DOSE:

20 mg

oral

Pharms - Citalopram

(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

177 lb

I had hit a wall with anxiety issues. Couldn't even get out of bed some days, was too afraid of the entire world. Finally admitted I needed help, had a friend book some appointments - mental health services are still completely overstretched, so a general practitioner first, just medicate me until the waitlist clears.

He prescribed Citalopram. I mentioned I was worried about SSRIs, I just don't like what I've seen them do to friends, he wasn't having it. But I was desperate enough to make this stop, so I filled the prescription, started...

Day one, nothing. Day two, I felt calmer. Usually visit the local neighborhood bar after hours, didn't feel like it for some reason. Day three the real problems began: I slept most of it.

The anxiety was gone, yes, but so was everything else. I'd get out of bed, take the pill, start coffee, enjoy my coffee, and about two hours after the pill the cage would drop. Back to bed. Not because I was tired, there simply.... wasn't anything to do worth doing.

I'd watch the wall. Watch the clock tick. Days seemed to just flicker by, apathy so overwhelming I didn't even perceive it as apathy. Just, nothing, a hole, a void. Sometimes I'd doomscroll on my smart phone. Most of the time, though, I'd just lay there.

One of those days was so bad I didn't even bother making coffee. Missed taking the pill, the full morning ritual I'd done for years didn't seem worth it. And yes, something seemed off that day. I hadn't quite realized I missed a dose, but, I was about, moving, and then my sister called.

She wanted me to join her and her family at an event. No, that's a month away, I said. No it's today. What? An entire month had passed. I looked around: My house was completely trashed. Not a single clean dish. No clean clothes. I smelled bad, clearly hadn't bathed in over a week. My lawn was waist high. Bills were in collections, my internet was already scheduled to be shut off. My plants were wilted, suffering, and many were already dead. I had lost a lot of weight because I simply didn't eat most days.

I couldn't remember the entire previous month. Not like a blackout - not like having had too much to drink, I knew exactly what I did. I stared at the wall. I didn't remember anything, because nothing happened that was worth remembering.

I never took a dose again. The next week was like a sunrise on a humid morning, the sun slowly burning away mist and fog leaving a beautiful clear sky. Motivation was back, ideas were back, I was doing things. Two weeks passed before I fully felt I was truly back here, in reality, myself again.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117726
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 40
Published: Jul 17, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Pharms - Citalopram (227) : Difficult Experiences (5), Medical Use (47), Alone (16)