Citation: Ren. "I'm Not the Same Anymore: An Experience with Mushrooms, LSD & Trazodone (exp116472)". Erowid.org. Aug 4, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116472
This experience happened barely two days ago, and Iím still looping over the experience in my mind over and over again. Granted, Iím a pretty experienced user with these substances, so I knew what to expect for the most part. However, I was not at all ready for what happened that night. Some of what Iíll be writing is what I remember, and other parts will be what I was told I did. This is the night everything changed for me and Iím still dumbfounded and speechless over it.
5:00pm- I was hanging out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend and we decided to have some mushies and just chill in her bed while listening to music. She splits 3.5g of what she has between the three of us, and I decided to slowly eat mine over the course of five minutes. I was in a pretty good headspace that day, all done with spring term and am on my couple week break til summer term begins, so I chose to do this then and there, so I wouldnít be worrying about schoolwork or stressing over day to day stuff.
7:30pm- My friend mentions having a vial of LSD and I asked her if Iím able to have a little bit (I asked for at least 150mcg), she agrees and leaves the room for a second before coming back in and asking me if itís okay if she doses on a sugarcube, I told her itís okay. I started to get mild visuals and a body high from the mushies I took, so I thought why not add some lucy to the mix? She leaves the room for the second time and Iím talking to her boyfriend about concerts weíve been to, relaxing and having an overall good time in each otherís company.
7:32pm- My friend comes back and hands me the dosed sugar cube and I pop it in my mouth and let it dissolve. Iím excited for whatís ahead of me and happy Iím doing something other than sitting at home and mindlessly scrolling through facebook til I pass out. After the cube dissolved, I got the most uneasy feeling that washed over me, but chose to ignore it. I sat on my friend's bed and she decided to give me a foot rub. That uneasy feeling wouldnít go away.
7:55pm- Out of nowhere, the acid hit me like a ton of bricks and was coming on strong. At this point I was having pretty strong visuals, but it was nothing I couldnít handle. I told my friend I had to go to the bathroom. As I got up, I felt like my visuals were getting more and more intense, but like I said, it was nothing I couldnít handle. When I went into her bathroom, I felt my breathing getting heavier and heavier, I felt myself becoming more and more on edge. After I was done in the bathroom, I went back into my friendís room, and cuddled with her and her boyfriend on her bedĖ it was at this moment my breathing became shallow and I started breathing heavily. My friend asks if Iím okay but I had a hard time talking and answering her question. I stumbled up from her bed and staggered to her bedroom door. Breathing becomes harder and harder. I stumbled out into her living room and started to hear voices. I heard whispers and giggles around me.
Breathing becomes harder and harder. I stumbled out into her living room and started to hear voices. I heard whispers and giggles around me.
I start to pace around her living room manically, getting scared.
8:00pm- My friend comes out into her living room and asks if Iím okay. I told her, ďUh, I donít know, how much did you give me?Ē. She started to get nervous, and I asked her again. She tells me, ďUmm so, I dosed a cube that I remember I already dosed about three times. So... I might have given you a lot.Ē My eyes widened as a wave of anxiety washes over me, I ask, ďHow much is Ďa lotí?Ē She tells me she thinks she gave me 900mcg or more. My mouth drops and I shake my head at her. She starts to babble and make it all about herself, and at that point I tell her to cut it out. The visuals were getting more and more intense and Iím getting more and more anxious. Mind you, not only have I never had *that* much LSD, Iíve never dosed a bunch in one sitting, I taper up. I started dissociating, paying attention to what she was saying was hard. I looked at my phone and saw my fiance had a super stressful day at work and was getting off work early. I texted her that my friend, who also happens to be my fianceís other partner, accidentally gave me way more cid than she should have and I want to be picked up from her place. My fiance told me sheís on her way, and at this point, my friendís boyfriend comes out into the living room and notices me manically pacing around and shaking. He asks how Iím doing and I babbled a little, he took this as a sign I wasnít doing well and he gets me a glass of ice water. I sat back down on the couch and my friend tried to guilt me for being upset with her for knowingly giving me way more than she should have. I shake my head and start shaking some more. At this point, the voices picked back up and I did my best to keep it cool despite the fact I was getting super scared. The visuals were getting more and more intense, I was *not* having a good time and just wanted this to be over.
8:25pm: My fiance comes over and tells me to grab my things so we can leave. My friend and fianceís other partner tries to tell my fiance to not let me leaveĖ I have no idea why she was doing that, and my fiance tells her to shut up and that she isnít happy with her. My fiance and I left the apartment. The moment I left the apartment building, the hallway began to morph and change, I got really scared, the visuals were super strong and overwhelming. I told my fiance this and she told me to hold her hand. I stumbled around the hallway, looking like a complete fool.
8:40: I donít remember quite what happened between the time we left, and the time we got to the car, but at this point, I was in the car with my fiance. The visuals kept getting more and more overwhelming, the city at night was completely unrecognizable, everything was morphing and changing, the streets kept changing color and the buildings looked like they were breathing, the colors changed and everything started to freak me out. I then started screaming and crying and wanting to go to the hospital. I screamed loudly and my fiance held my hand and told me to listen to the sound of her voiceĖ this started to calm me down a little bit, she told me sweet nothings and was telling me overall pleasant things on the way to the hospital. Despite the visuals growing more and more intense, I had a feeling that everything was going to be okay when she did that. However, after a few minutes, I started to psych myself out when I heard a voice telling me this is permanent and that Iím going to be in this forever.
8:55pm: We made it to the hospital and by the time we got there, I was too scared to leave the car, but my fiance reassured me that we were going to be okay. She holds my hand and walks with me into the hospital and we go to the front and ask to be seen. I got a bracelet and told my fiance I want to sit down. We sat down in a far corner of the ER, next to a few old people. This waiting room was packed with people and it started to make me panic and feel anxious. Once I sat down, I got this wave of disorientation, I couldnít recognize anything around me, I didnít know where I was or who I was at this point, then, the ego death came on. I conked out for at least ten minutes, once I wake, I take my shoes off and start kicking my feet and threw my cane to the ground, everyone was staring at me, and my fiance asked me what I was doing, I didnít recognize her at first but once I processed what she said, I remembered who she is. I asked her ďwhat are we doing?Ē, because I couldnít remember where we were or what we were doing. She tells me we need to wait awhile to be seen, and I started bawling my eyes out and screaming. Every single person stares at me and I cry louder.
A couple minutes later, I asked my fiance the same question, evidently I just kept looping and asking her the same question. I then stood up, with my shoes off, and started running around the waiting room with my shoes off, evidently while unintelligibly screaming and crying, flailing my arms around. My fiance stands up and grabs me by one of my arms and asks me to sit down and I guess I yelled no. She sat me down and asked the nurse if we could be seen. I apparently started chewing on my cane and then talking to it. My fiance comes back and tells me that she mentioned I take trazodone and that should be enough to calm me down, so she came back and tried to tell me that, but then I asked her the same thing ďWhy arenít they doing anything?!Ē question. She told me we needed to leave, so I bolted up from my chair, without my shoes on, and ran outside the hospital. When I got outside, a wave of intense fear washes over me, the visuals just wouldnít stop getting more and more intense, and I didnít feel like myself. My fiance grabs my arm and walks me to the car. There were people near our car staring at me and I started to freak out and scream at them and my fiance grabbed me by the arm and got me inside the car.
9:30: Once we got inside and went on our way back home, I started losing consciousness and blacked out portions of the car ride. My fiance told me I wouldnít stop screaming and crying that I want to end it all and that Iím going to be permanently like this. I evidently tried jumping out of the car when we were driving over a bridge. My fiance told me I kept talking to myself but it didn't make a bit of sense. I kept repeating the same sentences over and over and freaking out over everything. The moments I remember, I was freaking out about how intense the visuals were and the voices in my head wouldnít stop. I wanted this to be over, I couldnít handle this, it was way too intense and strong. I felt angry at that friend for dosing me way too much in one sitting, especially considering she knew she already dosed that sugar cube. At that point, I lost my trust for her.
10:20: At this point, we were back home. My fiance goes and looks for my bottle of trazodone to give to me. I kept flailing my arms around and knocking things over. I ended up breaking a prized possession of my fianceís and she got angry and sternly told me to sit on the bed and wait for her to give me those meds. Evidently I got back up and ran to the bathroom where she was and started yelling loudly that I want to end it all. She told me to sit back down and I ran back to the bed and knocked a bunch of other things down in the process. My memory gets real foggy at this point, but evidently my fiance grabbed me before I nearly jumped out of our window. Mind you, we live in a tall apartment building. I remember her crying and being angry that her other partner negligently gave me that much lucy. She held me down and gave me trazodone and handed me a water bottle and told me to drink water. Evidently I took one sip and threw the bottle across the room. All I remember at this point was that I kept being really loud and breaking shit, I also remember my fiance being super sad and just done with my shit.
11pm: The trazodone started to kick in and I felt more like myself at this point, the visuals were still intense, but not like they were earlier where I couldnít process anything around me and was overall overwhelmed. I was able to hold a conversation with my fiance and she asked me if I remember anything over the last few hours. I told her not really, just that it was way too intense and overwhelming. She fills me in on pieces I didnít remember, then... When she mentions almost jumping out the window to end it all, I become really sad. She told me I kept telling her to grab her rifle and shoot me to end it all. She told me she had to grab her handgun from me because I found it and was going to use it. I kept telling her over and over again that I want to be released from this hell.
From here on out, I get no sleep whatsoever and am locked to my bed, looping over the events I remember in my head over and over again. I was stuck in my head for hours, listened to music and just kept thinking to myself. My fiance told me she was going to have a word with that partner and leave me alone, since I was not in such a volatile state as earlier. That friend messages me in discord and tries to make me feel bad for her over what happened, but I was not in the mood to talk to her. I couldnít believe she knowingly gave me that much, especially since sheís an experienced user of this stuff, it just didnít add up. That was so irresponsible of her, and then tried to make me feel bad?
Once night turned into day, I felt different. I didnít feel like me, I felt like something changed in me and I still was having powerful visuals. The events of that night scarred me and even now, I just donít feel right. Iíve always known LSD is a powerful substance, but this whole experience taught me that this is not something to play with and you need to be careful. Iíve always wanted to try a ďheroic doseĒ but was definitely not ready for that experience. I hope I start feeling better soon, I just feel like a completely different person now...
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