Citation: Phil Alive. "The Call of the Mother: An Experience with Huasca Combo (Syrian Rue & Mimosa tenuiflora) & Meditation (exp115458)". Erowid.org. Jun 2, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115458
"Though how vast can the human mind be, it is itself nature.
Thus the colours of nature will always be a brighter call confronted to our paintings,
The simple yet harmonious chants of the birds will forevermore resound deeper than our structured songs.
The aim of the artist is to surpass what yet exists
But what if everything already existed and you could only sing it your own way?Ē
A PREFACE TO MY DRUG USE
(skip for this trip)
Iíve been smoking marijuana since I was 14 and drunk alcohol -especially wine- more or less since that time. My THC consumption in the years have always been regular except for the times I couldnít afford it or nobody had it (I live in Italy where itís still illegal). Apart from those, Iíve done cocaine maybe something around ten times in the last two years, but it was only in social occasions: I never even liked so much the effects and I find these kind of drugs to be stupid and boring. The last time I took it was last april. An old friend of mine even died from it, alone, in his basement and I know a lot of people who still struggle with that shit. Not my kind. I hate it. People here donít seem to appreciate psychs. I do them alone most of the times; also because I maybe still havenít found my own ďcrewĒ.
Regarding psychedelics, my first one was acid last september (always done 1p) and, since then, Iíve done it uncountable times with some breaks here and there; I experimented doses ranging from a minimum of 20mcg to a max of 150mcg; sometimes I like microdosing to boost my creativity (I write poems, tales, I got a novel on the run and I write a lot of songs with my guitar, voice, piano and an app to mix it all adding drums) so a lot of times I enjoy low doses -never really micro, I want to perceive it anyway- to stimulate my plasticity and come out with different insights and plots while still being able to record them in real time. Other times I may also have low doses only to enjoy more my weed and a couple of glasses of red. Iíve also consumed amanita muscaria a few times, two times morning glories (but Iíve always puked to little effects basically), I really enjoyed 5-meo-dalt both smoked and ingested 4 or 5 times and ayahuasca; this was my second time. Never had the occasion to do shrooms yet.
The only other things Iíve tried were tests to find substitutes for weed for the times I donít have it and I canít sleep at night. None passed. With this intent I bought wild dagga extract (only slightly calming), wild lettuce extract (basically the same result), corn poppy and californian poppy. I love corn poppy: in the right doses -from 5g dried on- and with some booze it really gives me a sort of opioid effect; once mixed with 3 or 4g of amanita muscaria -more for the amanita- it put me into a walking trance, a lot more than expected. Ah, and last but not least, my beloved blue lotus which unfortunately gives effect only when done very sparingly. Ok, to the trip.
Today I was alone at home. Currently Iíve got no occupation. And I didnít want to do anything nor with my hands nor with my body; in the same way I didnít want to see anyone. For the last week I havenít been smoking hash and so I have drunk plenty of booze at night; I know itís the worst thing I could do but come and explain it to these conservative hypocrite morons that make our laws. I also know that I could have fought with myself as any decent human being, but itís a strange time of my life. And letís say Iím having a little break from always fighting. At least I think I deserve some fuckin peace. I havenít exaggerated every night but yesterday I did. For real, to say it all, yesterday I started drinking at two pm and finished around midnight
yesterday I started drinking at two pm and finished around midnight
(Iíve been drunk like until 7pm then recovered a little and started drinking again at 8,30 for dinner). You can imagine the status of my stomach this morning, yeah. I would have never thought that today aya would have called me (no Iím no schizo, itís figurative).
I had reserved a special time for today and I thought I would have had the last blotter left by now, but then I thought ďWhat if instead I only ate a small dish of pasta, had only a coffee in the morning, smoke the fewest cigarettes I can and try a syrian rue tea on its own?Ē The idea came to me because the only time I had taken syrian rue in the past was for my first aya and I waited barely 15 or 20 minutes between that and the mimosa, resulting in short lived and underwhelming effects and a massive triple puke about an hour after which I had attributed to the mimosa. So I wanted to see what would have syrian rue done to my mind and stomach on its own.
SYRIAN RUE PREPARATION
I prepared the tea in the following way: crashed with a hammer the seeds (that went out mostly intact) then grinded them -more intelligently- in a pepper grinder, boiled a glass and a half of water in a stainless steel pot, dropped the half-seeds/half-powdered-now as the water started boiling, reduced the flame so it could simmer without fully boil, kept it on the flame for about 15 minutes. Put the water in a glass. Saved the seeds. Did the same with other water and the seeds saved, then mixed the two yellow-brownish solutions together without the seeds putting them on the flame again until the volume had reduced to about ĺ of a glass. Yeah, itís tough.
I had weighed the rue with a full teaspoon which I knew was about three or four grams.
EFFECTS OF THE RUE
2:45 pm: I drank the tea on the back balcony of my house, watching the weaving trees dancing for the wind, trippy by their own, even before any effect. I stood there for a while thinking and I almost immediately began to feel some discomfort in my stomach, but nothing to be afraid of. I noticed as time ran that I was somehow more present, though I was somewhere else. I was more present to myself I mean. No kind of visual distortion by then, only maybe some electrifying of the air and, with eyes closed, not geometrical patterns but the said electricity like barely unnoticeable little lightnings behind my eyelids and, as time progressed, some tracers. Mentally I felt very calm in respect of my before-hand condition, which was boredom and slight anxiety. I felt the rue calming me more like myself not giving a shit than some chemical kicking in: in fact, maybe due to the not so high dose, it was a gentle warmth, not something that radically possessed my mind. The only uncomfortable thing was the stomach but I didnít feel as if I had to puke or shit, which I had done first (shitting I mean): I only felt it really heavy and present. So a lot of times I thought ďThe stomach is here to remind you youíre aliveĒ.
At some point I ate a tiny slice of garlic and it slowly made me feel better, so I ate some more and I was magically about to be ok. Although I really felt my heart beating, but not that strangely or in an ill way, I just felt it amplified, as amplified was everything in the sonic realm though. In fact sounds were all more potent like with an echo, but not distorted. With my stomach finally ok, I decide to lie down a lil. Now I was feeling even calmer and as I willingly drowned on the mattress my legs began to feel comfortably heavy and pulsating. As I write it it seems a lot but all these things felt quite natural. I then start to read something online about peganum harmala, the dosages, effects and everything. And I realise I maybe had taken too low a dose for the effects I was searching for: not that I wanted to feel sick, but I would have accepted it to be in a long daydream. Maybe I should have only waited some more time and let it proceed. But I had a mental image of my mimosa tenuiflora waiting in my drawer. I thought: ďI felt sick in the stomach till now but a little garlic made me anew, maybe if the mimosa brings it up again I can do the same thingĒ. So I thought of when I tried mimosa tenuiflora in my first ayahuasca voyage and I remembered that, though it made me then puke three times in a row very violently, the taste was good to me and now it could even wash away the bitterness of the rue. Also in my first attempt I had used two full tablespoons and a half (which is more than ten grams for sure) so I decided to use only a tablespoon, and not that full, which I estimate to be about 5 or 6 grams from what I had read on weighing mimosa without a scale. The last time I prepared it properly making it simmer for more than a hour and then reusing the same bark for another brew. This time I let it on the fire for about 15-20 minutes; anyway it was purplish already. Let that sit there for a while and had a glass and a half of brew by then.
TURNS TO AYAHUASCA
3:55 At this time I drank it. I had like a reverential moment in which I improvised a prayer to the spirit of the mother. I said something like:
May this sacred wood let me travel safely to the other world May it make me understand how futile is my singularity and merge into the oneness of the source May those who dwell therein accept my visit and not be upset by my intrusion May I learn the lesson that I need and accept it unconditionally.
Then, I slowly drew the glass up to me and sipped it for it was still so hot. As I finished that first glass, I was already starting to enter.
The buzz was not so prominent but it was definitely there and it grew and it grew. I drank it not all at once but as my body was comfortable to do. Then, I poured the remaining brew in the empty glass and moved to my brotherís room from which a magnificent visual of the tall mountains all around the village led me to ancestral thoughts. There, I drank the second glass (it was at least ten minutes after the first one whose effects were already coming up), this time in a shot, and stood there for a while. In that spiritual and glowing state I went back to the kitchen and finished the garlic. Visuals were scarce with my eyes opened though the mental state was like --in intensity I mean-- the one I can get with 60-70 mcg LSD, so I decided to head to my room, closed the roller blinds and the door, lit a black candle (I only buy them black) and lay on my bed to meditate.
4:15 Here starts the meditation. I set an alarm for 5pm because my parents always return home around 7:30/8pm, so I could meditate in peace without the paranoia of somebody coming in (I had left the kitchen in a total mess) and abandon myself to the trance. First I started focusing on my breath and made it longer and longer. As I breathed more deeply I felt always more relaxed, the tingling and the tinnitus got higher and higher and I started to feel a progressively stronger sense of total peace. I still felt my body. And it was absolute bliss. So I began to synchronize my breath with my heartbeatsí pace (a thing that puts me in the deepest trances even when Iím sober) at a rhythm of 4:4:4 meaning that every part of the respiration lasted for 4 heartbeats, so for 4 inspire, for 4 hold, for 4 expire.
As I was completely immersed and in full concentration, I started to concentrate on every chakra (visualizing them as cones rotating with their colours -red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and purple- climbing up my spine, staying on each chakra for as long as was needed to feel them working hard First, the first chakra red on the perineum and I felt strong, alive, grounded then the second orange right above the genitals and it was super energizing and revitalizing then the third golden yellow rotating in my navel and I felt secure and speedy then the fourth green heart chakra in my chest and a lot of back-images started of woods and fields and flowers and wild animals and there the breezing chills were so potent! I felt so in love with all. Now I would say with all creation. But then there was no separation. Iím not able to describe what you feel when youíre everything but I still perceived other things and beings, like I could can enter their realm and be them as I moved my consciousness. I donít know if I can describe it as ego death because there were still colours and shapes and golden sounds that meant to me like surpassing some gates fluctuating in the air. When I meditated on the fifth blue chakra, musics of all kinds rose in their superb splendour mixing every melody with every rhythm. I was so in bliss, so delighted. Too much maybe.
4:43 At one point I had to get up because I found out I was grinding my teeth a little and I was going to fall asleep: this means I failed somehow because I had lost concentration and the trance wasnít anymore directed.
With this I donít wanna sound like a control freak and Iím not, but the goal of meditation IS being present in the absence, not losing consciousness and, if I laid down one more second I would have drowned in an eternal slumber. I was intensely satisfied with that meditation. One strange thing happened though. As I raised from my bed all the images and sounds I had while lying sort of disappeared in a second. I was still very inspired, words came to me in that strange manner they do in these situations but I was so clear-headed. I mean, Iím sure I could have handled a conversation with anyone there. I cleaned a little bit my kitchen while cleaning out my thoughts. The purge didnít come. It left me so strange not to purge this time. ďWho knowsĒ I thought ďmaybe last time had purified me from my deepest shit somehowĒ.
TRIED TO BREW ANOTHER MIMOSA
5:06 So, I thought, letís give it another try and with the mimosa I had prepared (and saved) I brewed another tea for like 15-20 minutes. I waited for it to cool down, going out to throw away the empty bottles of wine of the two or three days before. I looked at the wine and I couldn't help but thinking what a disgusting thing alcohol is. But this wasnít a nasty thing: I already had a very tough acid trip where I basically destroyed all my escaping doors from life and my relationship with drugs was part of it. So this time I simply thought about it and didnít mind. Anyway I have passed much worse periods with alcohol and though days like yesterday can happen I donít crave for it, I find it sickening even when Iím drinking it. Maybe Iíll consider quitting. Anyway I drank the second brew out around 5.20 smoking a cigarette and gazing at the clouds in all their evening splendour. I still had nice mind effects but visually Iíd say I simply saw everything more clear.
Another effect (but that comes with like all psychs for me) was time dilation. All the time. But this time, the more time passed, the more it was dilated and it was exactly what I needed to reflect and reconnect. The second tea gave me little effect compared to the first.
Usually I always listen to a lot of music when Iím on psychs: this time I was all the time listening only to the sounds of the forest all around: the birds, dogs barking, the imponent waves of the lake, the baby of my neighbours crying (which I usually only hate). And I felt I would have somehow done blasphemy if I took my guitar and sang. Thatís when I wrote the initial piece of the report:
"Though how vast can the human mind be, it is itself nature. Thus the colours of nature will always be a brighter call confronted to our paintings, the simple yet harmonious chants of the birds will forevermore resound deeper than our structured songs. The aim of the artist is to surpass what yet exists but what if everything already existed and you could only sing it your own way?Ē
And decided to write about my experience. After all it was a very intense experience, although the dose wasnít that high. I attribute it to that 30 minutes meditation, which for me was like some days. It also happened to me meditating on acid to drive the trip in these spiritual ways but then it felt more artificial, more man made. Here it was a lot more fusing myself with the message I received than picking up hardly my own message as it is on acid.
Last thing. I usually wouldnít do any psychedelics if I donít have weed or hash because it calms me when smoked in the proper way and if I smoke a lot it puts me in a sort of breakthrough. I usually think psychedelics without weed are not psychedelics. But forreal, maybe psychedelics with weed are not psychedelics: less entheogen, more bizarre and incomprehensible. It hasnít to be for anyone, but for me I learnt that weed is about hedonism, it rarely gave me great insights and if it did, I was anyway demotivated to put them into practice. Sorry for the never ending thing and the pindaric flights...
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