Citation: chaircontrol. "Life After Death: An Experience with Amphetamines (Dexedrine) & Caffeine (exp15288)". Erowid.org. Aug 19, 2005. erowid.org/exp/15288
This is the story of my experience with dexadrin. This drug is the most terrifying thing I have ever taken, for reasons you will soon know. I've taken Adderall before and I was not put through the living I hell I experienced. I do imagine, however, that it was the dosage which did it all to me. This is being written the same day that my trip has begun to subside. A mere three hours ago I was crying and trying to comfort myself. This is how I got here.
At 4 o clock on saturday, my girlfriend came over. Having recently acquired a supply of dexy from a friend, I decide I will take one while shes here so that way I could finally shake off 6 days of heavy construction work and little sleep. The pill kicked in at 445, 30 minutes after I took it. I began to feel more comfortable around her, because I've always felt like she was not someone I should be around. Even though we had a relationship, I never quite had the confidence to accept that I deserved her, and this was something the dexy allowed me to deal with. At roughly 515 or so, we began to make out. I do not know how long we stayed kissing, but I do know that what I felt was amazing. Being with her this time was more than I'd ever felt. Its like a tidal wave of happiness was trying to smother me and I allowed it to do its worse. As our making out became more intense, she climbed on top of me and we began grinding. I noticed something immediately. The dexy had completely impaired any ability I had of achieving an erection. Even though I was just overwhelmed with a deep sense of pleasure from being with her, I could not become sexually aroused.
As I worked around this problem, I noticed something else about 20 minutes after we started grinding. My stamina was nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt like I could go on for hours. I had a bottomless supply of energy to work with and it felt amazing. This continued for what felt like at least 6 or 7 hours. These '6 or 7 hours' were filled with such joy and pleasure and happiness that I could not explain it. Imagine being in the place you are most comfortable in with someone you are totally into. Multiply this feeling by several thousand and youll get a small taste of what I felt. I cant recall a time I've been happier. No matter how much I enjoyed this, I could not concentrate on it. Other things kept finding their way into my head, for example, what I could do with road signs and how to paint my walls along with ideas of how to reorganize my room. I was not happy that I could not concentrate on this but it was like all this pleasure was in the form of a cloud in my head and the only other thing was a circle of clarity full of other thoughts in my mind. The dexy allowed me to concentrate on this circle of clarity so well that although I was feeling both of the sensations of wonder and pleasure at once, they existed side by side but as though I was feeling each totally independent of one another. As though my mind's capabilities doubled and I could focus on both things at once.
I do not know how long some interruptions lasted, but I do know we stopped what we were doing at about 730. Only now did I notice that both of our shirts were soaked with sweat all over. It felt as though I had taken a shower in my clothes, but the energy provided by the dexy made me completely unaware of it. At this point, my parents were extremely suspicious that I was with my girlfriend locked up in my room for 3 hours. This would have usually panicked me, but the dexy enhanced my ability to think my way out of the situation, and I was extremely confident I could handle each and every question they may have given me. At this point, which was 8 o clock or so, johnny showed up. My girlfriend left at this time and I went with johnny to go a friends house to play music and sing.
I took my second 15mg dosage at 8 o clock, only four hours after my original dosage. I was still peaking when it kicked in. At the friends house, the music I would hear was so easy for me to understand. I knew what I was singing quickly and I understood it all and had no problem singing along. I was completely confident in my ability to sing and I was making it known. The dexy ended any shame I once had and replaced it with self-confidence. I felt like it could sing and sing and nothing would matter because my talent was enormous. Thats another thing that happened, my confidence took another boost. The original confidence I had after the first dosage mulitiplied exponentially. At 12 o clock, I though I had only been at the house for about 1 hour when it turned out it was 4 hours instead. My concept of time had faded away into a memory.
When I got home, I tried to sleep, but to no avail. I'd glance back at the clock everytime an hour passed in my head and the clock refused to move more than 10 or so minutes at a time. It was agonizing knowing my night would never end, so I kept myself busy. I reorganized my room in my head. I was thinking so clearly, I could see what I wanted where, I could change colors, replace things with stuff that didnt exist and I was able to do this all with ease. I didnt even feel as though I was putting too much effort into it. Next time I looked at the clock, it was 7am.
Although 6 hours had passed, I didnt notice. I realized I was tired for the first time since 4, and I decided to take another dexy. This meant I was still feeling the effect of the first, due to the second dosage's punch. This means I was feeling the effect of 45mg all at one time. I went to church at 830 and I was able to understand everything told to me for the first time. Each and everything made sense like it never had before. It was like I knew everything the priest was saying, but he simply put words to ideas I already had. After a shopping trip where I felt like the dexy was wearing off, I showed up back at my house at around 11 o clock and I began cleaning my house with energy I shouldnt have had. I did an hour and a half's worth of work in roughly 20 minutes. By 1130, everything in my room was spotless, so I decide to have a cup of tea. After my tea, I had a cup of coffee, made extra strength. Once that cup was done, I made another. By 1145, I had taken in the equivalent of about 4 cups of coffee. This did nothing good for my body.
I began shaking and my heart rate increased. What used to be a steady 80 rose rapidly to about 110 bpm. My concentration did not suffer one bit though. Keeping myself busy by either trying to lay down or walking in circles, I finally began talking to johnny at about 1. My concept of time is completely skewed because of what I was on, I am only piecing this together through chat logs. Johnny and I had one of the deepest conversations ever about life and what it means and what kind of lives people are living. My dexy was working in a way where when I'd explain an emotion, it would come over me like I couldnt imagine it would. I felt extreme sadness for my brothers who both have problems of their own relating to drugs. I decided that it was time I did something about it, but more on that later. At roughly 230. I went online and began reading up on different drugs. The dexy allowed me to read so quickly that nothing could keep me busy for too long. I read stories and facts about over 20 or 30 different substances in under an hour. It was all so easy to me. Reading was so fast and quick and what I read was easy to grasp. At 345, everything went downhill.
At 345, lsd piqued my curiousity. I read the story 'impossible to understand reality' by G.T. Currie and the experience was something words can not do justice to. I felt everything he did. My mind was processing everything so fast that I knew what he was going through. As I'd read a hallucination, it would all happen in real time to me, as though I had taken 2 and a half hits of powerful acid. Everything he described was felt and I saw what he did. From posters to running water, to people that I talked to, to the space time continuum, I saw it all. This terrified me more than anything I've ever felt before. The only way I can even come close to describe it is as though a dark cloak wrapped itself around me began smothering. My chest felt intense pressure from something that wasnt there and my head felt like it was ready to explode. I could almost feel my sanity being squeezed out. I began to cry uncontrollably. Imagine walking up to death and staring it straight in the face. Imagine the sheer terror that would come over. I felt this all and much much more. I did not believe I was going to die, I just felt like that was the only thing my mind could contemplate that was terrifying enough to fit my mood. The cloak squeezed tight and at 412, I told johnny to come to my house.
By 415, I knew several hours had passed since I told johnny to leave. I did not want to frighten her, but I got in contact with my girlfriend to hear her voice and have some comfort provided. When I heard her, the cloak began to lift itself up. I did not feel sheer terror anymore, just the knowledge that safety was coming to my aid. At 435, johnny showed up and I hung up the phone. From the time I hung up to the time I walked 20 feet down the hall and down 14 stairs to get to the door, the terror came back full force. I led johnny upstairs and began crying again. I told him what I was feeling and how I could not put it into words. It was amazing that something so horrible could be felt in such a short time. We went and got food because I realized I had not eaten since 1 o clock the day before. Thats another thing that dexy will do. I completely forgot to eat, much like adderall. I've gone 2 and a half days without so much as a glass of water while on adderall, and I could have done the same with the dexy. Once I was in the car and driving to denny's, I was feeling a bit better. I did not feel the terror anymore and I could think about what happened to me. At this time, it was 5 o clock.
From 4 pm saturday till 5pm sunday, I had lived through at least a week and a half. My body did not feel tired though. 45Mg can take ages to wear off, but even after the pill is done with, I am never quite the same. I got home at 6 and spoke to my brother about his drinking. I told him what I felt and what happened. He explained to me everything. My mind was working so fast that things became real. Its like I crossed the boundary between imagination and reality. This is something I can not do and remain unchanged. It is as I said before, I stared death or something even more terrifying straight in the face and walked away. I lived through what was possibly the most terror any human can ever feel. My views on life have changed as well. It has become something much more important than it ever was. I cannot imagine myself feeling hatred anymore because maybe what I felt was all the pain that hatred causes. I do believe my life will be different now. Theres no way I can go back to what I was, a happy and ignorant person.
For those of you considering trying dexadrin or Adderall or anything of that sort, be wary, its not something to be taken lightly. Had I not had someone to talk to, I know the agony would still be going. Its currently 815 of that same sunday that changed my life. The events of the past few days are something I wish never to repeat, and its something I would never wish upon anyone.
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