DOSE:

8 g

oral

Mushrooms

It was fall, 2022. I was semi-experienced in tripping, having taken shrooms multiple times recreationally and LSD. My little brother had recently taken an interest in the power of mushrooms and tried them a couple times. We thought it would be a good idea to trip together, so we did. We hadn’t planned on taking that much, but we ended up both taking about 8 grams each. We thought, “Why not? Fuck it.”. My boyfriend, who is experienced with psychedelics, had offered to trip sit us, and me and my brother had both greatly enjoyed our previous experiences so we didn’t think anything bad would happen .

The come up was amazing, wonderful visuals, an overall great vibe. My boyfriend took us to sightsee at some famous local spots in nature. It was night so the lights of the city in the distance had turned into a magnificent sea of lights. I was hallucinating hard, the car ride felt like a spaceship, and the city was some futuristic world.

When we arrived at the falls, where we had planned to go, the sky blended into the trees, and it looked just magnificent. I didn’t want to go up the mountain to see the waterfall from above, because the view from below was already perfect. But, my brother and boyfriend wanted to go, so I thought I might as well follow them, nothing bad will happen.

Well, we got to the top, and it was pretty. I began to look down the railing of the bridge into the waterfall. My body was pulsating, the water below zooming in and out, it sloshed and slithered like lava. I felt myself getting closer and closer to the edge, leaning over the railing. The river turned into a bottomless abyss. A void on planet earth. It blended into the foliage, into the sky. My head began to sink, it felt like a black hole slowly eating me. Sucking me in slowly but surely. I had never felt so alone. So plain empty in my thoughts. It felt like an eternity looking down.

Suddenly the bridge felt like it had collapsed and there was nothing under my feet, the world was spinning. I was being eaten by this ledge. I felt bubbling in my stomach, warm tingling acid coming up my gut. I was about to jump off this ledge into the waterfall. I was ready, to take the plunge.

My brother asked me "are you okay?" and it snapped me back into reality. I pulled myself away from the railing, and ran. I ran down the mountain until I fell on the rocky path, hid in the bushes, crying and drooling. I was hyperventilating, my whole body felt warm and cold all at once. I was so afraid. I think I had thrown up, but I wasn’t sure. My brother and boyfriend ran after me, trying to comfort me and make sure I was okay. I was shaking, I felt everything and nothing all at once. They helped me get up, and kept me stable to walk the rest of the way down and drive home. When we got home, I was able to calm down a lot, however I was still feeling very uneasy. I didn’t talk much, just curled in the corner of the bed and the wall. I was trying to stay positive, but I was very traumatized.

When I went to the bathroom to pee, I looked in the mirror as I was washing my hands and saw my face warped. I saw a million mirrors, myself in all of them. The room felt like a box, I was watching myself watch myself. I realized I didn’t like what I saw and it made me deeply depressed. I hurried back to the room and the safety of blankets. From there I just watched my very much tripping brother attempt to play fortnite, and luckily the stupidity of it all was able to make me laugh a bit.

I had never had such a profound and terrifying experience. I’ve never been afraid of heights in my whole life, I even worked jobs 70+ feet in the air before, totally comfortable, but that was something different. I had struggled with mental health my whole life, even attempted suicide, but that ledge felt so.. So… scary? Seductive? I don’t have the words to describe it. Just writing about my experience has made my palms sweat, made me shaky. If I ever went to that bridge again, even sober, I think I’d have a panic attack. Which is quite unfortunate, because it is a very beautiful place.

After the experience, I am still able to enjoy mushrooms on a regular or low dose. But I am too afraid of what a large dose would do to me. The way it brought up my deepest darkest feelings, I never want to see that part of my consciousness again. And thank god for my brother and boyfriend, had they not been there, I think I would have died.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 117012
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Feb 26, 2023	Views: 295
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Mushrooms (39) : Difficult Experiences (5), Families (41), Depression (15), General (1), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)