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Allow Yourself to Be Devoured by the Alligator
Ayahuasca
Citation:   Simon C. "Allow Yourself to Be Devoured by the Alligator: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp117847)". Erowid.org. Jan 13, 2025. erowid.org/exp/117847

 
DOSE:
  oral Ayahuasca
“Allow yourself to be devoured by the Alligator”

On the 21-09-19 I attended an ayahuasca ceremony in Denmark. Here is a transcript of my diary covering the events. (Drafted on word starting on the 28-12-19. Originally written down in my diary 22-09-19).

25.05.20 Note: Reading this back today, I notice that the writing style is that of a man who has been possessed by the spirit of a Victorian explorer in some dark mythic continent. Like a latter-day, pound shop Joseph Conrad. Very pretentious indeed, so bear with me from here on in!

The first thing I can say with any certainty is, that any form of language, expression, imagery or communication technique I will use herein to explain or describe the event will fall painfully short of what “really” happened that evening, but I will try and give you the reader loosely some idea of what the experience of taking ayahuasca felt like for me.

A very important point here, although through research and hindsight, I believe there are common themes and experiences witnessed through the medicine by people who have undergone the experience. I would like to make clear that this is very much my personal experience. And to add a caveat, I don’t intend to share this journal with anyone who might want to experience ayahuasca in the future, in a hope that I do not taint or add bias to the possible future experience for others.

As I have already mentioned, the visions that I experienced are almost impossible to recreate in words and language alone. The actual visual experience is beyond my poor communication skills. And even the visual representations one can find in videos showing the content of the ayahuasca experiences I have watched since the event, don’t fully capture the vibrance, vivacity, and ultra-reality of the visions that I experienced.

The strangeness of the content of the imagery of the experience bear little to no resemblance to our everyday waking experience of reality. Nothing on the trip was easily recognized, and therefore open to description. Other than by the vaguest of descriptions that I here now write down.
Nothing on the trip was easily recognized, and therefore open to description. Other than by the vaguest of descriptions that I here now write down.
An animal is only a suggestion of an animal, a face is only a vague sense of a face or an expression. Then add to the description of the images witnessed that perspective, space and time was viewed on a different plane, the task of truly describing the event is vast. Even colours and shapes that we subjectively take for granted cannot be described by their intensity, vividness our multiplicity. Ultimately these descriptions I try to share with you must be accepted as being arbitrary and even unintentionally misleading, as I don’t have the literacy skills to fully do them justice. Nevertheless, if you have read this far, this disclaimer is not going to stop me trying!

The trip, for me, was defined in three clear segments. (this subheading is how the original entries of my diary look. I have not edited the original diary draft to explain the chronological events of the ceremony more clearly. So, there may be some confusion in how the events unfolded and there may be further repetition on certain subjects).

The morning after the experience, some of the twelve other people who shared the experience also thought that trip was in three distinct segments for them also. But this was mostly the distinction between the form and intensity of the visions they experienced, rather than the intensity of their emotional experience and psychological condition. For me the three distinct passages of the trip were as followed:

1. The Introduction realm.
2. The Nightmare realm. (This title is just personalised to my experience, so it might be not the case to other ayahuasca users experience. The word nightmare might be a bit strong to use, as looking back now, the events seem less traumatic. I came to this conclusion of being a nightmare soon after the trip, and it really isn’t the description I am after. At the time, during the trip, my initial thought was for words like; punishment, chastisement, persecution, mocking, bullying or the frustration phase. I even thought of the word purgatory realm would be appropriate. But wanted to steer clear of any descriptions that had a connection to theology or spirituality to avoid bias. Like most of this review of the experience, at the time, during the trip, I had a clear vocabulary to describe the sensations I experienced far more clearly!).
3. The Questions realm.

As a brief overview of these visions. All played out on what was perceived by me as a two-dimensional flat plane. There was no identifiable sensation of perspective, distance, depth or space. It very much had the appearance of a 2D animation unfolding into a constantly morphing flat tableau. If there was any sensation of depth and directional movement it came across as an optical illusion. Something akin to watching a Mandelbrot Set fractal zoom video below.
[link deleted]

But even this video of the Mandelbrot Set used as an example is misleading and limited, by only giving the sensation of forward movement into a distant location. Any suggestion of movement during the trip was multidirectional and multidimensional. Sometimes multilayered but ultimately still being played out on a 2D plane? (A paradox/oxymoron there maybe?) There was no space as we know it, as in our everyday 3D world.

So, with all this in mind I will try to attempt to lead you through the visions I had induced by the ayahuasca medicine.

The Introduction Phase. (basic visual description)
The Introduction phase opened up from the darkness of “normal” consciousness while lying with my eyes closed and blindfolded. Visually the images made patterns that had the quality of oil residue floating on a puddle, or soap on a bubble against a dark background.

Another way to describe it is, as the marbling effect of ink on water maybe? Organic, plasticine, globular, waxy, fluid shapes that morphed into representations of organic, living entities. I will explain the visual and the psychological content of the Introduction phase later. For now, they were mostly earthy colours, such as muddy greens and yellows, browns, olive, ochre, dark purples, dark reds etc. The colours at the beginning were still on the muted end of the diffraction of light through a prism. Yet at first still without the vibrant iridescent quality of oil or bubbles. The intensity of the colours increased as more was revealed.

A note here, the colours are always to be regarded as being that of light, and light’s variance in terms of colour and intensity, and not imagined as colours attributed to objects in this realm, for example, opaque colours painted on a canvas.

All this was being played out on a background pallet of darkness. (I keep returning to this idea that the visions were a 2D phenomenon on a flat plane. Distinctly a different visual experience from our normal reality, or even in our dreaming state where perspective and depth are in play).

On the periphery of the vision, in the dark corners of my broader inner vision, what I would describe as mathematical formulae, symbology from physics, diagrams of chemical structures and other technical type drawings made from white light. Which appeared then receded in the margins of the vision by overlapping each other as they were drawn out by an invisible hand. Again, these were only suggestions of such things, but they were familiar enough as being representations of such formal and recognised visual language.

The Nightmare Phase. (basic visual description)
The nightmare phase was in complete contrast to the introduction phase. Everything now was imposed/superimposed on an unimaginably bright white background of light.

Travelling across and through this realm breaking up the light were monochrome geometric kaleidoscopic patterns made up of unlimited geometric tiles of varying sizes. They could either be still or in a fluid repetitive movement, sometimes pulsating/vibrating. The clarity of focus and definition of these patterns were unimaginably crisp. (Again, I put this down to seeing with the mind, rather than the physical optical sense).

When still, I would describe the monochrome background imagery as a spider web or a smashed plane of armoured glass which is still intact. So that you can still see the background through the glass pane, but unlike ocular vision, the background was also in focus. When in movement it had the appearance of scales on a fish or reptile. Again, with hindsight, there are two things (at least!) visually happening here in each moment, though superimposed and suggesting depth, both are in crystal clear focus. The smashed glass background/foreground, with the moving scales superimposed over it at the same time or vice versa! But this is just me filling in the gaps after my initial thoughts in my diary). When they moved, they moved inward or outward on themselves constantly devouring the shapes and replacing them with new ones.

Projected on to this smashed/scales background (foreground!) were symbols. Figures and animated rudimentary faces of highly intense and vivid colours of light. There would be sudden colour shifts, and distinct vibrations. The intensity of colour was more than anything seen in this realm, as again it was more like pure light rather than material substance. It was iridescent and shimmering. Overlaid with many superimposed patterns and colours. In contrast to this, the faces were usually flat, blocked colour (like used in basic animation or simple computer drawing programs). Again, 2D no depth, apart from the illusion of 3D depth you would get from a technical drawing?

One of the reasons that I perceived this as a nightmare realm was that the images would remain static for what felt like an age. Then suddenly start rolling in or out of itself in an endless repetitive kaleidoscopic pattern. Which would also feel like an age, even endless to the point of panic!

Also, in this realm, to intensify my notion of a nightmare. (Again, with hindsight). There was nothing that I could compare or recall, during the experience, from my memory to any visual anchor I might have had in my “normal” waking consciousness. It was unrelenting in its intensity which brought on panic in me.

Only later through agreeing the submission of ego and renouncing anything from my perceived prior “reality” would it allow me some respite from this nightmare realm. It wasn’t so much the visons, but the intensity and the fear of permanency that was frightening me into a state of panic. Once I accepted that I would have to dissolve my ego, and with some reassurances from my then perceived tormentors. the visions began to subside in their intensity and let me progress to the next phase.

The Questions Phase. (basic visual description)
Visually it’s hard to describe the Questions phase as it was more psychological in my experience compared to the previous two realms. I’m finding it hard to remember it visually. Maybe because I had to dissolve most of my ego, my I-sense before I could move onwards in the trip?

I can vaguely remember there were still the visions of the two previous realms, but now they were intertwined. They were also toned down in intensity. There were still the intense geometric, kaleidoscopic, repetitive patterns of the nightmare realm, and now the previously suggested organic, living entities of the Introduction phase were present and interwoven. There was also more recognizable imagery from my “normal” state of consciousness and dream state. Although there was no narrative to the imagery, or any perceived landscape the imagery was revealing itself to me. Again, it was the 2D flat plane of an animation or comic book. But this is not correct on reflection!

25.05.20 edit: There was now a form of depth I remember. The “animal” images moved in a virtual 3D vista. Flying in and out of view, swirling around me. They had body and depth but were still transparent frameworks made of light. I have watched several videos on ayahuasca imagery since the ceremony. I believe that this might be influencing my memories as I write now.
More about the content of these entities next…

The Ayahuasca ceremony 21.09.19
To start over again; we all met at the health centre at around 4pm. The ceremony was to start at approx. 7pm. Twelve people were to be taking the ayahuasca at this ceremony, observed and assisted by four helpers. All would take the ayahuasca. The room was set up very basically, with twelve mattresses placed around the room on three sides facing a makeshift altar that was flanked by large speakers. The fourth wall was for the helpers to arrange their chairs and sleeping arrangements. On the twelve mattresses were a pillow, a duvet, a blindfold, a bottle of water and a washing up bowl for the purging which comes from taking ayahuasca. Most of the group arrived in the first hour, and the last few came before 6pm.
When all had arrived, we had an introduction to our group leader and helpers. We discussed the dynamics of the evening, plus rules that would have to be strictly applied for things such as safety etc. Then we had a chance to give a brief introduction of ourselves, and a testimony on our intentions for our visit, and reasons for taking ayahuasca.

The group was roughly divided between people who had taken ayahuasca before and others for which this was the first time. After a brief ceremonial event the ayahuasca was brought into the room in two small bottles. Then we were all asked to come up individually to the leader of the group, take a small cup of ayahuasca and return to our mattress and wait for everyone to receive their portion of the medicine. From what I could see, we all received roughly the same portion. At this point we were told that we would be offered a second portion later if we wanted it. Once everyone was ready, a short blessing was made and then we were asked to drink the medicine.

One of the few things that I researched before the ceremony was what the liquid would look and taste like. Both these preconceived expectations went against the reality of what I experienced. I was led to believe that the medicine would be a dark brown or reddish-brown liquid. But in our case, it turned out to be a light mushroom colour. (Although it did have a dark brown/black residue in the bottom of the glass. Which I was told to wash down with a little water as that was essentially the medicine). And that the taste would be very bitter, which in this case it wasn’t. The medicine we received was more like drinking weak tasting muddy water. It also reminded me of magic mushroom brews that I had taken in the past. I believe these two observations had a later effect on how the experience unfolded. Where I psychologically sold myself a false premise that I could not overcome. And which might have influenced and tainted the experience [1].

After taking the medicine, we all lay back on our mattresses with our blindfolds on. The leader of the group started playing jungle sounds through the speakers interspersed with tribal, ethnic chanting and other forms of world music. (I have now discovered these songs at ayahuasca ceremonies are called, Icaros’).

Personally, I was as calm as I had been all day leading up to this moment. I was completely at peace with myself, and I felt that events that had led me up to this moment had been preordained. I felt I was in safe hands, and no harm would come to me. I had felt like this from the first moment I had contacted the organisers of the ayahuasca ceremony. There was a growing excitement but little anxiety.
There was a growing excitement but little anxiety.


From now on in this diary, chronological order is difficult to be precise with, but after about twenty minutes of lying in the blindfolded darkness, monitoring my inner self, something started to happen. This was the beginning of the Introduction Realm.
As described earlier, slow organic globular movement started to take shape in the darkness of my inner world. The colours were muted muddy colours and the shapes were random, like oil in a Lava lamp. except flat on a 2D plane.

Then slowly, they started taking the basic shape of what could be described as living organisms. But nothing you could describe as living creatures in the waking consciousness realm. (Not even in a dreaming state sense). They were more like suggestions of animals (Including human forms).

As they became more distinct from the globular shapes, I could now make out more details. From the forms building in the fringes of my internal vision- snouts, mouths, teeth, multiple eyes and limbs became recognizable. But they were all randomly situated over their individual forms. For example, features you would normally associate with heads like eye’s, mouth’s, noses, would be found all over their shapeshifting bodies. Think of the art of Picasso, Chagall or Matisse for an example (suggestion).
As they came into view I started to laugh, as they seemed familiar? (That I started to laugh quite unpredictably, was later pointed out to me by one of the helpers after the ceremony. She said my laughter was a little surprising, but it really set the tone for the ceremony. Others had also mentioned to her that my laughter was not what they were expecting and calmed them down).
Unbeknown to everyone (I suppose?), was that the reason why I started laughing was that I had seen visions like this before on previous LSD and Psilocybin trips. I thought at that moment, I kind of knew what was coming next. It was all very familiar, so the laughing was a kind of relief that I may be in familiar territory.

The organic shapes now started to take more individual forms, became individuals. Now they stared to take personalities of their own. I could make out suggestions of expressions on their fluid faces, and they appeared to be communicating with one and another. Although I can’t remember sounds coming from them? Again, it was more like suggestions of language and communication between them, and then me.

They appeared to be questioning each other about who this stranger, me, was. And what was I doing there with them in their realm? Here I had a strong feeling that these entities were separate from me, again which made me laugh at the strangeness of it all.

At first, they were not threatening in any way. It felt more like I had walked late into a party, uninvited maybe? Then it changed quite suddenly. Their faces went from fearful smiles to grimaces, to even anger as they moved in and out of the shadows, checking me out, and dissuading me from coming any closer. It was difficult to tell what the real explanations of their expressions and gestures were, because nothing is solid. All is fluid as one shape morphs into another. I just got the feeling I was a little unwelcome amongst them, an unwanted inconvenience to them and their existence.

To explain my lack of anxiety at this point, with hindsight, I think I was still in control of my mental faculties, I had enough acuity to evaluate what was going on. I don’t think I am frightened of them because, I can still logically/rationally deduce that they may just be figments of my imagination, hallucinations. I also thought that with this dual control over consciousness, the trip would not get so much more intense, as the visuals were already impressive. (How wrong I was!).

Even though I think these entities are just products of my subconscious (imagination) at the time. I also begin to get the strengthening suggestion, that they could also be separate individual entities that I have no control over at all. But even with the dawning realization I might not be in the familiar territory as I have experienced with previous types of medicines. I’m just enjoying the theatre of it, as I have mentioned above. It is like watching some weird cartoon being played out in my inner world. I still feel that I am in control in this encounter with these entities, real or imagined. And therefore, can switch it off if needed.
After a short while they seem to accept that I’m not a threat, and they appear to accept me, and invite to go further with them. (there’s a feeling of forward motion here. Like entering a grove or a forest) They appear to be gesturing me to come forward, and then gesturing to me to look deeper into the murk. Where they appear to introduce me to other similar entities ahead. (I have said several times already that this theatre was all played oud on a flat 2D surface, like an animation. But there are still suggestions of depth, distance and perspective). Then things change again.

Quite suddenly (or now I think I might have been distracted by the novelty the characters were playing out in front of me?), the intensity of the light and colours increased to much more vivid colours. Still mostly greens, but much more intense. The organic globular images now change to include what looks like female genitalia. Vaginas, ovaries and forms with multiple breasts, at these teats are other forms suckling. Still all overlayered on animal/human like globular, organic forms.

From these suggested female shapes even more globular shapes are birthed into the tableau, and then they go on to grow and rebirth in the same manner. All in an oily, waxy, ununiformed manner. Just like a Lava lamp or oil mixing with water. Everything is in motion and fluid on this 2D theatre, but there is still a feeling of forward motion, or falling through the figures. Like the suggestion of swimming through a dense shoal of jellyfish.

While this is going on, I notice that the view is dividing in to three horizontal planes. Well wide of my normal scope of optical vision. The bottom level now has the beckoning faces and the female shapes and is quite vivid and bright. The middle is quite dark and there are forms, mostly sneering faces, moving in it. The top is the darkest and for some reason the middle shapes are warning me not to look up into it. Their faces and gestures are much more pronounced and recognizable now. Still not in any way familiar to this waking realm, but expressive enough for me to communicate with them through gestures. (mental gestures in my case maybe?).

Then I feel a new entity has entered the top tier, and I am not allowed to lift my interior gaze to the top tier to look at it. When I do try to lift my gaze to the entity above me, my whole inner world is plunged into complete black darkness. There are no visions, no inner light, nothing but a complete endless void of darkness. The comparison of the void to the blob word is in stark contrast, the polar opposite. The first time this happened I took my blindfold off and sat up in panic.

I assume at the time, and the messages I get from this through the sneering faces (and what's left of my mental capabilities), that the reason for the blackout, is that I am being castigated or challenged for being insolent and I’m not showing enough respect to the new entity in the upper tier of my vision.

Here I now remember a feeling that this new entity was real and a separate entity from me, my inner self and my mind. These entities it was becoming apparent to me at the time weren’t some trick of my subconscious. I was now in the presence of something from another level of consciousness, an alien reality. And it wasn’t too pleased with me, and how I was presenting myself. (Obviously with hindsight I question the validity of this. But at the time it was real, very real).

The hovering entity above when encountered with what I deduced was my impertinence, was in response, enforcing the complete blackout. This was such a dramatic shift from the first half hour of the trip, where it felt I was free to explore without any restriction. This to me, felt like a direct attack or punishment by the entity, and it took me several blackout knock downs to realise what was happening.

After several blackouts, I realised that I had to make some form of internal (mental) apology to the entity for my ignorance, and only then would I be permitted to start again with the visions by the entity. Once I had made sufficient repentance for my mistake, was I then allowed to go through the introduction process again. But I must go through the process of starting from the bottom again.

So, this would start by introducing myself again to the grimacing faces, who were now mocking me for my arrogance and my stupidity. Now they started treating me as an unruly child, and this became the tone of the trip from now on. The sneering faces were the one constant throughout the trip. From here on in, I began to regard them as my guides. (They were still visibly lurking in the shadows and corners of my inner world two or three days after the ceremony!).

They would, I suppose, make me aware of the power of the entity in the top tier. And this time I was to show true reverence. (It all seems strange now, this experience appeared out of time. But I had just enough grasp on the waking consciousness to know it was only tens of minutes. I seem to remember thinking the shamanic chant I had been listening to had hardly moved on at all, that also kind of anchored me into the moment). But now I was drifting out of the waking consciousness into a real or perceived Other realm.

This all now felt real. I now remember thinking at the time that there was a strong possibility that these were separate entities, and I started to believe that it was best that I played by their rules and show some reverence. (I came to the ayahuasca experience with an open mind. I had heard of the stories of people believing that through ayahuasca they would be transported to another dimension. A new dimension where they had encountered entities separate from themselves. Whether this was true or just hallucinations is up for debate. All I can remember of my ayahuasca experience is that I was now in the presence of something I had no control over, something real and separate. But very different from say the state of dreaming).

It dawned on me that to go further I would have to show some form of reverence. The plunging into darkness was unsettling, and for the first time I started to feel anxiety. It was like the entity knew what would scare me (My greatest innermost fears). I no longer felt that all of this was a figment of my imagination or the workings of the subconscious. This entity was powerful enough to dole out punishment, and I was weak in comparison to have any control over it.

As mentioned above, I was aware of the Mother Ayahuasca testimonies many people had experienced under the medicine. So, I took this to be the beginning of my encounter with Mother Ayahuasca and showed reverence to the entity above me. (I was aware that this situation could happen on my trip, so I was in some ways prepared for this to happen). With this reverence in place, I was then allowed to direct my gaze upwards by the surrounding sneering faces (as I will refer to them from now on, or sometimes the mocking faces maybe, both descriptions don’t fully convey their expressions and gestures), and was allowed to look at the entity above me.

There in the darkness above me was the massive face of what looked like the head of a praying mantis/ woman’s face hybrid, with branches/horns/vines flowing out of its head stretching to the far corners of the upper tier. The head was central and a bit elongated. The colours of the vision were mostly purple and green, with its features were highlighted with white-blue light. The nearest visual reference I can give it is the work of the Alien movie illustrator H.R. Giger. But it wasn’t horrifying, ugly, mechanical, dark and threatening as his imagery is. This was instead softer, organic, living, feminine but extremely powerful...awe inspiring. (I remember laughing again, but this time out of sheer relief that I had somehow passed a test!).

Here now, I have a blurred dual recollection of what happened next during the ceremony, the impression is that time and events began to be overlapping, superimposed over each other? I can’t pin down the correct chronological order or which realm, the inner ayahuasca visions or the ceremony room reality I’m viewing? There’s still some confusion here to what happened, was happening. I also thought (think) that I made a choice, the wrong choice I believe, which defined the trip from here on in. It was influenced by what was happening elsewhere in the room in “normal” waking reality. The waking reality (viewed outer reality without the eyes closed), and from this point on I will try to describe events using a duel form of expression. The waking, outer reality will be described in square brackets as such below [also, script in italics].

Edit 20-05-20. I have concluded recently that the experience during the ceremony was in the following order below. Because of the blurring of my inner and outer vision, and the dissolution of time and space, I have edited it using brackets and italics to make some sense of the complete confusion in my original journal. I don’t know if this is the correct literary device to use to describe events, but for my purposes it will have to do!

[The blindfold is annoying me; it feels too tight. It feels like control. I take it off and sit up. This is my first look around the room since putting the blindfold on. Taking the blindfold off was something the organisers cautioned us from doing in the introduction before the ceremony started. Which at the time increased my suspicion of the validity of the coming ayahuasca experience with them? It also reinforced my worries and my concerns about control by the organisers while under the effects of ayahuasca. These concerns I had spoken about with the organisers prior to the ceremony date.

This first look around the room was not unpleasant, but it was intense.
This first look around the room was not unpleasant, but it was intense.
The room was still recognizable, the light had changed to the dark of evening. The organizers had lit candles and put low lights on. In the semi-darkness I could see the organisers moving around the room, and they were engulphed in a colourful phasing/streaming visual effect. Similar to what you would get from taking MDMA in the early 1990s, but much more intence and vibrant.

Against this I looked down my reclined body from my point of view to my feet. It was not exactly in the position I was expecting to see it. My feet appeared to be much higher than my head. As if I was lying at a forty-five-degree angle to the floor. And it was almost comically large against the background of the room. My silhouetted body was jet black, with no features at all. It looked like a void within the room, a cut out space removed from reality. Against this black form or lack of form, brilliant white chevrons of light pulsed down my limbs from the centre to the ends of my hands and feet. Starting from under my chin, the heart region, the light pulsed out to the tips of my toes and hands. Again the vision was not really looking like my body, just a cut out black body shaped silhouette. It looked like a diagram, a representation of a reclining body.]

This did not really trouble me too much. I felt a little disorientated and once satisfied that I could still connect with “normal” reality, I lay down again and closed my eyes. This time without the blindfold which had been bothering me.

With the blindfold off, almost immediately the visions intensified in colour, light and movement. All the faces and animals were still here with me, apart for the giant entity from the top tier (which I have no recollection of sensing its presence again during the trip?).

The three-tiered theatre and its occupants is changing, and a different aspect of the vision is taking place. The vision is now dividing itself in to two vertical halves. There is a gradient of darkness from left to right. A bright white light is dawning at the far right of my vision.

Again, all this is misleading, a better way to put it maybe, is that I now have simultaneous dual vision superimposed across my inner vision of light and darkness. The visions are still central but are diminishing into another form. The globular organic blobs are metamorphosing into a colourful circular nebulous cloud of light which is starting to rotate against the dark background. As if I have been transported into outer space and am witnessing actual nebulae. The spinning nebulous cloud is now beginning to be stretched backwards and upwards into the form of an inverted vortex, whirlpool, tornado, tunnel structure, at its centre is darkness like the impression of a black hole in space (although the colourful circular nebula of light that surrounds it makes that image impossible to rationalize?). I am being drawn to the opening of this cosmic vortex within the darkness, and panic is rising.
[I think my eyes are briefly open at this point, or I’m opening them to avoid the panic setting in. To my left of vision, the room is quite dark, but to my right the corridor to the toilet is brightly lit up.]

25.05.20 Note: The order is all wrong here because of the superimposed nature of events. What was clear to me at the time was that both my inner and outer vision were converging and influencing events.

[I’ll put this here, but I’m not sure when I first noticed this. At some point I opened my eyes and seem to have been transported to another place and time. With my eyes now open and observing the room, I was now somehow back in another place where I had experienced a bad trip during my college years twenty plus years in the past.
I was now somehow back in another place where I had experienced a bad trip during my college years twenty plus years in the past.
We had overdone it on LSD, taking multiple tabs in a very short period, we had 100’s in our possession, so God only knows how many we took? As well as this, we had consumed the usual cocktail of other drugs and alcohol. It was a hateful night that I had tried to eliminate from my memories. A night that brought on a period of mental anguish, anxiety and depression that took at least a year to climb out of.

I was now very much in that same room as back then. I had the feeling I was paralyzed laying on my side with my head pinned to the floor, unable to move, or even talk! Just as I had been that distant night. If I closed my eyes, then as now, the visions where frightful in their intensity. The blasting relentless kaleidoscopic visions accompanied with hateful noise and sounds I could not escape from.

Now as then, time had been displaced, and I could not tell if this was a past memory, or it was prescience. At the time I also experienced this, was this a self-fulfilling premonition, a mild personal Ouroboros that I could not escape from. The panic and confusion were the same, and this is where the ceremony started to fall apart and turn into the bad trip I was to reflect on over the coming months after the experience]

I close my eyes again and the inner world vision has somehow mimicked the outer view. The view is now divided into two vertical segments of gradient darkness and light. With the vortex nebula against the darkness to the left, and the dawn of an ultra-bright white light rising out of the darkness to the right. With fear building within me, I somehow make a conscious decision to free myself from the vortex and the darkness and focus on the light to the right. When I say conscious decision, I probably mean panic-stricken decision!

Almost immediately I realized that this was somehow a mistake of judgement. And it has been nagging within me since the ceremony. I believe it began to taint my experience negatively from here on in and has caused me much soul searching since. There were other more drastic external influences that really bummed me out to come, but my thoughts then as well as now are, I chose to run headfirst in to the “Nightmare Realm” and the bad trip began [3].

Once consumed by the white light, the intensity of the visions exploded. As described above in the description of the visions of the ‘Nightmare realm’ this kaleidoscopic geometrical world was a whole new level of intensity, and it separated me from all sense of the waking reality.

Against the unimaginable brightness of the white light that pervades everything there, the colours were so vivid they were beyond anything seen in this the waking realm. I would say neon, but even more vivid, intense and bright. Shimmering and vibrating faceted like diamonds, all except for the sneering faces (my guides) they were still flat colored, opaque, which differentiated them from the explosion of colour and movement that existed in this realm. (Although they were flat, opaque, blocked in colour. These colours were also fantastically bright and vivid. Like you would find on a drawing program on a PC).

Again, the sneering faces were superimposed or incorporated into the bright kaleidoscopic geometrical world, but at the same time appeared separate, above or beyond. Like for example, the residual blotches of patterns left by a flashlight retained on the retina as you also try to view the outer world. Both are viewed simultaneously but with prominence interchangeable to your focus.

Everything now was moving in a self-devouring way, rolling in and then out on itself, like a snake uncoiling infinitely. (See the Mandelbrot sets video above). Geometrical kaleidoscopic patterns made up of scales/plates all folding over themselves and creating a myriad of patterns in motion. Offset with over long periods of complete stillness of the vision in my internal vision that brought on panic in me.

They were somehow evolving into something else, and it was not something that I could recognize as being alive or organic. Or even as being separate entities. It was so fantastic; I believe that it is beyond my imagination or my subconscious to create, even if I wanted to. And I’ve not been able to replicate it in my imagination in any way since the experience. (Except for minute glimpses before I fall asleep, and not even that. There is light and some form of matrix, pattern, but it won’t reveal itself no matter how hard I concentrate).

This was the beginning of the next realm, the realm I thought of at the time as something of a nightmare or even at times it felt like torture. But really, with hindsight, I realized it was a test, a trial, a rite of passage so to say? I soon concluded it was a form of tough love in extremis, delivered by an unseen hand or from my inner self maybe? I knew, even then, that I had to get through it to get to the goal of the whole experience. It involved nothing else but dissolving my mind and ego. Giving everything and everyone I knew up, and as we will come to shortly ‘allowing myself to be devoured by the alligator!’.

[Horrible noise in the room. I think it’s coming from the speakers. I can’t tell if it’s the medicine distorting the music or if they are actually playing this terrible thumping electronic mechanical sound by intention. I have experienced LSD distorting music until it becomes unrecognisable before. I’m beginning to get really annoyed. This feels like control by the organisers of the ceremony, something I was concerned about leading up to the ceremony. I’m getting more and more annoyed.

I sit up, take my blindfold off and try to get the attention of one of the organisers. I now have a terrible headache, which is getting worse and worse. The sounds coming from the speakers are intensifying the pain and annoyance.

Everything is distorted, the room is quite dark, the ceremony organisers are dancing (?) in the middle of the floor. They seem oblivious to us/me. The leader of the group is meddling with the sound system, which is making me even more angry.

Eventually the event leader came over to me. We discuss the noise/music. His face looks like I can look directly through his skin to see the skull beneath, and it has been superimposed with the face of representation of the Alice in wonderland classic Cheshire Cat illustrations and an anaconda. His face takes up my whole field of vision, as if he’s only centimeters from my own face. This might sound nightmarish now, but at the time it was reassuring for me, I can’t explain why? [2].

The organizer rationalized the problem with the noise/music, which at the time, appeared to make some sense to me. On later reflection I can’t remember the exact solution he had given me. It seemed like some half-baked “New Age” or Buddhist cod-philosophy, but it was enough to distract me. I lay down and put my blindfold on again and returned to the inner visions. I tried to find some solution to the electronic noise problem, but the headache still intensified.
I tried to find some solution to the electronic noise problem, but the headache still intensified.


The headache is intensifying, the pain is unbearable. My head feels as if it has swollen to double its size, I have no feeling in my hands. I sit up and take the blindfold off again. My hands appear to be visually swollen, they looked like oversized vegetable tuba’s and are grey with black fingernails. The room is still recognizable, but I am still having flashbacks to the room I had the bad trip in while at college. I’m completely confused and disorientated]

> Here is where I think I had the conversation with the event organizer whose face was superimposed with the anaconda?

This where I stopped writing this story. But below is a list of headings from my diary to prompt further writing.

02-09-21 Starting writing again maybe?
Reminders for further writing on the event:
Being aware of others in the room crying screaming etc.
Me laughing, and being reminded by the organisers the morning after?
Feeling nauseas, vomit beginning to rise, but unable to vomit. Dry heaving, drinking water. Clinging to the sick bowl to keep me grounded in “reality” and hold back the fear.
The guy next to me purging relentlessly.
Being disgusted with the filth of our reality.
Seeing myself as the “meat” body, and separation from it. Regarding the meat body as a 3rd person entity.
Having a mild out of body experience. Hovering above the meat body and tending for it.
Slight purging.
Frustration of not knowing what questions to ask!
No purging, no vomit, getting frustrated again.
Another moment of panic,
Helped by the Polish attendant. A soothing hand on the heart.
X-ray like vision.
Everything is changing again.
Calming down.
A deal with my tormentor/myself. My terms, a place in heaven with my beloved family.
I realise I love my family more than anything. A long way from being ready to let go.
My infantile mind pointed out to me.
Agreeing to losing the ego for now, acceptance that my grasp on reality is childlike.
A change of pace.
Letting go at last.
Entering the question realm.
Foolish questions, instant answers.
Better questions that I already know the answers to.
Everything is so obvious.
Surrounded by visions of animals in my inner world.
My Mantra is given to me, “allow yourself to be devoured by the alligator”.
Peace
Drifting back into reality on a wave of ecstasy
Totally at one with the world.
The trip is ending
Coming down, don’t want to leave.
Unfinished business.
A realization that my expectations were too high, I foolishly expected to meet God! And my intentions were weak with my questions not strong enough.
A missed opportunity not helped by my distrust of the organisers of the event.
Not convinced I took Ayahuasca?
A deep feeling of sadness and a little betrayal. An opportunity missed.
Awake
Struggling to get through the morning formalities with the group. No trust in the organisers.
Home
My beloved family.
Start trying to write about my experience.
After effects.
Still disappointed.
Becoming an evangelical for Ayahuasca!
Contemplate trying again.
Two years later, what are my thoughts?

[1] I seemed to have convinced myself during the trip that I had actually taken a magic mushroom brew. Especially as the later visions, sensations and surroundings revisited and replayed were almost identical to a bad mushroom trip that I had experienced twenty-five years earlier. The whole experience was tainted by this persistent thought.

[2] Since taking the Ayahuasca I watched the film ‘Blueburry’ (Renegade for US release). In the movie, the two world depictions of the interaction between the protagonist while under the influence of the medicine, and the shaman are very close to the image I am recounting. There are lots of special effects in the film that nearly capture the essence and imagery of my own trip. But one dramatic difference is the darkness and horrific images in the film. This I didn’t experience. Where the positive imagery is quite close to my experiences. The luminescence and colours of my own trip are far more intense than those portrayed in the movie.

[3] This was not the only thing. As I’ve mentioned already in point [1], there were other influences that led to the negative aspects of the experience. The electronic sound which I will come to later was probably the most influentially negative aspect of the whole experience.

Exp Year: 2024ExpID: 117847
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 55
Published: Jan 13, 2025Views: 15
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Ayahuasca (8) : Difficult Experiences (5), Music Discussion (22), Entities / Beings (37), General (1), Group Ceremony (21)

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