DOSE:

150 mg

oral

MDMA

(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

65 kg

My first MDMA experience was by far the best drug experience in my life. It worked in a very therapeutic way combined with unconditional love towards everything, including myself. Most of this report aims to be objective and fails to encapsulate the whole feeling of the experience properly. The timeline section is where you will find the most “human” and “holistic” re-telling of the experience.

## Biometrics ##
Sex: Male
Age: 19
Weight: 65 kg

## History ##
Previously tried drugs: Caffeine, Alcohol, Nicotine, Cannabis
Experience with drugs prior to this experience: A little
Prior experience with this drug: None

## Dosage ##
Drug: MDMA (Crystals)
Dose: 150 mg
Ingestion form: Oral
Source: Street dealer
Tested with: Marquis and Mandelin reagents, and fentanyl strip

## Physical ##
Prior sleep schedule (~1 week prior)
Average bedtime: Unknown
Sleep consistency: Poor
Sleep time the night before ingestion: Unknown
Sleep quality the night before ingestion: Unknown

Prior food habits (~2-3 days prior)
Food consumption consistency: Unknown
Food quality and variety: Unknown
Time since last meal before ingestion: Unknown

Prior living conditions (~2-5 days prior)
Physical activity: Unknown
Mentally straining activity: Unknown
Known or potential mental or physical illnesses
No physical illnesses.
ADHD and a brief history of mild depression
Suicide, depression and ADHD history present in family up to 3 generations

## Setting ##
Place familiarity: Medium
Tidiness: Good
People present (including self): 2
Changing settings during experience: None

## Description ##
This experience was done together with one of my closest friends in the living room of his flat. The living room was tiny (probably around 8 square meters) and underground with a small window at the top of one wall. There was a sofa, a cheap TV, a small stereo sound system and a small table. We also had a single blanket and 2 sofa pillows.

## Headspace ##
Values ~1 week prior
General stress: Medium
Self-esteem: OK
Happiness: OK

## Values at time of ingestion ##
General stress: Low
Self-esteem: OK
Excitement: High
Happiness: Poor
Anxiety: None

## Timeline ##
# Preparation
I measured and prepared the MDMA by mixing it into a glass of water. I took 150mg and my friend took 100mg. I was slightly hesitant to take the MDMA because I was in a rather bad mood, feeling quite empty with little energy and a little sad. I was in the middle of a rocky part of a developing relationship with a girl. I had prepared for a long time though and was excited to take the MDMA, so I went for it anyway. We took it around 3PM (15:00).

T+00:00: The MDMA water had an intense taste of bitter old socks, but it was luckily diluted by the water. Still not pleasant, but I can imagine taking it “raw” would be horrendous. My friend and I looked at each other after finishing our glasses, smiled at each other and just said “So then we wait”. We put on some lo-fi music and sat quietly together at each end of the sofa. I laid with a blanket covering me.

T+00:15: I had started feeling very tired and could have fallen asleep. My friend still felt nothing.

T+00:30: Quite rapidly (over just a minute or two), I started feeling an unconditional love and happiness growing from within my chest. I felt more aware of my own body and all the emptiness from earlier had started to disappear. My heart rate had also started to elevate slightly, but more noticeably it became much harder. I could hear every heartbeat in my head and feel it in my chest. The excitement of feeling the effects woke me up, so I no longer felt tired.

T+00:40: My heart was pounding really hard now, I could feel the pulse in my whole body. My eyes vibrated intensely side-to-side if I just let them “zone out” at something (I actually retained the ability to do this with my eyes several years after the experience). My pupils were apparently super dilated. I was still not feeling the full effects of the euphoria, and I felt very present and “sober”, albeit filled with "happy energy". I noticed that this situation could have been stressful if I had anxiety or were afraid of the drug. I trusted the drug however, and embraced the sensation of my hard pulse and intense eye vibration with excitement and happiness. I felt like a young kid waiting to open up presents from under the christmas tree; I was so ready for this. My friend was still feeling nothing.

T+00:50: The effects were coming full on now. My whole body was filled with unconditional love and appreciation for everything, and all I wanted to do was to hug my friend and provide the happiest and safest environment for him ever. Even during the high though I was clear-minded enough to ask for consent to hug him. He was still not feeling anything and was not comfortable with physical touch yet, since I seemed very “intense” (tense and fast movements, wide eyes, talking fast). I ended up sitting on the ground with my elbows planted in the sofa next to my friend, and my head in my hands, just looking at him with the greatest smile, waiting for him to feel the effects of the MDMA and told him he could hug me whenever he felt like it. He was playing the do-i-feel-it-or-do-i-not game, periodically saying “oh, I think I’m feeling it now!.... Maybe… or maybe not”, all while I was just watching him. I had never felt so selfless before in my entire life. It was like watching your own child saying how they feel about some happy first-time experience with something, and all you can think of is how happy you are for your child to experience those things for the first time.

T+01:15: My friend had just started feeling the effects and said we could hug. We held around each other, sitting on the sofa, with the lo-fi music in the background just enjoying the moment while talking about the effects we were experiencing. The music created an aura similar to how music in meditation or yoga lessons create a “transcendental aura". Although the main attraction of the trip was my empathy towards everything, especially my friend, the music fulfilled the experience like spices fulfill the missing piece of an amazing dish. While we were holding each other, the music was holding us, creating a safe space of unconditional love.

At some point we realized that we had never properly hugged like this before. Why don’t guys hug each other more often? We swore together that after this day we would start hugging our friends every time we met. (We actually did end up hugging each other more for a few weeks after the experience.) Touching things in general felt much nicer too. I could compare it to the feeling I get when I receive a massage and feel like I can relax and stay there forever.

T+01:30: My friend started feeling the effects fully and said that he understood why I seemed so intense earlier. He had mistaken the intense interest I had for him for a sexual drive for his body, and not him as a person. This sparked a long discussion about how women must feel when men sexualize them for their bodies. It was very easy, almost inevitable, to discuss deep topics, because now we cared so intensely about them, that any social filters were irrelevant. We could talk about deep insecurities about each other and only feel love and appreciation for bringing it up. I had never felt so hooked and understanding for the people of whatever topic we spoke about.

I experienced almost no visual changes, but my friend said that specific colours became more vibrant and that he could barely make out ancient-mythology-like figures when he looked into the ceiling.

T+02:00: At this point we were non-sexually cuddling each other on the sofa. The effects were still as intense now, but we had gotten very comfortable with the effects. In a weird non-romantic way, it felt like me and my friend were a couple in a relationship (I’m straight). I would do anything for him out of love and expected nothing back except unconditional love. In this state we continued to just cuddle, stroke each other’s hair and talk about our insecurities and the world.

T+05:00: Time went extremely fast. What felt like 15 minutes was 3 hours, and we were still feeling the effects. I had first now noticed that I had been clenching my jaw as hard as I could when I wasn’t talking. The unconditional happiness and energy had started to dissipate at this point, but we continued cuddling and talking.

T+06:00: The intense high was mostly gone now, but the jaw clenching prevailed. We took a chewing gum to have something else to do than clench our jaws, but that just made it even more tiring. We had stopped cuddling now and were talking lightly about the experience before I prepared to leave. During the high I wanted to sleep over at my friend’s place and share the bed with him. Now that the effect was dissipating however, I realized that it would feel very uncomfortable and that I wouldn’t feel “safe” in the same way as when I lay down in my own bed. Since then, I’ve made myself a rule that I will always end any intense drug-experience in a place I feel completely safe and calm, such as alone in my room.

T+07:00: It was a little hard to pinpoint exactly when the effects completely finished, but it was somewhere around the 7 hour mark that I would say I felt probably 95% sober. The jaw clenching was the last effect to fully go away. I was still feeling an “after-glow” effect of hope and happiness.

## After-effects ##
I felt the “after-glow” effect for another two days after the experience and never felt a sliver of sadness or depression as I had heard was common. I felt like I had learned a valuable lesson that I should hug my friends more often and appreciate them more. In the end, my friend and I summarized the experience as “15 years of therapy condensed into 3 hours”.

## Effects ##
Sociability: High
Energy: High
Euphoria: High
Introspectiveness: Medium
Nausea: None
Dissociation: None
Anxiety: Low
Sensory enhancement: Medium
Cognitive intensity: Low
Libido: None

## Other ##
Eye-jittering, really strong heartbeat, urge to talk

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 118362
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Dec 27, 2024	Views: Not Supported
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MDMA (3) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)