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Thinking About Suicide
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Glow_Chick
Citation:   Glow_Chick. "Thinking About Suicide: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp13886)". May 30, 2002.

1 tablet oral MDMA


It was new years eve and me and all my friends went to this 'supposed' kick ass party. when we got there the first thing my boyfriend did was take some acid. That was the worst decision of my boyfriend's life. The guy he got it from had it in a breath mint bottle and he squeezed about 10 drops (unexpectedly) on my boyfriend's tongue. [Erowid Note: Never allow anyone to drop liquid acid directly onto your tongue unless you are prepared to receive accidental or intentionally huge doses. Experienced individuals drip onto their hand and lick off drops to prevent absurd accidents.] About 10 minutes later he was feeling pretty shitty. I was pissed because we hadn't found any ecstasy yet. I had previously had a great experience with ecstasy and was very excited to do it again.

About an hour into my boyfriend's trip, he started to get really weird. He was rolling around on the floor and kept asking if 'trouble' was a word. I wasn't too worried at this point because he had done the same thing last New years but only with shrooms. I happened to look over and see a guy dealing some X. I immediatly asked if he had anymore and I bought one pill from him.

I took the pill (it was a candy cane) and in about 20 minutes I started to feel the effects. I was talking to my friend T (that's what I'll call him) and some girl that he had just met while my boyfriend was rolling around on the floor. I was feeling the normal effects from the pill. Then the DJ started to play real hardcore shit. One of the things I remember him saying was 'It's the year 2002 so go kill yourself!' That's not a good thing to hear when you've just started to roll. I started to feel like eveyryone that was walking toward me was going to yell at me or that everyone was talking about me.

At this point I wanted to get away from this room. I wanted to go for a walk. I tried to get my boyfriend to stand but he was really tripping hardcore. He ended up falling on the floor and drooling. He even hit me at one point. He really wanted to get away from me. This one girl kept asking if he was ok and I kept saying yes. Her boyfriend went to get us some water. In the meantime I started to puke. My boyfriend left me and wondered into the crowd. I got the water from this girl's boyfriend and she offered to help me find my friends. We walk around a little and I finally found T. He helped me find my boyfriend. I finally found him sitting alone with his head down. I still don't know to this day what he did in that half an hour that we couldn't find him.

I sat down next to my boyfriend and that's when things really started to get bad for me. My boyfriend kept saying my name and I kept asking 'what' but he wouldn't answer. I didn't want to talk to anyone but yet I still wanted my friends by me. Occasionally I would see one of my friends walk by and I would look at them but I couldn't get myself to smile. I kept wanting to close my eyes but then again I felt totally awake. I wanted to cry but I wanted to laugh.

And then a thought came over me that had never come over me before. I wanted to die!! It was the most scariest feelings ever. I never want to feel like that again. I kept thinking that I was in the lowest place before death. The feeling was so horrible it is unexplainable. I felt like that for about 2 hours. I kept having to drink water too. I felt like if I didn't drink water I would puke again or die. Finally my boyfriend came out of his trip and was normal again.

We walked around and saw our other friends J and P. J was rolling for his first time and he looked horrible. He didn't have anything to chew on and he desperatly needed water. That made me feel even worse. We got away from them and I started to feel better, almost totally better, until my boyfriend started to yell at me because he wanted ecstasy. By this time it was 3:00 so everyone was dry. He left me sitting on the floor and I felt like I was going to cry. I also felt like I was going to die because I was around all the 'evil' people that were going to yell at me.

The outcome of this party was my boyfriend never found any X and we coulnd't get our car started. P finally got it started because he had this 'magical' feeling from the acid he had previously took. He did get it started on his first try and we were off on our 4 hour drive back home. I kept having the feeling that I couldn't live without water the whole ride home and i kept feeling sick and I still had the feeling that I was going to die. We finally made it home and I went to my boyfriend's house because I also kept feeling that if I wasn't with him I would die. When we arrived at his house he started to cry. I had never seen him cry before and we had been together for a year and a half. I started to cry with him and we let all our fears and troubles out. I eventually went home that night but the next 9 months were horrible.....

I know this story is long and it drags on and probably doesn't make much sense but the moral of it is: respect the drug you are taking and don't take it for granted like I did. I thought that ecstasy was the greatest drug ever and it would never make me have a bad trip. Boy was I wrong. Also if someone you love and care about is having a bad trip, chances are if you take a hallucinogen you will have a bad trip also. At least that's what I learned from the whole experience.

As for the next nine monthes, I felt that I NEEDED water or else I would get physically sick and I occasionally felt the urge to committ suicide. I had never in my life ever thought about suicide before that night but I thought about it after that experience. It's been 2 years since then and I don't need water anymore ( I know that probably sounds really weird) I never feel the urge to commit suicide anymore and me and my boyfriend have sworn off acid forever. I did ecstasy with my boyfriend after that night but only once and I was very afraid. But this time I made sure that I respected it and wasn't with someone that made me uncomfortable or scared. I hope that at least one person learns something from this or can relate to how I felt.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 13886
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: May 30, 2002Views: 9,563
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MDMA (3) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6)

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