Citation: Megan. "Observed and Observer Melded Together: An Experience with DMT (exp115502)". Erowid.org. Jun 14, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115502
After 20 years of desperately wanting to try the mysterious and elusive DMT, I finally figured out how to obtain some. The package arrived and I fished out a small baggie of light yellow powder. Interesting, I was expecting it to be white. I immediately tested it (all good!), weighed it, and put all but my 50mg dose into a glass jar, since I heard that plastic could degrade the substance if left in too long. Lacking the correct smoking setup, I resorted to the "sandwich method" of layering the powder between ashes in my regular glass weed bowl.
Satisfied that everything was ready, I rushed to my bedroom in excitement - this was it, the day had finally arrived! Was I going to meet the famous Machine Elves? Was I going to astrally fly to outer space? Was I going to learn the secrets of the Universe? I couldn't wait to find out!
It was early evening and dark outside. I turned on low ambient lighting, switched off my phone and laid on my bed. The room was silent.
Full of anticipation and a bit of trepidation, I flicked the lighter and took care to only lightly touch the top layer of ash as to vaporize the powder. I took a deep drag and automatically tried to stem the rising smoke from the bowl before I was ready to take the second hit. The effects hit me like a freight train within 2-3 seconds in a most unexpected manner.
My surroundings exploded into bright fractals that reminded me of colorful Hindu-type designs. I felt a light body load sweep over me that seemed to originate from the upper chest. Shocked, I hurried to take the second hit, worried that I would become too impaired to operate the pipe if I waited a moment longer. I never made it to the intended third hit. My consciousness left the building.
I entered what I can only describe as a waking-dreamlike state. I didn't feel the sensation of leaving my body, I just seamlessly blipped into another reality.
I didn't feel the sensation of leaving my body, I just seamlessly blipped into another reality.
There was nothing notable or distinctive about this place. My previous reality was instantly forgotten, although I retained a measure of ability to form distinctive thoughts. Was this some sort of waiting area or holding room? In contrast to the brightly pulsating fractals from moments earlier, I now only saw a whitish-gray fog everywhere. I was keenly aware of a benevolent or perhaps neutral entity leaning over me, looking down on me, calmly inspecting me. I couldn't make out distinct features, and the entity did not "speak" to me. I felt completely calm, patient, and a bit curious as to what it was doing. I understood only after the trip was done, that this was the gatekeeper who would direct my journey, because I soon "blipped" again and everything changed drastically a second time.
The ability to form thoughts dissolved away. I was no longer me. And it didn't matter, because I forgot about me. Forgot is a poor description, because that indicates mental faculties to begin with, and I had none. I was no longer a person, had no concept or care of what a person even was, had no human emotions and no human thoughts. All that existed was a deep sense of peace and contentment. It was the ultimate, ideal state of being.
In other words, the awareness that was once "me" was individually conscious, but very much not an individual. This was clearly ego death, and probably something even far beyond that. People sometimes describe ego death as terrifying, but how can you be terrified if you're no longer a being that experiences human emotions? So I'm not quite sure what this was, aside from a complete 100% transformation.
the transition from a complicated and chaotic human individual to a simple electrical charge was smooth and seamless. Peacefully existing as an energetic building block of whatever plane of existence I was transported to was perfect. Time didn't exist here. My awareness had always been there and always would be.
My essence undulated and flowed this way and that, weightless and riding invisible waves over vast distances. I just quietly dwelt, devoid of thought and in a state of bliss, for eternity. There were no entities here, just as I was not an entity. It was nothing but a perfect, fluidly shifting and endless sea of harmoniously vibrating energy.
As the DMT began to wear off, I gradually became aware of my human body. What?! I gasped and my hand flew up and touched my face. "Oh no!..." was my first thought. I was thinking again, and it was weird and jarring. It was something like being woken from a peaceful sleep by someone rudely dumping a bucket of ice water on your bed, but a thousand times worse.
Then, sobering up very swiftly, I remembered everything. My human life on earth... I was "Megan", I remembered her now.... I had taken drugs?! NO! This was such a cruel development! This wasn't fair! My real life was back there, in the blissful sea! To say that being suddenly burdened with human consciousness again was a disappointment would be the understatement of the millennia. It may sound like I'm normally a depressed person or I hate myself or something, the way I describe my great sadness and sense of loss at returning to my human self. That isn't the case. It's key to the story to include that. My life isn't any more horrible than the average person's.
In retrospect, I find it quite curious that transitioning into a bolt of electricity was seamless and unnoticeable, but transitioning back to what's supposed to be my normal self felt unnatural, to the point of minor "impending doom". It was also hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had only been out for 10 minutes, as opposed to the feeling of timelessness I experienced in the "sea of harmony".
I can't wait to go back, but I know instinctively that it's not something that should be done casually or for mere escapism, I respect it far too much for that. I have no doubt that I was in a real place that exists somewhere out there. I'm not sure if DMT is for everyone. What I mean is, if you're looking to party and get lit, this is not the right substance for that and I could see it going sideways pretty badly if someone went in with that mindset. The gatekeeper might not take kindly to that.
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