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Finally Understanding Why: Self Therapy
Ketamine & MDMA
Citation:   Etazhi. "Finally Understanding Why: Self Therapy: An Experience with Ketamine & MDMA (exp116171)". Mar 31, 2022.

T+ 0:00
  repeated insufflated Ketamine
  T+ 0:00 101 mg oral MDMA
  T+ 2:00 51 mg oral MDMA
BODY WEIGHT: 203.6 lb
Dosage: 101mg of MDMA orally, and a redose of MDMA 51mg Orally 2 hours later, 1 gram of ketamine throughout the night

Set: Felt fairly good and accomplished after recently returning to post-secondary and quitting my job.

Setting: Public Transit, a beach of a lake and my home.

I was feeling great, having returned to post-secondary and able to quit my job, I focused on my program. Two weeks in and I had managed to stay sober during the school day and not take drugs during the week days. Something nearly impossible a few years ago in my first year in post sec.

Recently having adopted a few hobbies and endeavors, I was ready to top off this accomplishment with a good hoorah before I go back to full sobriety besides psychedelics and reduced cannabis use.

So, I began the day, went to my class like usual, and got there early, like I had been for the last two weeks. I was pleased to find my teacher announced that the class would end early due to some other people needing the class room so I'd be off at noon. I stuck out the beginning of the day bone sober besides my usual caffeine pill which served as my substitute ADD medication as I didn't have a prescription anymore.

I got through the day, but felt particularly drained. I hadn't been having particularly fulfilling experiences anymore. Was I not using these chemicals correctly anymore? It seemed only heroic doses were what mattered any more. But I was particularly broke, having just quit my job and my sponsorship cheque wouldn't come in until the end of the month, Beggers couldn't be choosers.

I had a bunch of MDMA still as I hadn't been able to get rid of it. None of my friends seemed to want it, I didn't like the stuff as I always had a terrible comedown. I would cry and cry and feel so depressed until the drug wore off. I would feel too awful to even get up and smoke and if I could get up and smoke it was still terrible.

Don't get me wrong, Iíve tried genuine MDMA many times before this, having tested it at a safe site in my city and then every time it was the same story. I had tried my first time on LSD but had insufflated it, leading to the positive effects leaving quickly, and the comedown not being particularly bad, my acid trip seemed to go well despite having tapped out my deposit of serotonin.

Every other time was orally and just the same story, I didn't roll but got the awful comedown. Anxious the entire time. I did not enjoy MDMA. However, one time, I remember not rolling still, but avoiding the comedown mostly with some ketamine. It was lost in my memory until a bunch of friends brought up the combination. The description seemed wonderful, I cautiously looked into more info like dosage and duration and the potentiation of the combo, etc.

Wearily, I calculated a dosage for a first time for someone my weight. I then planned to redose so that I could possibly extend the experience.

When I arrived home, I was ecstatic to find my package in my mail box. It was 50/50 it was ketamine or an oxy 80. I opened the package and was pleased to see a bag of needle shards staring back at me. I couldn't wait and I immediately sniffed some, working through half the gram in about 4 hours as I had no tolerance besides my permatolerance.

Upon the high, and realization it was actually a Friday, as well as the fulfilled feeling of feeling accomplished, I decided I wanted to trip, however I was breaking like I said and I was unable to get anything besides what I already had. DOC was off the table. 25E-NBOH? I don't need to risk dying to night nor that thought in my head. I had nothing else besides that, except, well MDMA.

I thought back to the time I smoked 5mapb and rolled quit intensely and had a very visual trip. So quite impulsively, I decided to take some.

101 mg in a rolling paper, it hit around 20 minutes later and the lingering ketamine had, to my sudden surprise, completely eliminated the speedy and on edge feeling of coming up on MDMA usually has in store for me
the lingering ketamine had, to my sudden surprise, completely eliminated the speedy and on edge feeling of coming up on MDMA usually has in store for me

It began as a sudden increased in smile and laughter at some YouTube videos but slowly and exponentially increased until I felt extremely euphoric, this was not typical of MDMA for me, nor ketamine and had to explained by the combination of the two drugs.

I was extremely sedated, I was melted into my chair, almost as if it was a now a giant rat trap and I was unable to move, the simple act of sitting up, raising one's arms and typing out a message to my discord friends initially takes copious and insurmountable amounts of effort. But once up I paradoxically feel quite light for a short while as I suspect the ketamine began to finally wear off enough.

Still euphoric, quite social and uninhibited I freely discuss various topics, though mostly the drug, but including political discussions around far left ideologies like anarchism and communism and touching on the recent fascist convoy passing through my city the other day but eventually the feelings overcome me, I'm unable to be mad about these things right now.

A line of ketamine and some more touts of how fantastic this chemical was when combined with ketamine later I had formulated a choice of plans. The ravine, my sanctuary, or to the arcade, then to eat and then returning home after some time destroying my old work's pinball machine, maybe even flip off the supervisor I hated after I bum free food from my cousins.

I choose the latter, I am intensely social and feeling like I can take on anything. Indeed, the very next thing I do is pour out a ketamine line and sniff it, and then let out a "WOOH BABY I'm ON TOP OF THE WORLD." before confidently walking outside the door.

I am met by the cold and brisk air of the black night; the yellow incandescence washes the streets like rivers of early 2000's NYC murder scenes. The shadows fade away in an intermediate zone at the meeting of every yellow light and shadow cast, before the shadows fully engulf all the places light cannot penetrate.

This normally would make me anxious on psychedelics but it doesn't very much affect me on this combination. Right out the door and few steps down the block I pop my redose. Down the hatch.

Wobbling with legs of jelly I walk a 10-minute walk in a long 25 minutes, wonking through the city streets and catching passersby's glances and murmurs but I do not care at all. I am as carefree as I have ever been, that is not an easy endeavor with my tortured mind.

I walk and I walk, or rather I attempt to walk along and along until I reach the train, I've taken the route to the further away station and as such wasted time. Something that quite irks me is the waste of my time but in this moment, it did not matter I wasted 1.5 times the amount of time it took to get to the closer one.

I was on the platform and waited, noticing visuals quite intensely, however, the redose hits me quite hard and I am reminded of all the times I heard of people taking redoses and regretting it. I had always thought those were Europeans who had dangerously high dosed MDMA tablets. Over 200mg sometimes, which is the max dosage one should really take. Anything over is a waste of the drug and also a grave comedown waiting to happen.

152 milligrams for me was a lot, I had gained a hefty 40 pounds in the last year, and even then, at just over 200 pounds I was still rolling hard.
152 milligrams for me was a lot, I had gained a hefty 40 pounds in the last year, and even then, at just over 200 pounds I was still rolling hard.

The tiles on the floor lightly breathed, the lights felt like high beams being directed into my eyes, I'm nearly blinded. A lightly overlay of faint patterns of non-descript shapes and colours rotates but quickly fades. An intense wave of anxiety over comes me, it is like the other times I took MDMA on its own. The anxiety grows and the train is only 4 minutes away but it feels increasingly longer, tick tick tick, yet no time seems to pass on the electronic clock, nor does the "time until arrival" clock shorten its value.

I am nearly in tears, I make eye contact with a random lady on the opposite tracks, we lock eyes for what must have been a few brief moments but it felt like a minute to me. Anxiety shoots up my spine, aggravating my back pain, it's in my legs and in my arms and it fills my lungs and makes it hard to breathe. My heart begins to race and race. Still only 3 minutes away.

Should I go away and find a place to do more ketamine? Fuck I need another bump. All I can think of is how the ketamine will smoothe it out.

But this spiral of uncertainty seems to pass those remaining 3 minutes rather quick as my train arrives and the distinct slowing down of the train and then the stop before the chime sounds. I walk inside and sit in an isolated and sparsely populated train car and sit. My legs are restless, I feel nonexistent eyes of passengers in seats that are empty when look behind me. The train ride is a long grueling 10-minute journey across three stations until I hit the arcade.

I had tripped here on dissociative and lysergamides a few times but the daunting line visible from my walk-in put me into more anxiety. I was thinking someone would definitely see my dilated eyes and that I would be kicked out immediately. Curiously however, what was the reason for my denial of entry was not because of my behavior or my state of mind but because of my phone being in the shop and thus me not having access to my virtual proof of vaccination. The guard would not let me into the arcade without proof of vaccination, and I could see my friends at the bar inside but a couldn't have possibly got their attention so I simply left.

The walk out was equally as anxiety inducing, I walked for 5 minutes to an old drinking spot me and all my friends used to copiously drink ridiculous volumes of liquor because of the horrid working conditions at the restaurant inside the arcade.

I sat on the steps, out of sight of all of society, anxious and feeling it getting even worse I fumbled for my vial of ketamine in my pocket, a small plastic bullet shaped vial of half a gram of racemic ketamine and sniffed a bump off my hand. I feel the anxiety wash away completely. Then I feel my confidence come back, I am absolutely rocking now.

I see the bourgeois apartment towers wave and warp impossibly for their concrete and steel structures. The glass seems like a fluid and seems to drift as waves instead of breathing like most psychedelics. The lights were bright, and the neon of the mall district reflected off these massive towers of capitalist exploitation. As I am thinking this a private security guard, hired to protect the entire mall district area, including these upscale condos and apartments towering over me. But he keeps along and doesn't harass me. Thank god.

I decide to finish off my ketamine and to go along somewhere else that wasn't in probable cause of the private guards to harass me. So, I walked to the gas station for a water bottle, usually it is locked this time of night and you have to use the security booths with the rotating doors and such, but it wasn't tonight.

I walked in and bought a 1.75L bottle of water and walked out. Parched I took a drink and gasped in refreshment.

I walked along, my legs were jelly even more so than before and I had trouble walking, some people looked my way but most ignored me. Here, next to the arcade, white folk would walk down this very street and be tripping over every step, I looked like I had maybe 6 shots so no one questioned it.

I reached the train and without trouble this time, got on, having gotten up the escalator as the train arrived and not having to wait. I decide to get off at the next stop and walk home as I wasn't completely sober.

I walked by my old high school as I knew the route like the back of my hand even in my most messed up state. So, I walked, it was not a long walk but it wasn't a short one either. Nothing of note happened except a deep sense of nostalgia as I passed through old memories I formed at specific locations.

I had after a short time arrived at a park with a great big lake in the middle, a small beach on both ends. I sat on the beach, on a log and sniffed the last of my ketamine. I felt it hit, and I simply sat there for a short while.

Soon however I began to self-reflect quite deeply. Dwelling on my traumas, mainly with my mother and then in a deep moment of understanding, understood that my mother did not bear responsibility for the trauma she passed onto me, nor was my grandmother who passed it onto her. I remembered what she said about how the residential schools broke our family systems and interrupted the cycle of passing down knowledge of how to raise kids properly among other things so we had to start again from scratch. Something not found in many other parts of history, to have such a deeply entrenched part of human development and social cohesion, to be artificially interrupted by a system of genocide.

So, in that moment, of understanding, I chose to in my complete own fruition and choice and without any influence of any parties involved, chose to forgive my mother, for everything she had done.

Suddenly in that moment I had felt a great weight lift off my shoulders, a deeply spiritual feeling set in and I felt at peace, completely at peace. One with all things around me, the ducks quacks would usually overstimulate my sensitive hearing sense because of my autism, but didn't do anything this time. I felt somewhat desensitized to sounds, an effect that continues almost a week later, writing this. The dark blue sky was illuminated by distant lights of white, yellow and orange. I could see the plants and trees and lake's outline in the darkness. The moon came out from behind a cloud and its light completely engulfed and encompassed me.

This moment was all that mattered, I tried to think of other past and future concerns but it did not simply matter. I had been looking for this feeling for so long and I simply sat there, feeling the importance of simply existing in the present moment. It was fantastic!

I felt so at peace, and it was a feeling unmatched and I had such a spiritual feeling of serenity and tranquility that I could not even envision ever being mad or angry or upset ever again. I could only see me being happy for the rest of time. That didn't even matter though, because I was happy now.

My usual fixation on future what ifs and past whys, the present was never a moment I lived in until now. My mind was calm and content for the first time ever, confidence in myself and my body was the highest it ever was and I took it all in in all its blissful glory.

Truly I never thought such chemicals could give me such a spiritual experience. My goodness what fantastical chemicals.

After a short while longer of taking this all in, I felt satisfied and after a lady walking her dog walked by and said hello, usually I'd say no but this time I said hello back and then got up and walked away.

Usually, I would question if that was the right manner to say hello, or the right setting to say hello back, or if my departure was not conforming to the norms of non-autistic people. Usually, I was on my toes to accommodate others because I had to be extra conscious of my social interactions, as I could easily upset or hurt others due to my seemingly lack of innate ability to understand all social cues and nuances and such.

Now this was not my concern, I had no doubt that that was the correct manor to respond to someone who said hello. Usually, I might dwell on if I made that lady uncomfortable but I then realized that I was the one passively sitting and she was the one who initiated the interaction so perhaps not responding might've made her uncomfortable or even simply awkward and as such have her confidence damaged. I was absolutely sure I was in the clear and acting correctly. Something unheard of to me.

I walked home and nothing else of note happened, I arrived home and my mom for some reason, without cause, came out of her room and interrogated me if I was on drugs.

Usually this would offset my vibes but I was mostly sober and played it off. Nothing was mentioned so I got away with it, I think. I then spent the rest of the night trying to play halo with a friend but failing to even get one kill.

Typing in chat took forever and I could not control my movements or point of view and then I gave up, not out of frustration but recognition that my friend wouldn't have a good time with me in this condition. So, after playing with him during my comedown, I eventually fell asleep.

The next day and for the persisting weeks after I have found myself more confident, and carrying myself with cadence and composure. People seemed to have noticed this too as both a girl in my class struck up a few convos that turned to group convos, which always made me uncomfortable with strangers. She seemed to enjoy our convo and we talked a great deal more over lunch.

On my way home from school another day, a woman, a few years older than me complimented my shoes and told me I looked cute. Me being a fucking idiot and autistic as shit didn't realize she was hitting on me. She attempted, unsuccessfully to strike up conversation about my shoes, asking the brand and other things, and so on but my order came quickly and I was rushed to get home. She told me bye in a tone I only now recognized as sensual in nature. The entire week after was an afterglow full of great experiences like those I mentioned but smaller in scale and significance.

The Kitty flipping combination has changed me for the better undoubtedly. I aim to combine this with a few therapy sessions to maximize its benefit.

Until my next adventure in the world of the mind and the self,


Exp Year: 2022ExpID: 116171
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Mar 31, 2022Views: 2,317
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MDMA (3), Ketamine (31) : Various (28), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3)

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