Ltd Ed 'Solve et Elucido' Art Giclee
This reverberating psychedelic giclee print is a gift for a
$500 donation to Erowid. 12" x 12", stretched on canvas, the
image wraps around the sides of the 1" thick piece. Signed
by artist Vibrata, and Erowid founders Earth & Fire.
Nothing Was Ever the Same
LSD, MDMA & Cocaine
by Ren
Citation:   Ren. "Nothing Was Ever the Same: An Experience with LSD, MDMA & Cocaine (exp117719)". Erowid.org. Jan 2, 2025. erowid.org/exp/117719

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
1 hit oral LSD (gel tab)
  T+ 0:00   insufflated Cocaine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:40 100 mg   MDMA (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:00 1-2 line insufflated Cocaine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:00 2 hits oral LSD (gel tab)
  T+ 0:00   repeated insufflated Cocaine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 8:00 100 mg   MDMA (powder / crystals)
BODY WEIGHT: 145 lb
Before I jump into this, I’d just like to say I was absolutely not prepared for what was coming my way this very evening. While it has been a few years since this, I remember this night with near perfect clarity.

The date was Thursday, April 30th, 2020. The world was in flames and in the midst of a global pandemic. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t really care about my own well-being and was done with *everything*. I had just gotten out of an 8 year long relationship with my high school sweetheart, on top of a million other things that happened. I was with my now ex-girlfriend and we decided to take an acid trip– fun, right?

We dosed around 8pm that evening, and then did a line of blows. I was flipping through my record collection trying to find the right album, and then my ex offered me some molly. “Hell yeah!” I remember saying, because I honestly prefer to do molly and LSD together. For me, at least, Molly helps soothe out the edges of the trip so to speak. I took a point about 40 minutes in as I started feeling the effects of LSD creeping up on me.

I settled on a White Stripes album and put it on, but as we really started feeling the acid kicking in, we decided we wanted something else. I ended up playing Innerspeaker by Tame Impala. Right as the needle hit the record and it started to play, we both lay down and let the acid hit us. “Wow, I’m feeling great!” I thought.

After a little while, I started feeling the molly hit me and I was feeling even better. After however long it was we were conked out, my ex girlfriend cut another line of blows, and we both did a line or two. We both sat up, and talked about anything and everything. We constantly looped over and over the same topic in between us conking out on LSD.

A few hours went by, I decided to do two more gel tabs of LSD for the hell of it– both of us did. Then it was the same thing, I flipped through my record collection, found an album, put it on, then vegged out on the bed. After a bit, my ex gf and I decided to do something else (I won’t mention), then sat up and started talking and did more blows– a lot more.

A few more hours go by, and I see it’s almost 4am. I couldn’t believe it had been that long already, but I also wasn’t anywhere near finished with the fun evening I was having, and neither was my ex. The synergy from both the LSD and Molly made me content with life and I was finally feeling like I got a decent break from all the bull I was dealing with in life. I took the other point of MDMA, and my ex and I just started having an amazing heart to heart.

After an hour, this uneasy feeling washed over me, but I couldn’t figure out why. I shrugged it off and continued engaging in the conversation. As my ex and I were talking, I looked at my phone and saw 25 missed calls, 15 messages from my brother, and a lot of texts from my mom, all of which I didn’t hear because my phone was on silent. “OH no..” I said. I read through my brother’s messages and read “HE’S DEAD! HE’S REALLY DEAD!!!” I was stunned, I was shocked. Then…. I saw it. “DAD IS DEAD! HE’S NOT MOVING!” Even as I write this, I’m getting the same cold chill down my spine and a shocked look on my face. My ex asked, “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” And with a blank expression, I looked up at her and said, “My dad is dead.” She said, “What?!”. And I said, “For once… My mom is free." Then I laughed– a lot. I truly didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I was way too intoxicated to know how to feel.
I truly didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I was way too intoxicated to know how to feel.
My ex asked if I wanted to go down, and I told her that would be a good idea. I was still fried and feeling the substances as we drove 50 miles to my family’s place. “I hate him, I won’t cry over him!” I kept saying over and over again, as well as “Wow. He’s dead. My dad is actually dead.”

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
The moment I arrived at my family’s place, the sun had just come up. Then I saw it… I saw my father’s body being hauled away and my mom was outside talking to the police. I got inside and saw both my younger brothers. The middle one was shocked and pacing a lot. The youngest brother (my dad’s favorite) was crying. He told me he was the one that found the body… then the middle one saw it too. Once mom got back inside, we all were talking. Dad was pronounced dad around 5am. I was still very much visibly intoxicated, but then I kinda just stopped feeling the substances. I was ranting, raving, talking about how I won’t shed a single tear. My other family members were understandably shaken up, but I just kept crap talking dad.

I hit up my best friend and told them I wanna hang out with them even though my dad was dead, and they said, “are you sure?? Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? Your dad died” I told them yeah it’ll be fine. They came and picked me up and we hung out at their place. After an hour or so, I started to come down from everything. I was talking to my best friend’s mom about what happened, and then…. This is when it hit me. I said “yeah… he’s dead. He’s really dead. He is really… really dead” and then I fell to pieces. I started absolutely bawling my eyes out. I have never cried this much in my life over anything. I told my friend I wanna go back home because I’m not okay. Once I got back home, I continued bawling my eyes out, just a never ending stream of emotions. It didn’t help that I still felt my father’s presence lingering…

What was really tough is I never said goodbye. In fact, the last thing I remember telling my dad is, “you’re dead to me,” barely a week and a half prior. There was so much left unsaid, so many memories, all the abuse and trauma he put me through– it was way too much. Even though it has been three and a half, his death still affects me greatly. I’ve gotten to a place where I can talk about his death and not come to pieces, but truthfully that isn’t always the case. I miss him, and hate that I miss him but I can’t change the fact he’s dead.

One of my worst fears about LSD was to find out a member of my family died and well… It happened. His death messed me up, and I spiraled into horrible addictions that almost killed me. Finding out someone close to you died on LSD, or even at all, was horrible. To this very day as I write this, I still remember the exact feeling I had when I saw the “he’s dead” text from my brother.

Moral of the story: you never know when you’ll see anyone you love next. Tell your family members you love them as often as you can. Also, LSD is a powerful substance– but we all already knew that.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 117719
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Jan 2, 2025Views: 14
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LSD (2), Cocaine (13), MDMA (3) : Combinations (3), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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