DOSE:

repeated

insufflated

Cocaine

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

Cocaine, Revisited

So it’s been a few weeks since I did what responsible adults do and nurtured a cocaine habit. I forget the specific justification, only that it involved being more productive and more engaged in school. The funny little lies we addicts tell ourselves are not to be trifled with.

Several sleepless nights and psychotic episodes later, I thought it apt to make something out of it and recount my experience with cocaine, past and present.

I was prompted to write this as several doses of cocaine were leaving my system on the drive home, when I was overcome with a profound awareness of the world around me. Driving down the highway, it was truly a beautiful sight. From the big picture to the minutiae of the blue sky reflecting off of the still-wet storm drain, breathtaking. It reminds me of one of cocaine’s primary effects: it shifts awareness inward. For me, when I “do things,” there is an ever-present, if sometimes unnoticed, connection to the world around me. In an instant, upon taking cocaine, this connection is severed and I am all that’s left. It makes once-enjoyable tasks like working on homework or cooking somehow difficult and foggy. I simply don’t feel integrated.

I think it was different in the past, when I was less self-aware. I was content to spend my nights at the local pub with my friends, doing lines in the back where no one could see us. We carved our names into that table, but they’ve since replaced it. It may not be a fair comparison, as my primary objective back then was to do cocaine, and nothing more. At any rate, cocaine kills. It pains me immensely to have been having a genuine interaction with a friend and then, upon insufflation, my ability to connect is lost and algorithmic responses are all I have to offer.

Please take it to heart when I say, the best part of the cocaine high is the comedown. It’s like traveling a big circle only to discover what you were missing was in front of you the whole time .

Now, of course, there is more to the story. I would be remiss not to mention the lethargy and mental cravings that follow in the days after cessation. And the oh-so-sweet relief from these pains when the decision to acquire more cocaine is made, followed by a deep longing to not be on cocaine as soon as the first line has passed through the tooter. Truly exquisite.

In the spirit of cocaine and all of its doings, I will now consume it and continue my thoughts. So of course don’t feel compelled to read them!

I racked three lines onto my phone screen. It has some superficial cracks in it, and the cocaine gets stuck in there sometimes. Habitual use has created persistent rose-colored mucus when I blow my nose. I imagine it will darken if I dare to go farther. Aside from my newfound desire to “catalog”, the second thing to come forth is my awareness that I, in fact, have a sexual organ. This is really more of a personal problem, but stimulants awaken sexual deviancy in me to the utmost degree. I wonder how different my life would be were it not for the crippling fixation with my penis every time I take a stimulant. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

Once I was more attuned to the numbing effect cocaine has, but with time the nose becomes permanently numb, and the effect somewhat fades into the background. Accompanied with this observation is a slight euphoria. To be honest, I have a better time from a cup of tea when I’m not caffeine tolerant. Caffeine doesn’t rip me from the world in the same way cocaine does.

3 minutes. Another line has been consumed. There is a marked increase in chest tightness, and my extremities, particularly my hands, are becoming more tense. I noticed in class this morning that cocaine consumption made me unable to write letters their normal size, they were small and borderline illegible. Keep in mind, I am also running on a day of essentially no sleep.

The change is rather remarkable. It’s all I, I, I. Typically at this point the psychosis sets in. Once the initial “rush” wears off, if sufficient quantities have been consumed, my senses are alert and tuned to what’s happening out there. With cocaine, it’s typically limited to auditory hallucinations and associated delusions, unless I’m being really bad.

Every time after consuming cocaine, I’m left with this feeling of “now what?” Aside from sex, I can’t see it being too useful. It has gotten me through the day today, but it gives back half of what it takes away. It’s much like nicotine in that sense, down to the style of craving. It is very easy to convince myself that the voice in my head wanting for more really is me. Cocaine can be quite insidious in that way.

At this time, I do not have the stomach for the third line. The psychosis is starting to set in.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118397
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Sep 17, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Cocaine (13) : Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1), Alone (16)