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Light and Darkness
Methylphenidate
by Neko
Citation:   Neko. "Light and Darkness: An Experience with Methylphenidate (exp12481)". Erowid.org. Mar 28, 2007. erowid.org/exp/12481

 
DOSE:
  repeated   Pharms - Methylphenidate (pill / tablet)
BODY WEIGHT: 130 lb
My first experience with Ritalin was when I was about 16. My father ran a group home for the Children's Aid, and several of the kids there were on Ritalin. One time I was offered some, and thought I'd give it a try. I took 30mg and it had quite a pleasant effect: increased concentration, wakefulness, impoved attention span etc. I remember playing a baseball game on the SNES with my foster brother for several hours, just getting a runner caught between the bases and trying to get him out over and over again. I did Ritalin with them a few more times over the next few months, culminating with us downing a whole bottle in one night with me taking about 16 tablets at once.

We couldn't shut up, we stayed up all night talking about anything and everything, and chilling to Led Zeppelin. We went to be around 6 am, but I didn't fall asleep for several hours. When I woke up, my entire body was completely numb and I was scared shitless. I went and took a shower, and couldnt even feel the water on my body. This lasted a few hours, I went back to sleep and woke up in the late afternoon feeling fine. I would not touch Ritalin again for many years.

This, however, was not the end of my time with Ritalin. To get you up to speed, I must first tell you a few things about myself. I am 24 years old and suffer from chronic depression and social anxiety disorder. Over the past year I've battled a severe drinking problem which I've pretty much overcome, while I still drink, I haven't drank to the point of drunkness since summer. My psychological problems, as well as my alcohol problems, landed me in the mental hospital twice, for a month each, over the late spring and summer. I'd tried many, many different antidepressants and antipsychotics, but to no avail. Then I remembered the Ritalin. I felt good when I was on Ritalin. I told my doctor that I tried some of a friend's Ritalin years ago and it made me feel better. He immediately put me on it.

As I was in the nuthouse at the time, my Ritalin was given to me by the nurses and I had no control over it, but of course this changed when I got out. I liked the feeling it gave me, and I wanted more. At first I started taking one extra pill, then two. Then I read on the Internet that you could get high from snorting it, so I started doing that, and have now been doing it on and off for the last few months.

And I'll be the first to tell you, snorting Ritalin feels GREAT. My normal dose is to take 3 orally, then when that kicks in, snort one. Then two hours after I popped the three, I'll pop another two. Then I'll snort one every hour until I decide to go to bed. So when I use, I generally start around 8:00pm, finish around 1:00-2:00am, and go to bed around 4:00-5:00am. Sometimes I dose and then hang out with friends (who don't know I dose), but I find it more enjoyable to dose alone and stay up all night on the computer listening to music. It's become something of a ritual for me, and on a day I'm going to be using, I look forward to it all day.

Aside from my drinking problem, nicotene addiction, and a possible caffeine addiction, I've never been a big drug user. I've smoked pot less than ten times in my life, don't really enjoy it, and that's it for my drug use, so I don't have much to compare Ritalin to. But it's like this: the key things are the same as others have reported and are the same as most people have on a normal dose of Ritalin: increased concentration, focus, wakefulness etc, but I also experience something profound, which is hard to describe, and why I'm descending into drug addiction.

It could be described as 'euphoria', but to me that is basically a catch-all term for feeling good. It could be described as contentment, but that dosen't cut it, either. The best way to describe it is to say that I become one with the things I love to do while on Ritalin: listen to music, chat on the Internet, and read. I become 'one' with the music, it dosen't even matter what I'm listening to, music just becomes infinitely more enjoyable and meaningful. Conversations on the Internet take on a whole new meaning. I don't chat much online and 90% of the chatting I've done has been under the influence of either alcohol or Ritalin, but when I'm on Ritalin, the conversations are almost as good as face-to-face conversations, and I often have quite deep ones about philosophy, religion, etc. When reading, I absorb information better and more quickly, and can read about pretty much anything without tiring of it. I've stayed up all night on Ritalin reading about Ritalin, and now I'm up at night writing about Ritalin.

For me, Ritalin is a very spiritual experience, and I'm not a very spiritual person. It makes me feel great, it makes me think better, and it gives me energy. It makes me forget my problems. It makes me more content than I've ever been in my life.

So far I've painted a rather rosy picture of Ritalin, and this is not my intention. Despite all the enjoyment Ritalin has given me over the past few months, I feel I will pay a huge price if I don't stop abusing it. It started off as something I did every once in a while, now I am snorting Ritalin most nights when I have it. I have stolen Ritalin from my father's house when I've run out. It has become my key, and pretty much my only, source of pleasure in life.

That wonderful high is always followed by a terrible crash, and I often end up lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep, feeling my heart pound and telling myself I never should have touched the stuff. But I always end up coming back to it. Am I addicted? I don't know. I had to go a week without it, as I ran out, and didn't suffer without it or anything, but I did look forward to it all week. When I finally got it, I had an overwhelming desire to snort some and felt a great relief when I did. I must admit, I'm getting scared. I don't think I can stop abusing Ritalin. I also am afraid of ending up in the nuthouse. I think I'd try hard drugs like cocaine if given the opportunity when I never would have considered it before. It's changing me, and I don't think for the better.

I realize this is getting very long-winded and boring, and I could go on for hours (mainly because I'm on Ritalin right now), but I will sum this up. Ritalin feels good. I think it feels fantastic, and it's not the most dangerous or addictive drug out there. I've gotten in more trouble (and nearly been killed on a few occasions) with alcohol, but I have a feeling that I may be getting myself into very deep trouble with Ritalin.

It's common, it's legal, and it's given to children, so people may think that it's safe. Ritalin is a very powerful psychotropic drug, and it has the potential to destroy lives. Millions of people take Ritalin every day and aren't harmed by it (although even this is debatable), and I'm sure some people use it recreationally and have no problems. It's not my place to tell anyone what to put in their bodies, and taking Ritalin is certianly pleasurable, at least to me.

I for one wish I'd never touched the stuff.

Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 12481
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 28, 2007Views: 23,540
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Pharms - Methylphenidate (114) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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