the image. At first I was able to maintain my relaxation but only tentatively. Will was the first to give in to the MDMA and he almost immediately began 'unloading'. He started to tell us about things that were important to him but that he had never shared with us before. He felt very close and Betty welcomed him to come near us and relax with us, she was not feeling tremendously empathetic yet but she understood the drug and helped him along. I slowly became more rigid and nervous, I felt on the edge of panic. I looked at the same spot on the ceiling, watching it, trying to calm my mind and relax. I became more and more tense until my natural paranoia and anxiety took over and I felt severely uncomfortable with Will, at the way that he was sharing and sitting close. I tried to relate my anxiety and my sage, Betty, told me that I just had to let go and relax and that it was a normal thing that I was feeling. I could not let go of my anxiety, and now Betty was beginning to feel the empathetic and tactile affects of the drug herself. At that moment I felt different, alone, apart from them, and even more tense. Will suggested a backrub, though I had not yet given myself over to the pill and wasn't terribly keen on the idea. In some sense, or at some level, I must have been feeling some augmented empathy because out of some feeling of kinship I allowed this person who was currently terrifying me to give me a backrub. The backrub was hard and unpleasant and it seemed to only exacerbate my tension. I quietly pleaded to Betty that I wasn't feeling well and that I needed space. She understood and thankfully explained to Will in such a way as to not hurt his feelings that I was uncomfortable and that I needed to have some room to breathe. When they moved slightly away I got up and adjourned to the bathroom. I felt, as I walked toward the bathroom, that I was ready to shatter into a million pieces, that this anxiety and tension was going to be the end of me. I wanted to take a bath, close the bathroom door and be alone.
It was about an hour after dropping that I was headed toward the bathroom. Both Betty and Will talked quietly near the window and I entered the bathroom. When I closed the door and faced the mirror I saw something unexpected, something that changed the whole direction of my anxiety and tension - I saw myself in the mirror.
There is a self that is filtered through ego. There is the fat girl that stares back into the hollow face of the anorexic at the mirror, there is an ugly person staring back at the face of the beautiful person with no self esteem. Normally what I saw in the mirror was a hardened, brutish, ugly person. My eyes generally had a steely quality to them, smiles were nonexistant in my facial vocubulary. Crows feet gathered around my glaring eyes, continuously squinting to ward off the brightness of the world. But right at this moment, with the MDMA stripping away and temporarily removing my ego - I could see something truer to my self. I saw my face as it had been at 10, eyes of wonder and curiosity, my face had a more youthful appearance. It was like I had been transported back to a time that I could barely remember and only vaguely comprehend, a time when I was a free, energetic spirit.
Every perception in life is altered in thought by ego. A man walking down the street evokes an emotional response even though he is doing nothing more than just walking. A racist would see a black man walking down the street and maybe that racist would feel an emotion, anger, fear, disgust. Every experience has an emotional response catalogued right in there with it. My ego had been turning every stranger into an enemy, every friend into someone who could be mistreating me behind my back.
It was then, looking at that face, that innocence, that I realized the common root to the anger, apathy, sadness, and isolation.. Fear.
I did fall apart at that time. I burst into tears, alone in the bathroom. I collapsed under the weight of my hateful body and sat on the cold floor sobbing. A number of minutes later my love, my savior, Betty came in to check on me. We spent some time talking in the bathroom. I tried my best to explain to her, I tried to relate it, but it was too soon. I didn't understand it but I had already accepted it, what I felt, because it was truth.
There is no doubt in my mind, my sober, clear mind, that the epiphany was real. MDMA did not put any thoughts into my head. It did not alter my perception of reality, it only temporarily eliminated the stumbling blocks of my own fears and doubts. I could look at my past and reflect on events without filtering them through that same angry frightened ego. It genuinely allowed me to look at the world from a perspective of pure objectivity. I gained new insight into events, new respect for other people, new understanding of myself.
Speaking softly to Betty, touching her skin, she gently maneuvered me back into the loft. We lay on the bed, the three of us, and quietly talked. At first I didn't speak and merely listened. I crept closer and closer to Betty, caressing her soft body until I finally just sunk into the bed and completely relaxed. All of the beautiful and wondrous qualities that coalesced into Betty to this point had only ever entered my awareness peripherally. This woman I was deeply in love with for her beauty and her creativity and outgoing nature was seldom referenced in my mind as more than a fun partner, arm candy, a beautiful woman to ride for hours when I came home from work. Somehow, behind all the trappings of my ego, I had found a work of art in a woman even though my conscious mind had no capacity to appreciate it. Until now. Almost at a loss for words I tried to explain to her how much she really meant to me, how amazing she was. I couldn't, or didn't, admit to her [or maybe even myself at the time] that I had never truly appreciated her. Guilt over a 'harmless' lie about the identity of a former lover welled up and I confessed to her on the spot. I was caressing a person, I could finally see outside the sad little desert island of self.
About 3 hours after our first dose, I visited the neighbor who was conveniently our dealer, to acquire another 2 pills. Will and I split one and we gave the second full one to Betty.
These particular pills I have come to understand with more experience, were particularly tactile. I moved my hands over Betty's body, feeling all of her parts for the first time with this new skin and this new mind. The three of us in bed removed our shirts and Will and I on opposite sides of Betty gingerly caressed her stomach, thighs and breasts. I became aroused but instead of a selfish jealousy I wanted to share my beautiful girlfriend with my friend. I didn't want him to become intimate with her, but I wanted him to explore and appreciate her beautiful body. I asked her what she was comfortable with and she set limits on where his hands could roam. We kissed and my hands wandered until I found her engorged vagina, hot, and soft to the touch. She told me that she wouldn't be able to come because of the drug but I massaged her vulva and mons pubis because it gave her pleasure. Eventually I worked my finger in and out of her, curling in a 'come here' motion to massage her G spot, and massaged her clitoris with my other hand until unexpectedly Betty's gentle coos and moans of pleasure became a shuddering orgasm. Will was nibbling on her breast and I felt that I wanted to give everything I had to this woman, I wanted to pleasure her for eternity and make her understand through my offerings how amazing she was.
Though prior to this we had lay in bed talking and caressing for hours, the MDMA had not completely worn off. I prematurely suggested that we retire, and Will went to the other side of the loft to sleep on a futon and Betty and I continued, more intimately, cuddling. I entered her with ease and felt connected to her more profoundly than ever before. We made love for maybe an hour until I came to a weak, but satisfying, climax. I would have liked to sleep in that position, inside of her, but sleep would not come for hours.
Though a little more than a year later Betty and I amicably parted ways, I continue to value the insight and bond that I established on that night. Months later she and I dropped again by ourselves and spent the evening lovemaking, something I had not tried with another woman until last night.
Though I have always had a limitless sex drive, until MDMA I never evolved past the pure physical element of sexual intercourse. I became knowledgeable and aware of the human body and the human response, but at any deeper level than the physical I was a complete basketcase.
I have spent a few evenings rolling with friends, sharing intimate ideas without necessarily touching or being physically intimate. I have grown in ways of understanding and relating to people that confound me to this day. But every time I have rolled I have regretted not having physical contact. Someone soft and open to kiss, or massage, or make love to. I haven't been in a solid relationship since breaking up with Betty over a year ago, but I have shared myself with a number of women. Even in my more evolved state I can only completely give myself to someone if I am intimate with them, but the fact is that at least I CAN now give myself to someone. In this regard I can admit that MDMA is not a cure-all, it is not a mystical gateway to immediate new self awareness, but it definitely opens the floodgates.
I spent last night with a woman I respect and appreciate. The sex that she and I shared had always been excellent, but she was leaving town and we wanted more. So we took MDMA and explored eachother, held eachother, alternatively made love so slowly that our bodies never felt separated and so violently that we damaged the floor with the legs of the couch and the edge of the bed. My first climax after the first three hours was so intense that I recoiled from it. After collapsing sideways onto the bed I felt as if my whole body had collapsed in on itself, except for my head which was uncomfortably swollen. I had expected a diminished orgasm but this was the opposite. I can only relate that first orgasm to when a woman tells me that her orgasm was 'too intense' and crawls away and curls up until she can catch her breath. I may have even gasped the words 'too intense' and I truly felt as if this orgasm was the physical counterpart of the emotional epiphany I had years earlier. When I came, I gave my whole self, exploded, left my body and joined with hers in a massive and nearly painful ecstacy. Hours later, the effects of the drug waning, I reached another less emotionally intense orgasm.
Now I have come to the realization that MDMA has served my life in two distinct and beautiful ways -
Initially MDMA gave me the ability to love, appreciate, and respect other human beings. In the context of sex it made 'lovemaking' possible for the first time.
Now that it has given me that ability, untethered the ability really, I can revisit the drug to enhance that gift. I can use MDMA to remind and reassert the truths and connections I have found, through the physical act of augmented lovemaking, or through simply talking to a friend about issues that would otherwise remain shrouded.
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