Citation: Flashbacks. "Flashback Experience on E: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp15338)". Erowid.org. Jun 23, 2002. erowid.org/exp/15338
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Prior to my bad experience with e, I had 2 wonderful experiences. The first two experiences were self-discovery in who I am.
To descript myself before e, I was a very shy, lonesome, low self-esteem, and introverted person that was afraid to approach strangers and fellow college classmates to start small talks, ask questions about homework, etc. I never know who I was and always put on a false persona that everyone could see right through (I basically was not being myself and didn't understand what being myself meant). I wasn't 'keeping things real' with others so others didn't want to be around me. E taught me that with my false persona, I conditioned myself to not be liked by others as well as myself (I had low self-esteem and hated who I was).
After the first two experiences (I had white Ferraris), I was able to understand who I was. While on e, I was able to explore my inner self, evaluate my behavior with others, and found ways to improve my social skills. It changed myself from a shy person that would not even look at people when they try to say 'hi' to me to a person that would start small talks with complete strangers. At this point, I found e to be profoundly therapeutic in my self-improvement. With this in mind, I decided to drop E for a third time in the hope to be even more enlightened about social behavior and life.
One night, some friends and me were hanging out and one of them had a bunch of white hearts. Without hesitation, I drop one, 30 minutes later; I felt a coming up feeling. Physically, things felt like the first 2 experiences, but after 15 minutes or so it didn't feel the same. All of a sudden, memories, images, emotions, etc. started to pop out of my head. These were memories of experiences in the past that thought I never had. It came in trains, one after another and another and another. These were not good memories. They were shameful, embarrassing, humiliating, and uncontrollable experiences in life growing up that I had suppressed and never dealt with before.
For the next 4 hours, I felt as though I was the most worthless and miserable person on the face of the earth. Every bad experience that I ever had through life seemed like it just happened seconds ago. The image was so clear and so sharp that I was able to make out every little detail in the environment where the bad experiences took place. The worse thing aside from the clear images was the accompaniment of emotions associated with it. I felt sad, humiliated, shamed, scared, lonely, worthless, unmotivated, etc. You can name every negative human emotion there are, and I felt them all that night. For 4 hours, I felt them. It seemed like my mind was out of control. I couldn't think of one good thought even I when tried (and god knew I tried during that time).
The next day when I woke up, I felt like I been through hell. I felt so low and so worthless that I didn't want to get out of bed. I covered myself up with a blanket in the fetal position for half the day. When my roommate finally convinced me to get out of bed, I felt like had just came out of a nazi death camp or something. I was paranoid with my environment and the people around me. When I looked at certain people or certain things in my environment that was associated with my past bad experiences, the flashbacks would come back. I had hard times concentrating because of the flashbacks. I noticed that I had a lack of motivation and an extreme fear of going outside and meeting people (friends or strangers). I felt like an insect in the land of giants and I couldn't survive for I was so insignificant.
The flashbacks and emotions associated with it lasted for months but gradually faded away with time. This is something that I don't ever want to go through again. I wanted to die.
I think what made me survive through this experience was my curved towards spirituality. Even though I don't believe in God, during this time, I noticed that I was praying everyday. I prayed to God to be kind to me and not to punish me with these memories (some how I felt guilty and blame the experience on myself).
I have shared my experiences with my friends and families for it helped me to feel better. Aside from this, what I found what is helpful in having closure to past events is to forgive those that did bad things to you throughout your life. I not fully at peace with myself at this point but here is a warning when your think about dropping e:
There are many closed doors inside your head, some you want to keep permanently closed, and sometimes e can open these closed doors so be careful.
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