Citation: anonymous. "The Beginning and Ending of Seeking: An Experience with Mushrooms (sclerotia) (exp116270)". Erowid.org. May 9, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116270
This is a brief description, and for myself also a reflection on my first encounter with psilocybin (Magic truffles), now almost 10 years ago.
The experience took place in a very different and very difficult period of my life, when I was still a student, lived with a friend, pretty much in poverty, and had great difficulties in the relationship with my mother. Only in hindsight do I realize how depressed and anxious I was. I slept at least 10 hours a day, felt panic even when I had to go grocery shopping, tremendous guilt, loneliness, anger, all day, every day. I believed that the only way to get to a better place was to just "work harder", which was also the only message I ever got from my mother. Some readers may find it relevant that I was once diagnosed with Asperger's (but I don't).
This was my first trip, with a friend (not my flatmate) who had consumed psilocybin a few times before. He was, and still is, a good friend, but at the time could be a bit too "pushy" with his "wisdoms". As the effects began, we sat down next to each other. He was definitely talking too much. I remember thinking to myself "please shut up and just let me trip", but I did not say this, because it was not in my character to ask another person to consider my needs. Not too much later though, the friend realized this, and stopped talking.
Meanwhile, a feeling of guilt and "being irrelevant" began to grow inside me. Even the issue of the friend talking too much caused a feeling of guilt inside me. Guilt, despair and loneliness reached epic proportions. I felt like I had done, and kept doing "everything" wrong in life. I kept searching some way out of this horrible feeling, but it only grew stronger. At some point, me/my brain must have given up trying to "fix" things, and a deep inhalation followed, accompanied by a feeling of great confidence and physical strength. A huge, deeply personal relief.
All of this happened perhaps only 30-60 minutes into the trip. From this point on, everything went relatively easy. Small patches of anxiety were not a problem. We had a good time, and friendship was felt in our hearts. Until this day, I am grateful for this experience with him.
In the following week, everything in life went pretty smoothly. Felt like nothing could ever scare me again.
Slowly though, this old fear of wrongdoing re-established. Aware that "tripping balls" is not something that you can put your body through every weekend, I began a spiritual search. I was fully convinced that I could fix things, by doing an insane amount of meditation. I did not want anyone's advice. I was blind to the fact that I was making the same mistake again, of isolating myself from the world, and thinking that it was my job to fix things. I continued to use psychedelics now and then, but did not benefit from them much.
I continued to use psychedelics now and then, but did not benefit from them much.
Looking back now, there were people who could have helped me, and saved me from a tremendous amount of suffering.
I conclude that psychedelics, and foremost my first trip as described above, were an eye-opener, but not a permanent healing. Maybe this word "integration" really does mean something after all. Psychedelics motivated me to start seeking, but the biggest, and warmest realization of all of my spiritual activities, has been that I already have everything, only when I stopped seeking.
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