DOSE:

17 mg

oral

4-HO-MET

(gel tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

57 kg

Setting: My bedroom in my hometown

Much has happened since writing up this experience with 4 HO MET [two weeks ago], appearing to be one of many seeds to which my life has blossomed in unexpected directions, for some brief condensed conscious background: I started a new job which has brought about a growing help to myself, and those around me by giving help to others, but most importantly I have fallen in Love. For almost a decade I have not allowed myself the chance to surrender and commit to another person, I was afraid to be totally seen, to be vulnerable over time. I was in a state of constant inadequacy, unhappy with who I was in the present, thus having an inescapable need to focus on bettering myself alone. A time of tremendous growth, exploring my psyche, making the unconscious conscious or so I say, to find the truth of the present, bringing more awareness with words through psychoanalysis, journaling, and living in my words free without a relationship, as I previously felt restricted by being with another. Quite simply I was not ready, I was in a cocoon. This has all changed, the cocoon has broken open, I am now with the loveliest, sweetest, most amazing person I have ever met.

Within a month of this psychedelic trip, I experienced my first bout of love sickness, of truly missing another, my body, physically was compelled to reach out to my best friend, and soon to be lover, confessing my love for her. I have known her eight years, but felt it wasn’t right, or didn’t have the ability to surrender. I didn’t take many psychedelics during this time, I had the same issues plaguing me. During the last few years, I started taking psychedelics again, albeit very infrequently, after leaving existential analysis influenced by R.D Laing, Heidegger, continental philosophy, and Freudian psycho-analytic theory. Despite having a profound change, I yearned for a certain mystic religious intensity that psychedelics gave me access to, a yearly trip I felt needing attending to.

I had been preparing myself for the consumption of this very special tryptamine for a few weeks now, one I hold very dear to my heart. A history of home, seems to be connected with 4 HO MET, symbolically, and literally, trying for the first time at the age of seventeen in this very home, that I now find myself in again. From the very moment I felt its effects, became sacred, and worthy of love, and admiration. I took the tryptamine frequently from the age of seventeen to nineteen. To summarise, I was greeted with self-love, magic, and all the positives I could possible imagine, Metocin embodied a profoundly visual, stunning, and sometimes terrifyingly beautiful altered space, where I bathed in the glory of mystical joy, love, and laughter with the absolute present. A memory embodying these very words floods in, I recall a time where I took it at a festival at the age of seventeen. I sat on a hill ove looking the stage from a distance with my then girlfriend at the time, with an incredible musical performance from a number of electronic artists playing away. I was overcome with love, transformed from within, a profound serenity, presence, a state of purity and a freedom from self analysis, tension, and pain. I felt this was the state I was always meant to be in, a homecoming.

From the first moment I got my first 250mg, I wanted to share this entheogen with all those around me, quickly becoming a favourite around the clientele and my dearest friends at school, with stories spreading around with what an incredible entheogen this was. I bought grams and grams of this stuff, spreading it around, funding my lifestyle, record collection, and music equipment at the time. An obsession with the state unfolded, despite seemingly being able to live in it for a few years, the days of youth crumbled after the years went by, the negatives of seeking to stay in this state appeared, the breaking of a certain tainted sight, a grand shift where suffering, pain, the weight and state of the world was inescapable, analysis paralysis, negative self talk, issues with reality and dreaming, being overly self conscious, a plunge into the darkness, I found another particular lens. I had to see the dark side of life for growth.

In the last eight years, during the first four I completely stopped my use of psychedelics, using dissociative drugs only, and very sparingly, and in the second half I began using psychedelics again but also very sparingly, if only the odd time per year at musical events, or in sparing solo adventures. I’d moved on, sobriety was much more interesting than these states, they had no longer stayed a part of my main interests but slowly the itch was felt again in the last year. I had to scratch it. Maybe it is one of desiring nostalgia, to return to a state I know to be true. A magic space. Metocin consistently gave me access here, despite being able to live its awareness in moments of my daily life sometimes I need it’s reminding. I want to know if it is still there, if I can exist in it again. Maybe it is nostalgia for a time, or maybe it is for the nourishment, or simply to take a break from me, or just ritual, or boredom, addiction, escapism, desiring fantasy, love, curiosity, or just having fun, maybe none of these, or all. Here is a report of my first return, to see if there is still magic to be found here.

10.30am - Day began with my first visit to a dental hygienist greeted by a lovely German man, who proceed to clean my teeth with hard precision and good humour. A cacophony of sounds, drills, scraping of my teeth, the taste of blood, the sweet German voice, bright lights, my screams, murmurs, gargles, saliva leaking down my face, each element filling the room, with one sound dominating, Handel’s water music. Perfectly sound tracking a painful, but joyous affair, as my teeth were cleaned for the first time since my teenage years. Once finished, I did nothing more but thank him endlessly for such a fantastic experience, he was smitten by my reaction, telling each other it had made our week. He blushed like strawberry jam in his white lab coat, the contrast radiating through and out into the clinical space.

11.00am - I leave feeling vitalised and awake, I walk home listening to Chopin, and Debussy, lost in dreaming about what could possibly happen when I take the Metocin, the day was ripe for consumption.

12.00pm - I eat a light lunch of leftover stir fry noodle I had made the day before, my recipe being perfected each time in the process, with yesterday being a highlight.

13.27pm - After careful consideration, today is my most certainly the day to bring a back an important entheogen of my early youth, to be soaked in me again after almost a decade interlude.

13.43pm - I stare at the gel tab containing 25mg, I cut the piece into the thirds, I feel nervous, as should be the case, asking myself the question, why am I doing this? Solid Air by John Martyn plays in the background, my last psychedelic consumption was around 35ug of LSD at a rave a few weeks ago.

13.57pm - I take around 17mg of 4 HO MET, I have nothing to do but surrender to the moment in this time of my life. I pick up my Larrivee dreadnought acoustic, distracting myself from my choice, three minutes later my hands are sweating, I am thinking that in my consumption, I am looking to satisfy my obsession today, so I can stop thinking about them, it could be a time to say goodbye to these psychedelics in my thought process, I guess they’ve become a habit in my head to think about.

14.03pm - My vision seems clearer, my hands sweat, a taste in my mouth contains. Putting on ‘So Much More’ by Beth Orton, I only immersed myself in her work two weeks ago , despite hearing her voice through the Chemical Brothers in my early teens. I sensed something would pull me in. She has a phenomenal voice, that paints pictures, glides me along.

14.08 pm - I sense a slight intoxication, my state is seemingly warming, I burp, something is changing slowly, I turn my phone off, as I do not want any disturbances during the next few hours of my time in my room, I will not leave till after the experience. My inner world is calm, I put on Svefn-g-englar, by Sigur Ros, for the first time I am curious to what it means, a quick google search, “angels of sleep”, what a gorgeous suitable meaning, the refrain sung ‘tju’ is the traditional sound made in Icelandic to comfort babies, a celestial lullaby. I look at the time

It is 14.17 pm

All I currently feel is some tremors, and a growing thirst, apparent stoning, my thought process is clear, nothing has been affected yet, I feel very much in my body, the contours of the room, seem to be effecting in colour, it is coming on, I am remembering what this is, some fears, and worry appear, the recurring and endless thought many of us go through, what have I done, I accept this and take a step back, putting on “I believe in You” by Talk Talk. I have not been in an altered state in a long time, I can do nothing but let it come over. I close my eyes, my hands sweat. It does feel to be a masturbatory experience, self-obsessed, especially in terms of writing, and concentrating how I am, I wonder where it will go from here.

It seems to be coming on strong, my hands tremble and shake, I remember ordinary awareness, and my love for it, and the conflict and clarity that comes with the state. Totally forgotten what it is to be under the influence of a psychedelic, and find peace in it, I don’t like to lose control anymore. I disconnect from the internet, and break away from my phone.

14.35pm - Nothing seems to be progressing at this point, very clear in my thought process as if I am still here, but I can feel a very strong body high, strong euphoria emerging, I couldn’t do this often, you were right to be concerned, and weary of only doing it in certain moments.

14.40pm - I begin to feel incredible intoxicated, I allow myself to become cosy, and my body relaxes, I give myself permission to feel the way I do, I stare at my bed, shaking, my eyes flutter, sighing with a weight, I get under the cover, fizzing with emotion, I remove all of my clothes, and lay with my sweaty hair on the pillow, sensing the moisture on my neck, lost in the melancholy haze of songs.

14.44pm - thoughts are clear, but with an extremely strong body high, shudders of euphoria, stimulation increasing with tension, there is some nausea, I feel the need to push my hands around, distracting myself from the sickness, I sit naked on my bed, moving my arms around, at this point I have no idea what was in store for me, the growing intensity is beyond any visible horizon, but I have arrived on the ocean beach, with my naked body in the shallow waters of the ocean Metocin.

Listening to music that makes me feel good in this place, that happens to be the same music I listen to in ordinary awareness, just part of my palette, I smile for the first time, after such a nervous bumpy ride here.

14.53pm – I am comfortable, and snuggly in bed, the music is slowing down, the visual field is undergoing an intensification, every object has begun to animate, alive, drifting, shifting, I stare off my bed to the floor for what felt like a very long time, gazing down to the wood grain, it shifts rapidly, with depths expanding before my eyes, I am utterly stunned, my eyes roll frequently, there is a MDMA like effect to my alteration, it is washed in euphoria.I breathe heavily, noticing how heavily intoxicated I am. I spend some time gazing at objects and the floor as it drifts, melts, shifts dramatically with colour, I am amazed. The bed is my vessel, and the floor a liquifying stream, I am totally transforming.

15.00pm - for the next 45 minutes, I am lost in a labyrinth of thoughts, gazing out in all directions, ideas of certainty dissolve, the walls fill with water, I can do nothing but be submerged, I can do nothing but surrender myself, I could do nothing but lose myself, I do not want to do more hurt to the world, I am overcome with reverie, I am blinded by the fluctuating visuals, and perceptional effects. My wooden shelving units, and desks are all shrinking, and enlarging. The room has expanded. I get up to look in the mirror, I quiver, my pupils are heavily dilated, I feel a sense of otherness at myself. There is a sense of my outline swaying in size. I fear my intoxication. I lay back down again losing myself in the music of Laraaji’s Day of Radiance. Here in the mist I cannot find a moment that does not change, every second is filled with all encompassing perceptional effects, and thoughts, to ground myself in the chaos I attempt to find an anchor, a word which suddenly causes a freeing presence is eternity, I find I am anchored in eternity.

15.44pm - I am constantly overcome with waves of extreme psychedelia, I put on “A Storm in Heaven” by The Verve, the seriousness of the last forty five minutes, breaks into laughter, pushed through my nostrils, mouth, my flesh of my face smooths, I take a breath from the depths of the water, bathed by the lysergic guitar wash of the piece “Beautiful Mind”, smiling to myself, ever so content to be in my body. We all need a guider for this place of eternity, after being lost in an endless ambience of Iasos, lost in my thoughts, the structure of sentences, phrases, and poetic musings of Ashcroft, give me back a sense of time, he takes my hand here, and guides me through. I can see why people like music with lyrics, the singer, takes their hand out to the audience, the listeners, gives people a narrative to orient themselves in this chaotic, unstructured, infinite, expansive time between birth and death. Being a singer myself, I tune into this idea for myself, embodying it, acting it, I drink the water, and close my eyes, and speak me in this eternal sphere. Let’s hold hands, can I hold your hand, can you take my hand. To push the imagination to form new narratives, weaving new paths into the infinite, I see as the goal to any human.

I dance on my bed, listening to “Already there” by The Verve

I have gone to the ocean garden
Where tides swung me by
The heat of a sun, melting time
Each word I write bends the space I am in
But anchored in the infinite bliss

Nurturing my own creative force
An awareness that creates this experience
Water trickles in every moment
Euphoria in that it takes everything with it
Lost as if nothing else is there
Bends you to the point where it is lost

Euphoria in forgetting you, I glide on the water like bedroom, looking up at the sun, it’s just me, the water, the sun, enclosed in my expansive room. I am reaching invigorating celestial states. It is a revelation in the pool of my bedroom, all four walls bending to an ocean. There is an aquatic mysticism in the air, I sense myself exhaling moisture of the sea. I recall the word baptism, this is what this is. The water flows, washing away the self conscious suffering and analysis, a purification process, immersing myself deeper into the water world of Metocin.

I look for the first time, with laughter at how incredible this all is, that I am having an experience of this significance, I stretch my arms to air, and thank the universe for what is happening to me, grateful, and appreciative of myself, I love you, I tell myself, to live with yourself through the waves, love moving through waves, travelling through the ocean, to accept yourself in totality within the state, I sing, I sing with my heart, love gets me through, I think of each person I know, the web that has held me, love gets me through the storm.

I lay there pondering the nature of things, thinking about every one of my friends, about what they would be like going through an experience like this, why some wouldn’t embark on these adventures, and what it says about them, what makes people seek these, and makes other turn away, dissecting their personality, each aspect falling into the pool with me, as they all fall, I find myself alone, certain phrases someone has said to me recently echos, to get caught on the vinyl record, looping, this torments me, which has been the case for the last few months. In my pains of life, fallen into my so called mediocrity, here I take a break, in my aloneness, I suddenly turn the music off, and left in a profound state of existential dread. Thinking of my aloneness, it is sobering, I ache at this, I close my eyes, holding this for what seems like eternity, before turning the music back on, and dissolving into the rippling water room.

From here on I am lost in fluctuating visions, and sensations, I have lost a sense of who I am, what have I taken, I don’t know how long I have been in this place, simply lost in the reverie of nothingness. The visuals sway back and fourth, rippling outward into the ocean room, every piece of me in dissolving into the water, everything echos and flutters before disappearing, every word has lost it’s solidity, liquified into the water, memories, impressions, each one losing the impression of a larger meaning.

17.00pm - I come back and realise what has happened, I attempt to read what was left on my laptop, and I don’t understand any of it, it is here that I realise I’d lost my sense of subjective identity, I spend the next half an hour, returning to some coherency, remembering how to read again, I remember the word ego and me, how to say my name, and what things mean again, my life world was dissolved into a flowing wave of eternity, and awareness, something fixed, lost into my surroundings, with no comprehension to the world outside of me. I begin to emerge with greater clarity. I remember thinking about the singer guiding me through a storm in an ocean, I can see it now, a guider in eternity, who can be anchored in eternity, and bring forth meaning from the pool of endless awareness, and nothingness.
In the sea of change
I dissolved into the water
Cleansing my awareness
Stripping away every thought and meaning contained within me during this moment in time

17.28pm - I am in a zen like state, listening to “Alone in Kyoto” by Air, the very building blocks of reality had been brought down, and have now started to remerge again, I read wiki entries on ego loss, my subjectivity is returning, I cannot even describe it as it goes beyond words, astonished by reality, that this is life, that this could be the case, that our sense of reality could be totally taken away.

17.53pm - I feel like a rock star, listening through Adrianne Lenker’s “Bright Future”, a stunning album, my sense of self returns, I make friends with me, bathing in an afterglow, alive and awaken, no words describe, clean teeth and clean soul, wings on my body, I tell myself to keep this warm secret for myself, it was for me.

For a moment
I rode the ocean waves
And landed on a beach
Bathed by the orange lamp by my side and within me
Feeling contentment & Love

I am just content to be alive, and me again. A fire and fever is upon me, convincing me I can be anything, channelling the joy of being alive, after my return to my human body and identity, I was star bathing, I have returned on my journey through an ocean of constellations. Metocin is a serious psychedelic, despite having taken many others from the same family, like 4 ACO DMT, 4 HO DMT, 4 HO DET, 4 HO MIPT, I think they all have the potential for deepness, and all the talk of 4 HO MET being light or recreational just seems plain wrong to me.

19-20.40pm - I leave my cocoon for the first time, nervous to take the first step, and speak to my older brother who is in his room, who knows what have I done. I emerge, and tell him would you like to make food, he says yes, for the next hour and half, it was needed to just take a break from everything, cook delicious food, and enjoy time with my brother. I do not mention anything that has happened, and if anything I feel a greater sense of humility, with no need to tell people of my experience, even though I will posting it online at some point… simply enjoying my time on earth with my family member was all I wanted. No need for anything else, or discussion, it was for the state, vitality, experience, to feel a beautiful embodied mind.

20.40pm - There is an all-consuming mist outside the window, I step outside into the cool evening air, for my first stroll outside since this morning, pulled towards the sea, I make my way there, the world is enlarged, dynamic, with the space between all objects enlarged, thick in beauty, words echo in my thoughts, holding them, carrying them within, to be collected, spoken through the air to others. The cherry trees scattered across the road down to the sea greet me in regular intervals, petals fresh, swaying in the evening wind. A religious fever is upon me.

With my arrival to the beach, can’t help but feel a tear come down, what was once an imaginative hallucination, is now in front of me in all its sublimity, and physicality, I stand by my own with nothing but the breeze of the ocean waves, and sounds of shingle dancing, scattering across the boulders, a mist coats me, there is not a person in sight for miles around me

Wind blows my hair
Anchored in my reality
Walking the promenade alone
With tears in my eyes of joy

9.45pm - There is a swimming pool open, along the promenade, I look through the large oval windows, there are small groups enjoying each other’s company in the water, adults, alive with Joy, existing in. I leave them with a smile.

I walk the promenade freely with abandon, still no one in sight but me on this Thursday evening, in East Sussex, I push the envelope open on my own terms, I decide to sit still on a stone wall, gaze out to the sea with no music, my legs hanging to the shingled beach, the sound of waves, a lyrical cacophony, water, rocks, and cars driving with speed, a lady passes me by, she walks up to a point by me before turning back towards me and away from me (Sorry I might have seemed scary), red lights follow the line of the sea horizon in the distance, circular notes hovering across the dark, the end, my heart is sent around, sending my orbit in all directions, I love you all, goodbye sea, I leave and make my way home.

On my walk I reflect on certain aspects of the tryptamine, I find there is an exoticism to Metocin, it seems to take me away to a fantasy world, the knowing landscape I am in becomes ever more distant but curious, distinct details emerge, magnified and vivid, with an amplification of colour unlike any other psychedelic I have tried. Every aspect of the street is still enhanced, shop window colours radiate, the contours of the road, every building has taken on an ornate quality or their decoration has been amplified and brought out for my eyes to see. My sight is exceptionally clear, letting in every detail of colour possible, and colours not seen, or there.

10.30pm - Upon arrival the serenity I feel is immense, so embedded in my body, and world, I play chess with my brother for an hour, where I felt a concentration seize me, just an orange light baths us, I happily won, but what a game. I go upstairs back to my bedroom in utter peace, I light three candles in the middle of my room, I can hear nothing but my own heartbeat, a radiance fills the room, sent of vanilla, and cinnamon. Exquisite, deluxe, glorious, I forget how challenging the psychedelic experience is, I believe everything, the enhancement, and profundity of the present in all its detail. Lay back in my bed, reading one Story from a collection of stories from Denton Welch, before going to sleep. Night.

Looking onwards, my time of continuous psychedelic use is seemingly over, I no longer want to stay in that state, or anything resembling a regular habit in that dissolved state of no ego, no identity, despite freedom from the suffering of human life, I currently find it can lack the very things that make life worth living, the human, the relationships with others, the ego, the stories, narratives. Despite the very occasional or yearly use I will subject myself in the future, for now, the voice, the words, of stories, the human song, feels more important, than a place with no humans. Saying this, I do love experiencing these states on special occasions, or experiencing it in other forms, through music, sport, art, being in nature, I will just flow between them. It is part of a healthy life. I don’t want to keep forgetting myself, because my identity is also a place where things tend to matter, even when it is painful, difficult, or troubling. I will dance through all the emotions, and states, from heaven to hell, from the cosmos, skies, the gardens, deserts to the cold shining blue pools of the caverns beneath.

Despite my opposing words to the psychedelic experience, this is just where I am at in my journey, I am not trying to be dismissive. Just what I think based on where I have arrived in life. However, there is something about my experience of locking myself in my room, and taking 4 HO MET, that was akin to being in a sweat lodge, to go within and find further instruction, seeking purification, and mystical change, and healing. I know nothing or have never been to a sweat lodge but have developed an interest. I get a sense of my own inner path, and it’s journey with words, chemicals, mentors, and interactions over time, aiding me in my growth as a human being, and to where I go next. I know this feeling and state becomes covered over, it needs attending to access, and live in again. Since then my entire life has transformed, love, and good work has flowed into my life, I am within it’s current, the effects of this tryptamine are still felt to this very moment.

I did find that the 4 HO MET is still the amazing entheogen I remember, nothing has changed, it has the magic. Allowing me in this particular time to reach a place to break free of narrative and story, to a spotless mind. Since the experience almost a year on, my life has completely changed for the better, I am no longer fixed in the life I was prior to the experience, I have a loving, amazing girlfriend (I love you), I have a job. Who I am is not taken so seriously, I just flow, and breathe easier. The experience has kindled a new appreciation for psychedelics again, and an interest in ideas of baptism, religion and psychedelics.

The experience was one of going inside for the experience of a youthful joy, love, wonder, and one of reflecting on what an incredible entheogen it really is. I actually can’t believe it. One of life’s greatest experiences, reaching a state of perfection for a moment, as if everything is the way it should be. It channels joy, love, laughter, and wonder out of you like no other psychedelic I have tried. These states of joy, love and sweet wonder ring on in my daily life, what a gift. What would happen if you took it out of me, and I never got to experienced it, my life would be a little less rich, has it de-routed me, I went for home outside in a powder which brings about a certain altered state, and normal awareness was never home again, till I went on a path through words to be home again, which is the present in all my sobriety. How wonderful. How strange and peculiar. All of this seems to me to be an attempt to put the inexpressible in words maybe. I find 4 HO MET to be one of the greatest psychedelics I have tried so far in my life.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118903
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Aug 10, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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4-HO-MET (436) : Alone (16), Personal Preparation (45), Music Discussion (22), Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1)