DOSE:			Pharmaceuticals	(daily)
	10 mg	oral	Pharms - Fluoxetine	(daily)
	300 mg	oral	Pharms - Trazodone	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

Because I had severe lung scarring already, when I caught COVID in 2022 for the first time my primary care physician felt that I should take Paxlovid to avoid hospitalization. I also have Bipolar I disorder, so my recent intentional psychonautic journeys have been limited by my psychiatric medications.

My pharmacist, after consulting with both my primary care doctor and my psychiatrist, told me to adjust my medications a certain way. Because I was experiencing extreme "COVID brain fog" at the time the prescription was written, I trusted what he said and didn't do my own due diligence in checking interactions.

What I've learned since is that the best way to check for interactions to Paxlovid is to instead check for interactions with Norvir, the "booster" part of the combination EUA drug that is mostly responsible for the many, many drug interactions associated with Paxlovid use.

On the 4th day of Paxlovid, I began having increasing anxiety, edginess, and irritability. I attributed this to the fact I was also prescribed a steroid dosepak and steroids often set off mania and albuterol nebulizer treatments. I stopped doing the nebulizers because by then the virus was mostly over the worst bit (my O2 sats had finally risen from the high 80s to mid 90s that morning without neb), but the sense of anxiety and inability to sleep was still increasing.

On the 5th day (a Sunday) I was in a state of such overwhelming panic (manifesting as fearing that I might be entering a full-blown manic) that I contacted my pdoc through the on-call to ask what he felt I should do, because I wouldn't be able to take a Seroquel for at least 3 more days (at that time, usually just one dose gave me enough restorative sleep to keep hypomania from turning into mania). Reality-testing was intact, so he felt I could likely ride it out.

I let my friends who had been asking for COVID updates know that I was going to be out of touch for a few days, and let my sister know what was going on so she could know that if I didn't seem like I *was* still in touch with reality that I likely needed hospital and what I thought were the reasons why.

And then I turned off Facebook and tried to instead journal some of the weird thoughts, and treat the experience as though it *were* me taking a psychedelic drug. I'd had enough "trips" on various things, after all.

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A few snippets:

Sunday afternoon-night, from a part that was supposed to be a letter to my well self, and not really yet a log:

"ESPECIALLY if you get even 4 hours of solid sleep and may "feel" like you can take on probate w/o at least directly involving [sister's] lawyer, you are not a lawyer and this is the roof over your head. Getting things in order to save this house financially may or may not happen, and are more likely to NOT if you allow yourself too much time to think beyond wC's "Dancing w/ the Man w/ the Sickle" story about the ghosts in your head -- at least usually they don't talk THIS loudly or this long, and this time you knew that it didn't matter if they were "real" or not, you dealt w/ them." (My mother had passed away in 2000 and I had been helping her pay her mortgage since 2017, probate is insanely stressful.)

Monday I was more doing it as a log, as shown by this statement at the top of it:

"Running (and yes, racing) notes on first actually 'present/aware/holy crap' Bipolar I Mania episode. Or formal thought disorder. Or delirium, cuz all my body/brain seems to know it's too damn hot." (I was craving menthol and so panicked that the mask I'd been wearing to spare my roommate felt like it was choking me until I remembered the old raver trick and put Vicks in the mask, which was about the only thing that made me feel like I could breathe, despite being solidly 95+ on my pulseox for O2, was also in mild tachycardia.)

"I know it's Monday. I do remember my own name. Hopefully I have not attempted to completely lock myself in a bathroom and prayed that 'this', whatever 'this' is, ends." (When I texted my sister Sunday night I had spent about 2 hours in the bathroom including 45 minutes under a very cold shower, and described it as feeling like "an overclocked CPU".)

"Another day. hour. minute. second, of 'this'. Feel more like at least I need to know how much 'this' hurts, so I absolutely NEVER DO IT AGAIN. My body is begging for rest to process 'this', because sleep IS the only medicine. It's getting there that hurts."

"The bright ball of fire fueling human life WILL set. This trip WILL end. Hoping that, if any of my behaviors are witnessed, they can be remembered with amusement involved. Taking all nightly okayed medications (last Levaquin is tomorrow, last steroid pill was today). Yes, this trip will end.

But it's a really, really really bad trip and I do not recommend it at all."

At about 8 PM I was shaking so badly that I spilled orange juice all over myself.

"Yes, I CAN get through the last/next part. The next minute. I wish I could promise I wouldn't bite anything. Never actually did Molly, so whatever Molly does to break brains may be what's breaking mine.

One minute. I will walk inside w/ a mask. I will find clothing that is not covered in orange juice, attempt to ascertain the best option, and shower. My brain needs rain, and the shower is a compromise with it.

And hopefully walk back out, of my own free will and choice." (Leaving the bathroom had been very hard Sunday night, and I was noticing that rave tricks like the Vicks mask was helping, and my jaw really craved a pacifier.)

Between 8 and 10 PM, showered and ate some pizza. Eating was not problematic. At about 10:

"Psychodrama yourself out of this. A little bit of what you say there is all there is to magick. Hell, if you actually must mentally dance w/ Inanna again tonight, and every night hereafter, there's a reason you said Her prayer over your father, and not just because of a virus. Just attempt to confine the dancing to bed." (This was a reference to Starhawk's "Inanna's Prayer" for victims of AIDS, as well as to the myth that she spent 3 days in the underworld, and it was going to be a 3 day washout period to get the Norvir out of my system.)

10:45 PM: "Colicky baby is really the best description at the moment, because just like one you need sleep to make the screaming inside stop."

I then attempted to go to sleep. I did hit REM, which was a very good sign. Next log starting Tuesday early AM:

"Sleep achieved sometime. Wakeup and cough mode on. 3:38 AM. Coughing but not in clinical fever -- 99 point anything doesn't matter. You never claimed to like easy mode, so deal." (My COVID-related fever had already went down to less than 98 on day 3 of the regimen, so the low-grade fever was making me suspect I had a brush with Serotonin Syndrome.)

"4:30 AM. Afraid of any more albuterol or other CNS stimulants. Do I need to be afraid of the Prozac? Lol, probably not. Maybe?" (Yes, I should have been.)

"06:00 -- Okay okay okay birds, I hear you. The bright ball of fire is approaching and your eyes don't need the sunlight right now. That. Fucking. Ball. Of. Fire. Really, really trying to laugh at myself because the only solution IS tears. Listen to your body. Your own five senses. Yes, this trip will end. Also, this is why you are not a professional psychonaut."

"6:45 AM, almost: Breathe. Music still doesn't feel like a safe idea. I need an eye mask as well as a face mask right now, and a hug like I got in that dream of mine. Sweet, sweet sleep. Try it again."

"07:56 what the hell did I do to myself, so I don't do it again? Oh, yeah, tried. And one must try every day. "

"0758 Really praying that the root cause here is delayed bereavement, if I had to diagnose myself. Theoretically people get through that all on their own, all the time. Allow yourself to quietly cry. It will be okay."

"9 AM: Morning medications. First, basic needs. Wow, you managed to yawn, and it felt REALLY good. REALLY good. Must find whatever pleasure is in this pain. You were given tools, training, and an instruction manual on how to do parts of this. The rest you've gotta figure out on your own."

"11:30 Still a whole lot of thoughts. Far too goddamn many and few pleasant. Humans have abused themselves for far too damn long to not have this down, however. Yes, you have abused your body and brain severely. That wasn't a great idea, by a long shot. Fucking TRY to learn from this."

"It is now past noon. You at least have some basic covering over your body and access to more. No, living in this body is not fun anymore. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. It IS just a bad trip. Would love to know which drug got put in my system first when I came into the world, cuz if I wasn't already broken then.... but it is okay to not know. Nobody has been functional."

"15:50 -- Whether this is your first or your 19th (today, even), this is certainly what a nervous breakdown feels like, and it hurts a hell of a lot. You've been trying to hold up this entire goddamn house your entre life.  It has to be okay.  Use all that fucking transactional analysis, reparent your inner child, whatever it takes   Even if it feels like it is taking everything from you and everyone else."

"3:45 PM: Life is a goddamn trip. Feeling like a *very* bad trip right now. So. Many. Fucking. Regrets."

"5:49 PM. Still very very ugly thoughts. Do I want to even inherit this house, the house I helped hold up even as I screamed, perhaps BECAUSE I screamed. Yes, I am flashbacking to colic and it really really sucks."

"06:36 PM -- yes, the sun will set. Not soon enough. This is a very unpleasant trip. Many people need help in life, and sadly you are one of them. "

--------
At 9 PM I did attempt to go to sleep, woke up around 4 AM. The effects mellowed a great deal on Day 3 , and I didn't log as much or feel that I had to log attempting to order groceries so I didn't overspend. Noises hurt my ears less, I was able to get some daytime sleep, and I felt much less like I was having a 5-day solid panic attack.

The trip did end. It's not one I recommend to anybody. However, the body load (fever, overheating, mild tachycardia even laying down, jaw clenching) seemed far more similar to what others described from MDMA than any other trip I've voluntarily taken, and strategies to reduce unpleasant body load issues did help.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 118008
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 42
Published: Aug 27, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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