Citation: geesh. "Being Myself Isn't Having Something to Say: An Experience with MDMA (exp13413)". Erowid.org. Jul 16, 2002. erowid.org/exp/13413
I have suffered from modertately to possibly severe social anxiety throughout my whole life. And in the past 1 and a half years I have turned to drugs/weed for a solution, although I never saw myself doing for that reason at the time. It has been 12 days since I last smoked, the longest time in about a year, and 4 days since I last took a drug of any sort, which was ecstacy.
I had bought 2 capsules of approx 110mg pure mdma and took one of them 2 days prior to this experience and had a decent, normal roll. The next day I snorted about 20 mg of the remaining capsule and felt noticeable stimulated for an hour and a half. The next day I decided to take the rest of the remainging capsule, knowing that I would not roll that hard, but still have a significant experience.
I was alone in my house and my parents had just gone to sleep. About a 25 minutes after dropping I felt the first alerts. I was rolling a not very hard, but rolling by 45 minutes into it. I didn't do much but sit and chat on the compueter, but then all of a sudden I started a thought chain in my head, about my depression and social anxiety. My whole life I have been fairly quiet in crowds and experience intense anxiety when I would try to talk or think of something to say. People would always tell me 'just be yourself and your thoughts will come to you'. I never understood the meaning of that until now.
I interpreted that as 'when i am normal, I will talk like everyone else was'. That was my problem, that is not the meaning. I came to my big realization 'being myself isn't having something to say; it's understanding that I have nothing to say'. After I realized this I was speechless and Ok with it for the first time in my life. I just started crying, and continued to do so for about 15 minutes, just streaming tears. I had never experienced anything like that feeling in my life, it was quite possibly the most significant thing that has ever happened to me.
The rest of the trip was amazing, I thought about so many different things and came up with an entirely new outlook on life. The next day at school one of my good friends came up to me and said 'what's wrong?'. She said that I looked different, too peaceful to not be on some drug or another, which she thought must have been the case. Everyone says that I walk around with a different look on my face now, not the constant anxiety-ruled expression I usually have. I have finally come to terms with myself and can accept myself for the person I really am.
I am now beginning to meditate and am considering adopting the ideas of Buddhism into my everyday life. E has changed the way I live, I never even want to do drugs again, with the exception of psychadelics which I want to use for spiritual purposes. I realized how much I have been lying to myself about my drug addiction and about many other parts of my life. Thank you MDMA!
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